.

Olofofos can relax now

2010-04-25T16:05:00.000+01:00

Queen of Snark, Stella Dimoko-Korkus went to go and piss off enough people and got her blog deleted. But she's back already, and running her mouth abi na fingertips faster than ever before. Hopefully she doesn't run her mouth into another deleted blog.

Stella's Blog

Stella I beg you, don't abuse me o.

Meanwhile, I've been craving pinkberry (the best stuff on earth, after ube, oka and aku oyibo) with toasted almonds and gummi bears.

How do you get over a broken heart?

2010-03-30T19:08:00.001+01:00

Best answer I've heard in my life.

Wait for it...

A brick through his window.

*This is illegal and has not been proven to heal broken hearts*

He Knows Your Name.

2010-03-14T22:51:00.004Z

From one of my overplayed CDs, Israel and New Breed, Alive in South Africa.

Whatever it is that you're going through or not, God has never and will never forget you, even if it seems like you've reached the end of your rope.

Lagos Lies

2010-02-26T14:15:00.000Z

FYI:

To all the single and searching (fasting, praying, self-searching, envious, dieting, exercising, compromising, revising, wishing, hoping), whatever you classify yourself as... know this as you wait for/find your life partner: most people lie about the true state of their marriage.

Don't for one second look at the wedding pictures on BellaNaija or read the happy interviews in City People/Genevieve or Linda Ikeji's blog and feel any sort of way; sometimes what you're seeing is FILM TRICK and what you're reading is WISHFUL THINKING.

Few people will tell you that their union was forced by one party or outside parties. A smaller number will tell you that every new shiny gift is an apology, an even smaller number will admit that their partner hasn't had sex with them in years or prefers a different gender all together. Let's not even talk about the league of governor's daughters who are married to men who used them for what their fathers brought to the table or the numbers of men whose wives happily live elsewhere and are happy he has a girlfriend because they can't stand the man they got legally bound to.

Those facebook photo albums and status updates that make you feel that pang of "why can't my own be like that" are shams. Those twitter updates about love in tokyo moments are figments of very vivid imaginations. Marriage is not a bed of roses, even it it were, thorns are a part of the deal. So when you see that perfect picture, know that photoshop can be involved, when you hear that perfect story, it might be the remixed version.

That is all really.

*Not all marriages are shitty*

*This is not about me -we're perfect! LAWL*

Vitamin G (G fot gist)*

2010-02-03T01:17:00.003Z

*If I wanted to post real names, I would have but that kinda defeats the purpose of semi-anonymous blogging n'est-ce pas? Also, if you have beef with some other blogger, take that over there. Let peace and civility reign bikonu. M wero efe ndi nsobu kita, a di'm very busy, e nu go? kpa cha kwa anya gi! *

There's this favorite Bible verse that I have, everyone says I have a mean streak to have picked this as my favorite Bible verse, but I not only love it, I absolutely believe it.

Galatians Chapter 6. Verse 7
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

Is this not the biblical version of what we new age influenced people like to call karma? (Yes even you too Alicia Keys, home wrecking hoe, I digress) Is this not a principle of the world? What you do to others will be done to you, in some way shape or form? You cannot plant an orange tree and get udala, impossicant! It will never happen. Whatever you sow, your must to reap by fire, by force, so jiri kwa nwanyo!

So Chidi, the man who impregnated one but married another and kept lying to both women, he definitely got his sha, my God does not disappoint. Not that I was praying for his downfall, I wasn't, he's not that important. So Chidi is a true coward. This penis having human, did not have the decency to tell his baby mama about his marital situation and waited instead for her to find out on her own. As much as I wish it were me who spilled the beans, it wasn't. She has her own network of friends who, through the powers of BBM, facebook and the other tools that were created for these purposes, found out and informed her with proof of his marriage.

So she confronted him and do you know what this animal did? He accused her of lying about the paternity of the child she was carrying. Yes the classic "deflect and accuse" mode we humans use when we know we're dead ass wrong. Never mind that he had previously accepted paternity. So the woman had a stressful 3rd trimester, now knowing that there was no future with the guy, her child would share DNA with him and she was truly on her own. Well when the baby was born a few weeks later, Chidi refused to acknowledge paternity at the hospital... and she ended up having to sue him to acknowledge paternity. He bought gifts for the child and gave her some chicken change for her, but refused to sign the birth certificate I'll get back to this is a moment.

So a few months later, Chidi's real wife arrives to the US and is caught up in the storm Chidi brewed for himself. So apparently, he did not have the decency or cajones to tell his wife that he had a beautiful newborn daughter, she too had to find out on her own. See Chidi in the week leading to wifey's arrival, decided to change his telephone numbers, I guess to avoid baby mama drama, but it didn't work. Baby Mama spent a few weeks trying to track him down and when she finally got the number and called, his wife picked up the phone. I can't imagine that it was a pleasant conversation.

I did not socialize much last summer, so I never got to witness the few embarrassing moments Chidi had to endure due to his wife's unbecoming behavior, but I sure did hear the gist. See, the formerly caring and attentive girl Chidi left behind some 12 odd years ago in Nigeria, had turned into an angry, short tempered woman, probably embittered by the humiliation that Chidi was putting her through. I can't say I blame her or would have acted differently if I were in her shoes. But they had more than one shouting match in public and several times she was openly rude to him in front of any and everybody. Initially people thought she was just ill-mannered, but when the gist was expantiated, few felt sorry for him.

If it sounds like I'm talking about his marriage in the past tense, that's because I am. Chidi and his wife are no longer together and NOT because of baby mama drama. If Chidi had done the right thing and claimed paternity from the get go, perhaps he would have still been married and he and his wife would have worked things out eventually, but he didn't. He waited for baby mama to go to court to sue him. She had to take him to court to get a DNA test; you would think if you were denying you were the father that you would be first in line to complete the DNA testing. He had to comply eventually and they went to court for a few hearings. It was after one of these hearing he got arrested.

Yeah, so apparently a while ago in our state, he got caught up in some felony case and posted bond. Then he decided to relocate to the neighboring state and never got his matter settled. There was a bench warrant issued for his failure to appear and since he was back in the proper jurisdiction, the law caught up with him and he was taken into custody until his case is over. So as you can see, it's not today that Chidi's irresponsibility started causing him wahala. Shortly after, his wife decided that she had bitten off more than she was willing to chew and left him. I believe she's back in Naija, not sure. His baby mama is raising her daughter by herself and Chidi sits in custody; all because he couldn't keep it in the pants or do the right thing at any point afterwards.

*title courtesy of @miss_jayla update on twitter today.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-08T17:54:00.002Z

Ok, so I'm a few days late, my bad. Life has been busy, so my commitment to blog more last year, fell by the wayside. It's not that I didn't have tea to spill, trust me there's tea, people still have messy lives (sometimes me included) so there's gist. I just didn't make time to come here & ~~ko asili~~, share or seek advice.

I have a very interesting update on some people I blogged about last year... I imagine enough time has passed that it's now stale gist to those who know. but if you don't know, it will be new to you. Anyways people, please live your lives to the best of your ability and above all thing be happy with yourself; don't let the aturus of the world drive you crazy.

It's a new year, make this year count.

Happy September... random comments

2009-09-07T05:48:00.001+01:00

Gosh I miss the 90's.

Random comments.

- I am a good cook in the middle of the night & I'm not talking indomie & egg levels.

- I don't think that I'm bitter just because I don't talk to any of my exes willingly.

- Seriously why do people take their husband first and last name? Imagine Kpankpando Obiora-Okeke. Some even have the nerve to hyphenate with their father's first and last name too. I'll be damned if I'm walking around with Kpakpando Edward-Okonkwo-Obiora-Okeke. Who is supposed to write all that out?

- Super Eagles no dey try at all, it's like they don't really want to go to SA next summer, I should make all of them do frog jump, but I bet they're all partying their asses off at Toucano or somewhere.

- Happiness is a choice that more people should make.

...

2009-08-05T16:20:00.001+01:00

For You - Kenny Lattimore

Men are FECKTARDS!

2009-07-31T22:25:00.002+01:00

Clearly not all of them, so all the men can simmer down for now. But when this comment from my post, How NOT to date a married man, popped into my inbox, it was the first thought that came to mind and i'm feeling spontaneous today so I decided to with it.

The comment:

Anonymous said... July 31, 2009 5:00:00 PM EDT

Hey,
I'm a married man from Md.I am this jerk you guys are talking about...and I am feeling really bad reading all this stuff that you ladies have been writing.I have a wife taht I have known for abt. 15 years and married 3months(lives overseas thogh pending visa),but I recently met this amazing woman taht I love spending time with.She is so bright and refreshing.I know I will never leave my wife for her,but I enjoy seeing her and the sex is amazing.We have only been dating a couple of months,but recently she asked me if I was married and was able to skirt around the situation and ask her if we could please discuuss it at a different time.To which she agreed.I am not sure if I will lose her now,but if this happens it will definately be my loss.My philosophy "Life is short, live it to the fullest.What we do here on Earth is not practice for the other life.I watch many people that die wishing they could have done this or that and die not realizing any of those dreams.When I say this I don't mean be a total ho,but sometimes you meet people that may stimulate you on levels that you may not be expecting.Anyway good luck to all of you young ladies out there that have gone thru this or going thru it now...I wish you peace.

Now I bet this fecktard expects someone to feel his pain and see what a tight spot he's in. After all his wife i far away and body no be firewood. MCCCCCCCCHIIIIIIIIEW! Devil sex you there, anuofia.

You my dear idiot are a selfish FECKTARD! Why make a vow to one woman if you clearly have no intention of keeping them and why deceive another woman who's probably thinking she's dealing with a decent human being in the first place? They're many whores like you, who would happily date you knowing your marital status why bamboozle someone who's not willing.In any case, I hope that last comment was someone's very active imagination at work and not a real man coming here to post as an anonymous coward... but just in case its real, a quick prayer for you.

Father Lord, you have created this man in your image, yet he chooses to dishonor not only his body but his marital vows, please convict this man and give him no rest until he does right by all the women in his life. If, dear Lord, he refuses to change his ways, may his dick shrivel up and fall off. In Jesus name, we pray.

Now say AMEN!

Random thought

2009-07-13T13:25:00.002+01:00

Never date a man you are not attracted to for fear of being perceived as shallow. Chances are things won't work out anyways and you will just be mad at your self for going out with a fugly dude in the first place. I think shallowness is allowed.

How NOT to date a married man

2009-07-10T17:07:00.002+01:00

In light of the recent Steve McNair, murder-suicide drama, I figured it's about time to finally post this up. Now while it seems that Sahel Khazemi, his mistress and eventual murderer, was well aware that she was entering an affair with a married man, this post is not for people like her, there's a special place in hell for low self esteem winches like that. There are those who didn't know he was married, and when we find out he is married, we "love him too much to let him go" or "have a hard time resolving the emotions," so we keep on. This post is not for you either, stay there lying to yourselves, there's a pot of hot grits waiting for your stupid asses somewhere. This post is for those of us, who have been "tricked" or been misled and ended up going out with a married man and have the decency and wisdom to immediately cut things off with the philandering goat as soon as we found out his true marital status.

A long time ago, in the year 2000, for about 6 weeks, I fell into the final category, and looking back to my 19 yr old self, I realize that I was so silly to not know that this guy was married! Granted he wasn't wearing a wedding ring, and he took me out to private spots all around Lagos, and he was available to talk to me all day long, so how was I supposed to know? I was such a dumb ass. There were so many signs, but I couldn't read them because I lacked experience. Of course he took me out to quiet places, not because he wanted to get to know me better, but because he didn't want to run the risk of running into people he knew. Nobody really goes to bed at 10pm anymore, but he did because he couldn't very well talk to me while lying next to his wife or watching the evening news with her at home. Anyways, you live, you learn and thank God for City People and their sometimes correct captioning.

Through the years, I've heard stories from misled women, detailing how they too were misled into dinners and dates with these predators, and at the end of most conversations, we'd all admit that we should have known better. Now, I wish I could tell you that all women that I know who were tricked into dating married men, stopped seeing him immediately, but that's not the case. In fact, someone I thought was smarter than this foolishness is currently letting her desperation cloud her otherwise sound judgment, but that's a different kettle of fish. Back to should have known better, I've heard a repetition of the same missed "signs" that would have easily indicated a man with less than honorable intentions, and I have compiled the ones I remember. Please feel free to add your own.

1. Ask questions
You will never know everything intuitively, so if you really want to know, you've got to ask questions. Ask them as directly as "Bia, nwokem, are you married," or ask them slyly, but ask questions. Granted a married man who has chosen to deceive you from the get go isn't likely to come out and tell you the truth, but something in his answers will betray him. Confirm does answers independently if you can but don't bother asking those around him questions, chances are that he's only brought you around those who are complicit in his deception and they'll feed you the same lies. If you are not 100% satisfied with the answers given, ask the questions in a different way, until you are satisfied.
2. Shine your eyes
Sharpen your investigative skills abeg. Nobody is saying become a stalker and follow him around, but in this day and age, there are easier ways to find out if someone is married. If you all live in the US, google him! See what comes up on the net. If you do a directory search for someone's address on whitepages.com, it usually lists the other people in the household. Do a search of local court records (actually someone was saved from a man who was thrice married and brought up on domestic abuse charges for each marriage this way), marriage records, whatever. Check wedding websites too, you'd be surprised how many people get caught by their gift registries.

3. Break routine
If the dude has a habit of taking you to his "favorite spots" and they always happen to be out of the way quiet places, this should ring an alarm. First of all there's no pasta in the world that is that good that you are forced to eat it on every dinner date. If the dude can't seem to break his schedule or be spontaneous even after you suggest it, there's something or someone he's rushing to go see or there's something he's trying to avoid.

4. Fasting & Praying
There's something to be said about taking things to God and letting him resolve it for you. There's one chick who swears by a little prayer she says everytime she's excited about a guy. It's simple " God, please if this man is not the one for me, remove him from my life so that I will have no choice but to know this is from you." She says that God usually answers that prayers within 24 hours and she immediately knows it's God answering her prayer. Now you may not feel you're that dialed into God's Blackberry, but I believe he answers earnest prayers and can protect you from wolves.

5. Don't shut your inner voice up
My inner Kpakpando has never once misled me, if only I listened to her more I could have avoided some bad decisions, bad friends and bad situations. If your inner voice is telling you that he's too secretive about his phone calls, listen. If you are tempted to believe that the reason he has not invited you to his home is because he has a wife and children at home, let that thought linger. Don't make excuses for him, he doesn't care if he embarrasses you, so don't say if he was playing he wouldn't bother knowing your friends/family; don't say that maybe he does like going on long drives and that's why you end up having your dates far from where either of you reside; don't say he's just a private person and that's why he doesn't introduce you to anyone or talk about his life. If your instinct is telling you something, you owe it to yourself to find out.

Some other tips
- Separated and going through a divorce, almost always mean married
- Strange behavior, unexplained disappearances for weekends and holidays are a big old red flag
- Inability to communicate with them in the evenings or at night, RED Flag
- Does he have a job that requires no travel, but all of a sudden he's on business trips?
- His cell phone is surprisingly very faulty, his network is so shitty etc, yet you're on the same network?
- Someone says he might be married!!!! Ding ding ding, there's no smoke without fire
- FACEBOOK! unless his marital status says single he's not off the hook

Warnings to those women who find out they are the side piece but decide to forge on with this doomed relationship:

1. You are not that special
Your vagina isn't lined in gold, diamonds or platinum. If it were he couldn't be screwing you, his dick would be damaged. Ok, so he's telling you he's not happy at home, his wife is such a shrew blah blah blah or he's going to leave her and that you are his "soulmate," you understand him or you complete him. Don't fall for the okey doke. One thing you know for a fact about this type of man is that he's a liar! He lies to his wife, so don't think for one second he's not telling you bigger lies. At the end of the day, when you think of an ideal man, is liar really something you want from your partner? If he wanted to leave his wife, he doesn't need time to do it, he would just pack up his shit and leave, it's kinda that simple. Don't let him get you thinking that his wife is your enemy, and if you would just hold on you will defeat her. You won't. She's beat you a million times over, because at the end of the day, she's the one who has legal rights to him.

2. You reap what you sow
If you're lucky this relationship will fizzle out and you will one day get a husband of your own... but since you spent so much time trying to destroy someone's home, what makes you think your own home will be immune? If you are unlucky enough to have this man actually leave his wife for you, walahi you don enter trouble be dat. Haven't you heard the saying, how you get your man is how you lose him? Same way you were a husband snatcher, someone will relieve you of his love and attention sooner or later, after all you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and just like you can't turn a ho into a housewife, you can't turn a ho into a husband. Abeg in the Bible it tells you you reap what you sow, I don't know what it says in the Quran, but I imagine something similar and there is that thing called karma that basically says the same thing.

3. You deserve whatever you get
If you continue dating a married man, realize that nothing is hidden under the sun, eventually somebody is going to find out. So if you earn the reputation of a woman of easy virtue or as a married woman I know so eloquently put it, a "loose pussy ho," that's your own fault. If someone decides to brush you because you were dealing with her husband, nto gi. If the man makes you promises and breaks your heart, welp what did you think was going to happen? If his wife comes and pours acid on you, I kinda feel she's justified. If you didn't know and now you know but still choose to go down this God forsaken path, don't expect good things to come out of it, they rarely do.

As for those women who knowingly target married men, I have no words, it's only Baba God that can help you.

Not done yet

2009-05-17T12:03:00.007+01:00

Some things have been on my fairly average-sized chest lately:

- Do all these lying ass married men preying on single womem know that being a mistress is so 80's!
- Why are people taking panadol for a headache I don't even have? If I wanted to be married, I would be.
- What's up with all these independent women anthems I keep hearing? I call BS! Don't fall for it ladies.

Watch this space.

Grateful

2009-03-17T20:46:00.002Z

Sometimes I let myself get stuck in the negative space looking at everything I don't have and I forget that I have too much to be grateful for and I need to get over myself. I love this song, which is unusual because I tend to prefer soft-rock Christian music to baptist church inspired gospel songs that Hezekiah Walker is more known for. The song really ministers to me, especially on days like this when I get frustrated with trivial things.

WWYD?

2009-03-10T22:37:00.001Z

I was visiting Bella's fabulous blog this morning, and I saw the recent comments (albeit attacks) on Ini Edo's wedding post. Someone/some people have made it their personal mission to air the girl's (not so) alleged dirty laundry and past misdeeds. I feel bad for Ini, because truth is most people have done things before that they're not necessarily proud of and most of us learn from our mistake and move on or keep making the same ones. Either way because most of us are private citizens we're allowed to live our lives without people reminding us of the colorful details of our pasts/presents.

So most of the comments allude to Ini's past as a slut, prostitute ( I don't call it runs, it is what it is) and husband snatcher, and just like others before her, she has been able to move on to a long-term relationship, regardless of her past and I'm sure at some point she's had a conversation with her now husband about the rumors surrounding her. Only they know what they disclosed to each other sha.

What I wonder ( and I've asked this before) is what would you do? Would you share everything with your romantic partner or bits and pieces. Granted, not everyone has a past as a nymphomaniac who is into group sex, but I believe most people have something that they're not necessarily forthcoming about. So given the choices below, what would you do?

Online Surveys & Market Research

Stuff Naija girls like.

2009-02-26T19:41:00.001Z

Initially when I started writing this update it was a anger filled rant that started with I hate Nigerians (especially girls)... but I'm trying to live a more peaceful and positive life and frankly be more like Jesus. I figure ranting about non-entities wouldn't exactly fall under WWJD, but I figure since a blog like this hilarious one and this and this exists, that maybe JW make a list like this.

1. Naija girls like giving backhanded compliments.
Honestly, it's no wonder most Nigerian people I know have thick skins. The naija girl has mastered the art of building you up a little and tearing you apart in 15 words or less.
Let's say you bring absolutely delicous cupcakes to a birthday gathering out of the abundance of your heart, this naija girl will come and pick up a cupcake and take a bite, and say, "ah Kpakpando, this cupcake is sooo tasty, but why are you trying to make me fat, you know not everyone can look good with big cheeks like you." The insult doesn't end there o, she will eat the rest of the cupcake in front of you, probably smiling inside as you now analyze if your cheeks are indeed that big or worse, which cheeks she was referring to.

2. Naija girls like reminding people about their age.
Especially in front of men! All of a sudden they start calling you Senior Kpakpando in front of random people you didn't even go to school with and she never had to call you Senior anything in school in the first place; or start calling you Aunty Kpakpando when you're of no blood relation to them. The funny thing is that the ones that do these ype of things are usually less than a year younger than you; as if reminding you that you're slightly older makes them younger.

3. Naija girls like attending showers and eating jollof/fried rice
It doesn't matter the occasion o, they love SHOWERS. It's not limited t0 celebrating a new baby or upcoming nuptials, every other milestone is celebrated with a "shower-like" gathering. The thing about these showers is that they're not even the fun ones with games, all they basically do is sit around and eat tons of rice and exchange recipes. Chei, I never see!!!!

4. Naija girls like malicious gossip
Umu nwanyi na ko ASILI!!!!!! Tufiakwa. It's like malicious gossip is a sport, and they're making sure they make it to the pros. It's like the more hurtful, humiliating and painful the gossip is, the more points they earn. Sometimes they take one iota of truth and add plenty of salt and pepper to it, and run.
*Plenty of this gossip is spread at the aforementioned "showers"

5. Naija girls like to get dressed to the nines, go to parties/club and stand around in circles.
This is one of the few times I feel sorry for men. I mean if someone comes to a party or a club, it's expected that they will shake what their mama gave them at some point in time. So I feel bad when I see a dude finally decide to take the bull by the horns and go up to a nice looking girl and ask her to dance, only for the mgbeke to look him up and down as if he has shit smeared all over his body and rudely turn away, and if she's especially a goat, she will say something to the effect of "levels dey" to her friends, who will titter, all within earshot of the poor guy.

6. Naija girls wear rudeness and impoliteness as a badge of honor.
Maybe that's their definition of being a senior chic, but naija girls love to act snobbish and be curt. Too bad their definition reeks of insecurity and being classless, the very opposite of what a senior chic should be.

7. Naija girl like to use their religion to oppress.
Madam holy holy, always quoting the Bible and quick to point of the faults in others; always commenting that the person needs prayers, but rarely offering to pray for them. They same one rushing to choir practice or bible study, and make sure they're rude and condescending to those who are not going to enter the kingdom... mmkay.

8. Naija girls like to lie...
ESPECIALLY TO THEMSELVES. No need to go further.

9. Naija girls are obsessed with marriage.
Rather their own ideas of marriage, which is beautiful wedding, colorful aso-ebi, gorgeous dress and pictures, get pregnant, have kids and a second income (or maybe just his). They'll do whatever it takes to get to the Cannan Land of marriage; lemonade diets, sleep with their friend's man, cook fantabulous delicacies on a second date, become Arsenal fans overnight, 7 days dry fasting and praying, whatever it takes to get out of singlehood, even if it means entering a disaster. *shrugs*

10. Naija girls ~~like~~, make that LOVE weave.

Of course this only refers to some naija girls (except #10), but I've it up to here with these winchy bishes. Jesus take the wheel

As I was saying

2009-02-05T06:19:00.001Z

I luurv my new place!!!! But I am semi-sleepless since it's yet another change to my sleep routine. I kinda miss him breathing next to me everyday, and by kinda I mean I really really do. Ah well

So this friend, Chidi *, is an absolute corny ass igbotic slime ball that I have never warmed up to. He's the one that stares a bit too long, past appreciative glance and firmly into mental undressing and did I mention this dude is corny as all getout? He's an engineer who lives the next state over, and makes the two hour drive into the city to make an attempt to practice his non-existent social skills every few weeks or so. For the year or so that I lived here and dated the dude, Chidi has begged me to hook him up with someone, maka o cho e nu nwanyi. A nice igbo girl. I didn't know anyone (I hated enough) to hook him up with, since I was fairly new to the area, and besides I don't do hookups. Chidi and the dude are friends from elementary school in Aba.** They've maintained a friendship for almost 30 years, waxing and waning in closeness.

Anyways, me and the dude got into a bit of a spat over Chidi. Apparently some chick ( a nice Igbo girl) who lives here in the city, that he has been chasing for a while, (at least over a year) finally 'greed for him and they've been sorta kicking it for a few months. Now she's pregnant. 4months, maybe 5months by now. Chidi just did his igba nkwu nwanyi, a few weeks ago in a sleepy town in Anambra state and we we had already left the East otherwise we'd have attended the church wedding in Aba.** Chidi (as I'm told) was informed of the baby before he went home to marry his wife. He did not tell his wife of his baby on the way, nor has he told the baby mama to be about the wife on the way. Chidi told a few of his friends the situation seeking their advise, or sharing his burden or whatever, and so far these idiots have all colluded to keep the situation under wraps until a resolution can be reached.

Arooo? Ha si gini? What bloody resolution bikonu? I can't believe these grown ass men can function in society coming up with these sort of dumb ass solutions. And to think more than one of them is a consultant! Tchiiiiiiiiew.

So the beef arose when the dude was updating me on this situation and I told him that he needs to tell his friend to come clean and say something, or say something himself. Babim says it's not his business to tell, then he even said the baby mama should never have 'greed for the friend in the first place. As if she's the cause of this wahala!!! I have witnessed Chidi's relentless pursuing of the girl, as in his title could be Stalker 1 of baby mama to be. In social settings the guy comandeers a 15ft perimeter around the girl and blocks any other advance from any other man. She has cussed him out, laughed at him, ignored him, shakara'd him and all of the above, and the man still chased her; never once did I see he go after him and not once did I witness her encouraging him out in the open. I can't speak on what happened that made the girl gree for him sha. I don't know that one, but from what I know of baby mama to be , I know he couldn't have mentioned that he was engaged to a chick back home because she would have chucked him a deuce.

Heck, I didn't even know he was getting married until we were packing for our Naija trip! Apparently it's his long term girlfriend from Uni who never left naija and they've been doing long distance for years now and finally over 10 years later, he decides she's the one he wants to marry.

I think the right thing to do is to tell everyone.
1. Baby mama to be, so she knows that basically she's in this parenting thing alone, and plan accordingly since she got sperminated by a selfish prick.
2. Wife, so she can decide to get the marriage annuled or get ready for step parenthood
3. Parental units, so they can fine many tubers of yam, slap him or advise him properly.

The dude has said that he's told his friend to tell, but he can't force him and it's not his place to tell one or both of the women the real deal. After seeing that there was no reasoning with this code of silence thing with these men, I gave up. I said that woe betide Chidi if I run into his baby mama to be, because I will sing like a canary; and he better make sure that the situation has been resolved before his wife's paperwork get's processed and she joins him stateside, because I'll be singing the same amebo song to her too.

The dude is now vexed, because he knows me well enough, to know that i'm serious about telling. I can appreciate where he's coming from, truly I do, but I can't believe they want to be party to this and be okay with the deception of it all. I had to wonder out loud if my dude was capable of hiding something like that from me.

*insert sigh*

kachifo unu

*may or may not be real name, or a short form of his real name. He's not an innocent, there's no need to protect his privacy.
** not in Aba, but sha in Ala Igbo somewhere

To be continued

2009-01-29T01:57:00.000Z

It's been forever and 10 days since I've posted properly, I think I'll get back to regular posting soon enough. Only something "major" could get me to take a break from my regular schedule and come here to VENT!

This weekend, I move out. Yay me! In my own space, coming home to silence or knowing my silence will be uninterrupted if I so choose, freedom to leave dishes in the sink or walk around buck naked... ok so I can do that here too, but it's not the same. I look forward to living on my own again, who knew adjusting to someone else's presence would be so hard, after 10 years of living solo. (10 years! Fock I'm getting old, my eggs are about to expire, I should be looking to fertilize them soon, but then again I finally have a 26 inch waist... yeah.) My move couldn't have come at a better time too, because we're currently not on speaking terms and i'll be happy to not have to look at his face every damn day and maintain my silence.

What is causing this war of silence you ask? His dumb ass friends! I know, me too I'm wondering how a third party can be the cause. So babim (hehehe) has 2.5 friends that I absolutely cannot stand, these friends make me wonder if he can be just as callous and unscrupulous as they are, but the quality of the rest of his friends let me know that these assholes are simply anomalies in the friend pool. So we were in naija this holiday season and as expected we had more than a few igba nkwu's to attend, it was seriously fun times. The cause of this problem sef also did his own traditional marriage, we were there, the colorful pictures surfaced on facebook a few days later, what a farce!

Happy Holidays

2008-12-29T20:32:00.001Z

Merry Christmas (Belated, a ma'm)
Happy New Year, at least this one is on time.

What an absolutely fantabulously wonderific year... it had it's downs, but the ups more than made up for it.

Quick question, is there anything wrong with me not necessarily jumping to get legalized, just because I know I'm with "the one"?

My mom is too ashamed to enlist the help of her committee of friends to pressurize me into this step, because for the past few weeks I've been shacking up, and her agenda has had to shift to me doing the proper thing. Little does she know that our arrangement, is not permanent, I am moving out in Feb. The only person she has on her team right now is his mom, but even she's not fully dedicated to the same cause as my momsie, her agenda is just for me to get preggers ASAP, even though its against the rules that his parents laid down when I first met them in the spring. They'll get it together, one day. Maybe.

Meanwhile, I'm just enjoying my last bits of sunshine before I have to head back to the fcukery next year. Aero you're on my motherfather LIST!

I got an awesome present that has something to do with this, since I can't share that, I'll share the song.

K'omesia

Anuli. Ayo. Heureux, Feliz, in short Happy.

2008-10-25T08:43:00.005+01:00

My affirmations.

I am patient, loving, caring and understanding. I am surrounded by patient, loving, caring and understanding individuals. In all situations, I remain balanced. I am balanced and as a result, my relationships are balanced.

I love and accept myself as I am, knowing that by doing this I can love others more fully and they can love me.

All my relationships are now loving and harmonious .

I deserve love and happiness.

I attract only loving and uplifting people into my life.

My friends are mutually loving and supportive.

The past has no power over me. I forgive all those that need my forgiveness and I forgive myself.

I love and accept myself the way I am and I love and accept others the same way.

Everyone I come into contact with appreciates me for the wonderful person that I am.

___________________________________________________________________________

I am work in progress, but I've come a long way. There was a time that I said these words and thought to myself "who the hell are you kidding with this shit?" Now... I truly live by this and life is just a lighter load more manageable load. I've had some heartbreaking, mind boggling conversations with people lately, and all of them prompted me to share this.

Every body deserves love and happiness and if whatever situation you're in now is NOT providing that to you, be it romantic relationship, job, friendships or family relations, you owe it to yourself to get out of that poisonous space and get happy. No matter what you have done (or not done), you deserve the very best that life has to offer; be ready to recognize, receive and accept it when it comes your way.

I know I am in the right space in life now, it took a final conversation with Nonso for me to realize it truly, but that is really a whole other post.

Random and disjointed post. Forgive me.

Venting

2008-10-17T06:08:00.000+01:00

I have tried to like this guy, really really tried; but its not working. He's just a jackass. I mean its freaking 1 am and he's still downstairs, what kind if inconsiderate shit is this? I honestly feel like going downstairs and saying "go home motherfecker, nobody wants you here!" I can't, since its not completely true, as the dude considers him a childhood friend and this isn't my house.

Every time I see his greasy face, I just want to slap the shit out of him, he irritates me that much. Maybe its the nasal tone of his voice or the way he speaks to everyone so condescendingly as if he were the king of Zumunda or something. Maybe it's because he has shifty eyes, and simply can't be trusted for shit, and I can't wait until my guy lets go of that whole " i knew him since before, before" friendship (that seems one sided to me) and frees me from further social interaction with this fucker.

The first time I bumped heads with this fecktard, was when he had the nerve to bring some random chick out with him, only a few days after proposing to his long suffering girlfriend, as if that was supposed to sit well with me. When I said to my guy that I couldn't stay there and support this shit, and we made to leave, this monkey actually suggested that my own boyfriend put me in a cab and stay there to hang out with them! Is he mad abi na wetin? To even think that thought and then have the cajones to repeat it out loud in front of me, told me a few things:
1. He didn't respect me
2. He doesn't respect his friend
3. He doesn't respect our relationship ergo would not be supporting it actually more likely enrourage behavior that is detrimental to our relationship
4. He's a sad sack of shit
5. I don't like his ass

But fecktard forgot the type of guy I have, he isn't crazy enough to leave me anywhere, because he knows I have the potential to go left eye on his ass. Anyways after that day, the battle lines were drawn. He stopped calling me by my first name and calls me madam instead; I think its supposed to irritate me, but I'm glad he got that ish straight. I told my guy that I don't care much for his friend and he doesn't understand why, but its 1am in the morning and I'm in bed, while the dude is downstairs with fecktard, I have that aturu's medicine, o kwa o mu na ya? No shaking.

If wishes were horses

2008-10-05T14:08:00.004+01:00

Another meme.

You find a fairy. With a wave of their wand they can change anything for you.

What is the one thing you would change about your body?
Not sure, maybe that I wouldn't need to work with a trainer to look like this but I think I've come to terms with having to work out. So maybe a permanent toasted color, because I fade too much in the winter.

What is the one personality trait you would change?
I need to be a bigger bitch, this whole being sweet/nice thing is completely overrated, and these assholes think they can take advantage of you because of it; so I need my inner asshole to come to the surface.

What is the one thing about your job you would change?
The travel schedule, because I doubt a fairy can change the clearly sexist attitudes of my field.

What is the one thing about your home you would change?
I want more color, I even found the perfect shade for at least one wall, cerise! But I'm renting so it's vanilla existence for me.

What is the one thing about your Significant Other you would change?
He handles all of my assorted fcukery happily, what more could I ask for? Except I wish for more of those "just because" moments, that happened more frequently in the beginning.

Who is the one person you would poof out of your life and why?
I think I've poofed out just about every person that needed to be poofed; but if someone else makes it to the poofable list, they will be poofed.

Who is the one person you would poof back in and why?
My friend. I felt that I had to cut him out to concentrate on my life, and I now miss him. Terribly.

Did anyone catch this? I swear SNL is only good during election season.

Get your urban news at DimeWars.Com

So much to get off my chest!

2008-09-19T04:46:00.004+01:00

I'm sitting here, flipping between fraiser and malcolm in the middle, and I just have so much to blog about. There's the recent conversation I had about pre-nups (guess where I stand on the issue?); then there's my ex, the one whose shenanigans prompted me to blog in the first place, calling me to tell me he's getting married; there's the gossip mongers and their friends, to them I say... "jealousy is a disease, get well soon bishes!"

Question: When do you disclose all the skeletons in your closet to the significant other? Do you disclose? Are you supposed to tell the nitty gritty or a glossed over version of the truth? Or do just tell the stuff they're likely to find out?

In short, watch this space and tell your friends to vote in 47 days.

Imagine the fcukery we're being fed here, giving us pee and calling it lemonade. The worst part is that some of us are drinking it like it's refreshing! Alu emeeeee!

One more thing. I was reading the stats on here, and I noticed an unusually high number of searches for the same string, and though the name is slightly misspelled, I know exactly who is being "googled." Let's call him New Mexico. A bulletin, he's moved within the same state, got married and now has a son. Hopefully the person (or persons) will see this, because he's a tough person to find.

Nnanna mba

PSA

2008-09-08T12:07:00.003+01:00

If you are eligible to vote in the United States... Please DO.

Click here to register

I can't believe these people are eating up this fcukery that is Sarah Palin. I'm not a staunch Obama supporter, in fact I don't care for any of the past candidates, but I recognize he would be the better candidate to serve the people.

Thanks

What fcukery is this?

2008-07-24T22:14:00.003+01:00

I listen to the Steve Harvey morning show (sometimes) and they have a daily advice segment and read the letter to the audience and have people nationwide call in. Today's letter really got to me. How can any one woman be this particularly dumb?

ate: 07/24/2008
Subject: Needing Advice

Hello Steve & Shirley, I have a serious issue that I need help with. I have been in a relationship with someone for 5 years. We are not married but we live together. I have contracted gonorrhea 3 times in the course of our relationship. I need to tell you that I have not had sex with ANYONE but him for 6 years so there is no doubt it came from him. Each time I confronted him about the issue he always says, "I messed up, I love you, don't leave me." And of course I have not left him yet. I was cured from the last infection about 1 month ago and I am at a point to where I do not believe I should continue in any type of relationship with this man. He is the bread winner in our relationship and has never had a problem with providing for me. I work also, but he foots the majority of our bills. I go to my friends about this and there answer is always, "Girl, at least you have a man." I do not see the logic in their answers if I am always in a constant state of emotional turmoil to his frequent infidelities. He tells me that if I was willing to do more experimental type sex, then he would not have any reason to "get it" from someone else. In response to that, I know I have to "satisfy" my man sexually as a part of our relationship but some things I just do not feel comfortable in doing with him because of the fear of contracting diseases vaginally as well as orally. I am at the point to where I do not know what to do but I know I do not want to continue to be unhappy.

Signed,
Needing Advice
http://www.steveharvey.com

I was driving to work and all I could ask myself was, WHAT FCUKERY IS THIS?

Ok, now I have some time, let me really get into this letter from this hopelessly silly woman.

"I have been in a relationship with someone for 5 years. We are not married but we live together."
This right here is where I had the first issue with this letter. Why are you playing house with someone, who clearly has no intention of marrying you? How do I know he has no intention of marrying the woman, it's been 5 damn years! I am of the school of belief that a man (not a teenager who thinks you're pretty) knows what he wants and it doesn't take him more than 3 years to get it.
I know marriage isn't for everyone, but something in the entire tone of this letter tells me the writer believes marriage is for her. I'm on the fence about pre-marital cohabitation, personally I don't think I would ever do it, but I can see how it works for certain situations. This ish isn't working for nobody but his trifling ass.

"I have contracted gonorrhea 3 times in the course of our relationship."
Excuse me? Gono gini? What a flucking fool. This guy doesn't give a damn about himself talk less of her! Who gets gonorrhea? Are you in high school? So not only is he screwing other chicks (could be dudes sef, you never know these days), but he's raw dogging it and coming to screw you with his infected dick? And you like an idiot, are there opening your legs welcoming the diseased dick into yourself. Clap for yourself, kpa, kpa, kpa-kpa-kpa, KPA! Olodo!

I thank God I've never had any STI/STD from anybody, God knows I've done stupid things and have put myself at an unnecessary higher risk, but there's no way on God's green earth that I would ever get reinfected by the same guy. Walahi, if someone ever gave me any nasty gift, that's the end o, o zu go! I'm out, no thank you. It's only gonorrhea now, what if he gave you the gift that keeps on giving (herpes) or that monster sized package (HIV) next time? Will you be sitting at home, writing stupid as letters like this one?

Not only is this dude slutting it up, he's clearly not choosy with where he's sticking it. So for all you know he's screwing $2 crack hoes who will do anything for their next fix. You're not serious!

"I need to tell you that I have not had sex with ANYONE but him for 6 years so there is no doubt it came from him"
So you kukuma know its him that gave it to you? Olodo to the nth power.

"Each time I confronted him about the issue he always says, "I messed up, I love you, don't leave me." And of course I have not left him yet."
What dirty confrontation? If you had to do the same thing more than once, clearly something needs to change. It's clearly not him, so it has to be you or your situation. It's not rocket science.

"I am at a point to where I do not believe I should continue in any type of relationship with this man."
You're just now getting to that point????!!!! JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

"He is the bread winner in our relationship and has never had a problem with providing for me. I work also, but he foots the majority of our bills"
So now we're getting closer to the truth... you're a lazy ass who would rather risk her health and happiness and stay in this abusive relationship than get a second job. There's a saying that goes, any woman who is in a relationship for the money, deserves every penny of what she gets. Ok so that's a bit harsh, but its true, so fecking what if he foots a majority of the bills? You have to stay because you're being taken care of financially?

"I go to my friends about this and there answer is always, "Girl, at least you have a man."
Desperation na bastard sha. You don't have a man o, you have a horny dog, and just a piece of him at that. What kind of stupid thing is that to say? Unless you don't tell your friends the full story, but even if you're censoring part of the story, what kind of answer is that to give a friend who is expressing unhappiness in their romantic relationship?
Bottom line, these chicks are not your friends. Drop him and then drop them.

"I do not see the logic in their answers if I am always in a constant state of emotional turmoil to his frequent infidelities."
There's nothing to see, their answer reek of desperation and a lack of care for you or your well being, drop these bishes I tell you. I won't be surprised if one or all of them haven't kpanshed your so called "man" already.

"He tells me that if I was willing to do more experimental type sex, then he would not have any reason to "get it" from someone else."
Don't you see where his experimental sex led him to? A burning dick? Experimental my ass. Any man who tells you some BS like that is manipulating you. Clearly he's okay screwing you because you have the gonorrhea to prove it. Don't fall for it! He's trying to shift the blame to you for his actions, when he made the decision to creep on his own, don't accept the blame.

"I know I have to "satisfy" my man sexually as a part of our relationship but some things I just do not feel comfortable in doing with him because of the fear of contracting diseases vaginally as well as orally."
Abeg this man isn't your husband, don't go bending over backwards for him. And what kind of delayed fear do you have? You've already contracted the same disease three times vaginally... so your fear has been realized already. This is not someone you can share your body with anymore, don't kill yourself (literally) trying to satisfy him.

"I am at the point to where I do not know what to do but I know I do not want to continue to be unhappy."
You know what to do, if you're not happy, leave. It's really that simple. Do it for your poor vagina.

Now I need at least 2 margaritas after going through this hot mess of a letter.

Object of my lust.

2008-07-16T18:32:00.000+01:00

Walahi if this man goes missing, na me kidnap am. I simply lust after this man.

And the bobo na for real correct guy too, a bit too americana for my taste, but you tend to not notice that while you watch his lips move when he's talking, because believe me your mind is in awful dirty places, imagining the things he could be doing with them. And woe betide you if you ever get the chance to see him walk, in fact the guy is too bunz. Chei, Nna anyi no n'enigwe biko y'em aka! This na temptation!

I heart you Ovie.

Waywardness

2008-06-12T22:44:00.001+01:00

Was chatting with a blogpal yesterday and unbeknownst (I sabi English o, u wan try me?) to him, he said something that has been a recurring theme in my conversations of late. See, I was explaining how I simply just don't update my blog as much because of several factors, most especially my job (we reached the conclusion that I've sold my soul and ovaries to it) and were sha just catching up. I was telling him how this summer would be a test for me, well my romantic relationship, and how I hoped I have outgrown my "wayward" stage because we've talked about moving forward blah blah blah.

Well since I don't have the transcript of our chat, I'll have to paraphrase my buddy. He told me to "mind myself" and get it out of my system because there's no place for waywardness in marriage. He went a step further and said, that even he would bounce his own wife, if he ever found out she was creeping, that lai lai he cannot forgive infidelity on his wife's part. Being the contrary human being I am, I then asked if he would expect her to to forgive him if the situation were reversed.

Then he gave me that cop out answer, " It would be her choice entirely."
So I asked again, "Well wouldn't you want her forgiveness?"
He finally admitted he would want it.

I personally believe he (like many other men, I've had this conversation with) would not only want her forgiveness, but he would expect her forgiveness, even though to him her infidelity would be unforgivable. Turns out what is good for the goose is not in fact good for the gander. As I have learned in the past few weeks, many people of both sexes subscribe to this school of thought, i.e. WHEN the man cheats, his wife should just forgive him (pray more, harass the sideline ho, cook/fuck/lick/support better) and keep her home together; however IF a wife cheats on her husband, she better not even bother coming back home for her things, because he'll have thrown her ish out and requested a refund of his bride price from her people already.

Actually if I'm honest with myself, I would admit that I don't think a woman should abandon her home because her husband can't keep his dick to himself; but I would like to think that the same way women are expected to swallow their ego and forgive, that men should also be a little more understanding. Of course, when I have voiced this opinion, I have been accused of being in yankee too long. Maybe I have. But its a shame that the same behavior from both men and women is deemed "natural" to one gender and "wayward" in the other. Me, I know I cannot fight this whole mentality abi na culture, so let me just cool my body down, before my oga sacks me.

N.B.
I am not cheating or thinking of cheating o, abeg before okwu nka bu te okwu ozo!

In Demand

2008-05-21T23:22:00.001+01:00

Why is it that the main time men start chasing you seriously is when you're settled down with someone else? I mean to me I look exactly the same, nothing in particular has changed; yet the level and quality of holleration has increased exponentially. I mean I'm single for how long and the most interesting proposition I got was dinner (at a chain restaurant no less) and a fugging movie; now when I'm "boo'd" up I get exciting invitations to islands (not just Puerto Rico and the Bahamas either) and whatnot. It's not just me either, several other women have echoed this same sentiment; when they're off the market is when they're the hottest commodity that everyone wants to get at! I chalk it up to the universe having a sick, twisted sense of humor.

For me, it seems that I get the most attention, when I'm pissed (either slightly or to the highest levels of pisstivity) with the dude. Usually when he says something to piss me off, there's yet another agbero who comes to say the exact opposite of what dude said to piss me off. He's so lucky that:

1. I don't feel like shopping around right now
2. Not easily moved by flattery (anymore)
3. I'm am skeptical by nature
4. I am in physical pain when he's not around
5. He has a committee of my people who are on "team him" and won't gree for me to bounce him anyhow

Because apparently I'm in high demand.

Reason to get married?

2008-05-09T20:16:00.001+01:00

Ok, so I have totally abandoned my blog for a long while because I went to get married... sike! I'm nowhere near it o, it's really just a joke. Yes, I've met his family and he's now met mine but we're just chilling and happily so. I'm not one of those fronting ass girls who'll say I'm focusing on my career so I'm in no rush to get married, meanwhile back at the ranch I'm jonesing and fasting and praying for a husband; if I were in that predicament, nobody reading this kukuma knows who I actually am, so I'd just say it.

Anyways on to gist... my ears are still ringing from the marathon session I had last night on the phone. You cannot tell me God is not a fair God sha. Anyways I'm pretty sure I have mentioned the Igbo girl mafia that lived in my old town... the ones you had to play nice with otherwise the way they will just carry your gist (real or imagined), and play football with your name anyhow. I mean all they know how to do is go to baby shower and massacre someone's character, or go to bridal shower and do the same thing, useless mgbekes! Who says what goes around doesn't come around? Now they're the ones who have gist and they don't want to say anything, stupid cows.

I'm talking to one of my personal person's yesterday and I ask to speak to his fiancee just to say hi and catch up, since I don't see them as much as I used to. So his wife, she's my kind of person sha, she doesn't say anything but the day you decide to show your ass, she will help you disgrace yourself. We're talking about their wedding planning and stuff, and she says hey do you remember that girl, Fidelia? She's getting married next month. I said for where? I thought she broke up with that her americana boyfriend... then she fills me in on the gist of mgbeke and co. So apparently Fidelia finally broke up with her American boyfriend after much pressure from her parents to settle down with an Igbo man, even though she admits he's the great love of her life. So she let her sister Perpetua, hook her up with an Igbo guy... who happens to be her husband's (ashawo eyes is what we call her husband btw) friend. They started talking/dating sometime between August 07 and October 07, nobody knows for sure. But the said Igbo guy who she was hooked up with was saying in August that, the girl is not fine but at least she's a professional (i.e. accountant/pharmacist/doctor/lawyer/engineer) so she'll make a good living and there's no liability etc.

So Fidelia is now talking to Boniface, and her mother is really encouraging the relationship along, because he comes from one of those families, known for their wealth, though their known family drama would beat any Spanish telenovela, so you can imagine the unknown drama. Her mom is encouraging her to the point of telling the girl to abandon her life in her city and relocate to his city to start over again, as if na beans. So anyways, a few weeks ago on Facebook (any worthwhile gbeborun's reference book) she puts up a cryptic message that can be easily deciphered, alluding to her recent engagement and her wall has all the congratulations from the rest of her igbo mafia clique, and a few "who's the guy"; "when's the big day" and "oh I'm so glad that you and americana are back together" messages on the wall. She's still coding on Facebook, that she fell madly in love with her childhood friend and they're so in love... tchiiiieeeeeeeewwwwwww AKUKO! Turns out the reason for the acceleration for this their popcorn love is the fact that she's preggers and she wants to quietly get married before anyone is the wiser.

Anuofia, like she hasn't singlehandedly opened her mouth to carry that same gist about someone else before and gone on holier than thou tirades about how it's only used up ashawos that trap men with pregnancy to get married; now the shoe is on her foot she wants to pretend is Jimmy Choo. See the thing about Fidelia's beau, is that he's very much like his friend Ashawo eyes, he still likes to play away match with any unsuspecting or fully informed chick that falls for his crap. He's not that fine, killer body though, and he's an unambitious layabout. Grease to her elbows sha, na her biko. But walahi, I hope her gist spreads like wildfire, like she used to spread other people's business, including mine. Nto gi! Ewu.

Anyways, call me americanized, but I thought getting married because of pregnancy was phased out in the 80's, is that still a reason to get married?

Tagged

2008-05-09T18:50:00.001+01:00

Tagged by Nwanyi Ocha

Rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you…

2. Mention the rules in your blog…

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged

____________________________________________________________________

My quirks

1. I always mix in a chocolate bar into my popcorn, and sometimes gummy bears. The best mixes I've had so far are butter popcorn and kit kat bites with green gummy bears (YUM!) and kettle corn with twix bars. Everyone makes a face, but when they eat it they know what's up.

2. I only wear shoes when I'm in motion, otherwise as soon as I'm sitting down I slip them off, even at work and church. I thought everyone did that, but lately I've been told that's not true.

3. I've always wanted braces, never needed them, but still always wanted them.

4. I get domestic when I'm stressed. If I'm trying to make a tough decision, I'll cook food, wash the windows, scrub, bake cakes etc. until I've resolved whatever it is that's bugging me.

5. I love popping the bubbles in bubble wrap, if the urge hits me to pop the bubble's I'll go out and buy some.

6. I sketch floor plans all the time. Took an architecture module in my high school art class, and ever since then been drawing them up.

I now tag the following people:

Chameleon, Kokolette, Solomon Sydelle, 30 Plus, Omuluzua, s.chic

dotdotdot random

2008-03-20T20:48:00.000Z

Easter is so early this year, it kinda just creeped up on me this time around. So I'm leaving town tonight with the dude, we're spending the holiday with his family and I'm toeing the line between calm and collected and piss in my pants scared. It's not the first time I'm being taken home to meet someone's family, but the damn butterflies are in my stomach fluttering up a storm. The worst that could happen is that they don't like me, which he has assured me is virtually impossible, but we'll sha see.

So I've been kicking it with dude for more than a few months, and I need to find a way to conquer this paranoia that I've been experiencing. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying the journey we're on and I make a conscious effort not to punish him for other's people's mistakes or his admitted past mistakes, but I can't help the crazy thoughts running through my head. As in, I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the K-leg, the hidden baby mama/not quite ex wife or for him to just be a fugging jerk. Can we say BAGGAGE?!!!! Yes. Baggage. Anyways my paranoia is just a result of past interactions, listening too much to "men are awful" convos, bad decisions I've made, some reality (hello! have you seen US headlines lately? apparently every man in power is fucking a man or woman or both on the side, tufiakwa this is Sodom and Gomorrah for sure) and of course NOLLYWOOD.

Anyways so the latest crazy thought in my head is detectives. I have been toying with the idea of hiring one to give me the skinny on bobo. Why? I don't know o! It's plain old madness because it's based of nothing at all. Like I've gotten none of those usual vibes or inclinations that I chose to ignore in the past, you know that feeling you get in your heart when you know something's just not right nor has he done anything that made me look at him sideways, like start cheesing extra hard when he's on the phone with one of his extra pretty girl-friends. I haven't even gotten frenemies dropping little nuggets of discord disguised as "gist" or "intel;" I am coming up with this wahala all by myself. Anyways the good thing is that I've expressed this paranoia to him and he's working with me, though sometimes I wonder if he won't use that against me one day in the future... Actually another good thing is that he has never asked me to trust him. i am wary of people who make that request because history has proven that its the untrustworthy ones who make that request; besides I have a hard time trusting God so what man thinks he's higher than God in my life.

I haven't gushed about him, about how perfect he is and blah blah blah, abeg I've eaten crow one too many times, I'll let people make their own conclusions on him and us. In the meantime I hope these crazy thoughts stay in check until Monday, I don't want them to influence how I interact with his family and make me see things that aren't there or worse make me blind to things that are obviously there! I do hope to have fun this weekend, thankfully I already have an ally in their house, since his brother's project is in our city and I've met him several times over. If his mother doesn't like me, hopefully she's not as forward (albeit tactless) as my Nigerian mother but we'll see. In case this post doesn't make sense, it's not my fault I'm hella tired because I've had like zero sleep this week, thinking my thoughts.

It's Friday!

2008-03-07T21:04:00.000Z

I really do want to update, but I just haven't gotten myself or my thoughts together enough to do so. Ife ka nku !!!

I've got it bad for this dude mehn! If someone told me he jazzed me I'd believe it because it's like a damn trance and I don't ever want to go back to reality. Anyways without getting into the gist, we had this major argument that made me realize how small the world is and how nothing is truly hidden under the sun. The fight started with him FORBIDDING me to associate with this chick that I know some corner corner way. I mean she's a useless girl o and I'm not friends with her, but did he born me to be forbidding me up and down? Even my mother who carried me for almost 10 months and ended up having an episiotomy because of my big head, can't forbid me and he think he can. Ah! That day he saw my red eye, a different side of the me he's used to.

I've also started a side business of sorts... I don't know. It started as my homeboy saying I'd be a perfect person his friend needed for some thing, and I was bored so I agreed. Now said friend's wife has referred me to other people and they all pay me for a few hours of work each month. Why wasn't I a hustler earlier on in life? Anyways the so called extra money isn't being spent on things I want, (I resist you demon of shoe sales, get thee behind me!) I'm trying to get into better financial shape this year. I would like to get out of the corporate world at some point, and know when I leave, I'm never coming back out of necessity because it damn sure won't be for desire. So I'm making more of my money work for me, in case the people I work for try to give me any gra gra in a year or five, I know that I can tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine and be able to keep it moving.

I've found a few more frenemies. I mean I'm not sincerely hurt or anything, those cows were never part of my inner circle to begin with, but it is good to know that I'm not paranoid. Because when I would actually wonder what their actual motivations behind certain statements were, some folks would always say I was being hypersensitive; but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that any chick, who manages to throw some grains of insult or add jara to your insecurity in each conversation, isn't your friend. Anyways, each day I understand better why God saw it fit for me to move out here, because though I'm 100% sure my life wouldn't be at a standstill, I know I wouldn't be at such a better place all around.

So maybe in a couple more weeks things will wind down for me and I'll be back to posting more often. Or not.

The way I love you

2008-02-14T00:53:00.001Z

I'm not a fan of Ashitty, her look, her voice, her wigs, her ... you sha get the point. But I am really feeling this here video. Nelly, biko watch kwa this video, let us stop hearing rumors about you having babies with strippers in Atlanta, you might just get cut o. How appropriate it premieres the day before Valentine's Day!

I'm not going to lie, I've gotten dizzyingly angry once or twice when I found out about a (not so) significant other's creeping ways. While I've never contemplated homicide, I have exacted my own form of revenge that at the time left me with some sort of smug satisfaction. Without glorifying the sheer stupidity I've have engaged in, I can say that at this point, I don't see myself again risking a criminal record in the name of showing someone pepper.

♥

Honestly speaking

2008-02-05T22:32:00.000Z

I got this from Bobby Taylor's Blog and decided to answer as well.

1. Honestly, are you in love right now?
No, not with any adults (other than myself) anyways.

2. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
... flesh?

3. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
Nonso

4. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
Browsing blogs/playing Diner Dash

5. Honestly, what did you do today?
Clean out my inbox, both virtual and physical

6. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
Yes o, forget what you heard I'm a baaaad chic.

7. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
No, I'm a good girl.

8. Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?
Only Hannah Montana, Raven is too corny these days.

10. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
God, my sibling's kids, my mom, making other people happy in that exact order

11. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
bite ke? Do you know how much I spend on manicures?

12. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
Hopeful

13. Honestly, who do you want to see at this very moment?
My brother

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
I think it's a light and shallow one sha, but its still a secret

15. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
Nope, takes too much energy to hate, and at the end of the day it's only me its going to be eating up while they go on living their life therefore I live in a hate free zone.

16. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
Nobody

17. Honestly, do your wrists hurt?
No I haven't been up to that lately.

18. Honestly, are you in denial?
Not really.

19. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
No. I'm honestly shocked at that my no answer sef.

20. Honestly, is it easier to talk on Blogger than in person?
About some things, yes. Other things, not so much.

21) Honestly, does anyone like you?
They better, they won't meet another me in 10 lifetimes.

22. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
Hell to the no, levels dey.

24. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?
Yes, except #8. I watch Lilo and Stitch too, and I don't know why either it's the height of retardation!

_____
Okay, so I have a few questions, feel free to weigh in on the comments.

1. You're developing a friendship with someone, and they're now interested in dealing with your... ehm for past gbenshing partner. They're 100% unaware of the history between the both of you, and technically even though you haven't been gbenshing lately, you both reserve the right to resume said activities in the future and you both fully intend on asserting that right. Are you obligated to tell the truth about your past relationship with the cut buddy to possible future friend?

Ok so I guess it was just one question.

...

2008-01-18T22:54:00.000Z

So I had this long gist from naija trip (nothing sexy o, as in I didn't fall madly in love (or just plain mad for that matter) just my parents practically disowned me that's all); then I realized I won't ever be able to type out the whole thing before this summer because the grammar is too much. All in all, I had an awesome holiday period, and I'm back to work already.

New Year, many new things like my hair. Cut, colored and all mine. For real this time. I'm considering a trans-Atlantic move, my mom has gone hysterical (what else is new?) but I might as well use this opportunity to brush up on my foreign language skills abi? I'm also training to run a marathon, well this isn't new I've been training for a few months now, but its no longer just for shits and giggles, I've actually registered for one. We'll sha see.

So I was browsing Bubble's blog and happened upon this meme and since I'm too tired for a real update here goes.

Two Names you go by

Deedee
babygirl (pronounced baybeegehl as it has to be said with a thick igbotic accent)

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now

Grey wool
Pearl earrings

Two Things You Would Want (or have) in a Relationship

Honesty
Freedom

Two of your favorite things to do

Yoga
Smile

Two things you want very badly at the moment:

Ferragamo Laser cut patent tote
A foot massage

Two pets you had/have:

Lucy & Ethel - my siamese fighting fish

Two people you think will fill this out

Nobody
Somebody

Two things you did last night

Prayed
Cooked

Two things you ate last night:

Curry lamb
Plain yogurt

Two people you last talked to

My sis
My other sis

Two longest car rides

Greensboro to Indianapolis
Richmond to Montreal

Two favorite holidays

Christmas (when I was under 13)
Martin Luther King Jr. Day ( I definitely need the day off by then)

Favorite Beverages

Water
Rum and tonic

Person no longer alive you'd like to talk to

A Damn Sandwich and other adventures

2007-12-18T00:08:00.000Z

A Damn Sandwich

I usually don't have a temper. In fact people often marvel about my ability laugh things off and keep it moving. I tell them that I laugh to keep from killing people, and they think I'm joking but it's true. I try not to let people or their actions bother me, but occasionally people get me to the point where my red eye starts to bleed profusely. December 8 was one of those days. I was jejely shopping by myself early that day. I knew it would be the first and last day I would have to do my holiday shopping and I had other things to do, so I armed myself with shopping combat gear (tennis shoes, mp3 player, shopping list, credit cards and Dunkin Donut's vanilla spice coffee) and went to do some Christmas shopping battling. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I hate malls. I swear they limit the amount of oxygen in the malls so people go light headed and spend way more than they ever intended (it's a conspiracy) and for the icing, they hire the most obnoxious teenagers in every city to walk in hordes like water buffaloes and take up unnecessary space. However for Christmas season, I see that it's a necessary evil and I go there to do my business and come out quickly.

So it was around 1pm that day and I had been lucky enough to get 80% of my gifts in one department store and I was happy. I had to make a couple of trips to the car so I could shop baggage free and I was rounding off. Then I remembered there was a store in the mall where I could get fitted for a bra (yeah so every pound counts and if I lose or gain weight my bra size changes) and decided just to go ahead and get it done. Long story short, when it came time to go get fitted, I had too many bags and a nice sales associate offered to hold my bags and I could come get them when I was done at the other store. I took her up on her offer and went off, I came back about an hour later and the sales associate was on a break. There was this guy who looked unbusy to me, since he was just standing at the register area chit chatting with another employee straightening racks. So I approach him, and ask him about getting my bags. I swear the guy didn't even look at me well well and he dismissed me, and said with a big sigh, "we don't hold bags" and continued his conversation with his coworker. The chick sef, I think she saw the beginnings of my red eye and started to make herself scarce.

At that point I'd been shopping for hours and was a bit hungry, I mean the coffee only gives you a false sense of energy after all, so his was definitely messing with the wrong one! So I said, excuse me, I left my bags here with the other sales associate who put them behind the counter so she held my bags and I'd like to pick them up now. Granted I said that with more attitude than was necessary but the effer was taking me there! So he said, "Like I said m'am we don't hold bags, they're no bags here you can come around here and look for yourself since you don't seem to understand that." I should have known right then and there I was dealing with a demonic somebody mehn. So I looked at his name tag and addressed him by name, and asked to speak to the store manager. He wordlessly picked up the phone and called security, saying he needed assistance and walks to the back room. He didn't call the manager from that phone. Chineke, man pikin don suffer in this america ooooo! She he had the right idea, because if not for Jesus he'd have really needed someone to hold me back from knocking him upside the head. At that point I was STEAMING! You know the angry that you don't even dare speak a word because you have no idea what might come out, the anger where your entire body is instantly hot and you literally see red.

So security comes up and sees me sitting there squinting my eyes in anger, and approaches me and they ask me if there's any problem; addressing me like I'm some sort of a mental case. So I said as calmly as possible that I had left my bags with the employee who was on break or gone home, and I wanted to pick them up and le idiot who was there before refused to help me, and I wanted to speak with a manager. I gave them the hold tag the chick gave me, and the man in the team, takes it and checks behind the counter and the bags aren't there. So he walks into the back room and walks back out less than one minute later with my bags. He apologizes for the mixup and offers to help me carry my load to the car. But mba, nope the previous effer had gotten me to the highest level of pisstivity; I was going to get in that ass. I accepted the apology and demanded to speak to the manager. I asked them to please call up there which they did. Now whomever he got told him to send me upstairs, and that was the wrong damn answer. I refused, I said the store manager should come and meet me on the sales floor where I was, nonsense, don't I come there to spend my money, and they take it on the sales floor, why should I be going up and down anuofias. So when the manager came down and I relayed everything that transpired to him in my best britico accent and explained to him that I've been shopping at this chain since I was a child and I spend enough to qualify for those measly $25 Gift Certificate that you you have to spend at least x amount of dollars to get every quarter. I put on the best show, complete with near waterworks and pulling the race card. And you know what the mickifricki manager did after all that. He gave me a coupon to the Cafe for a damn sandwich!

Yeah so I returned everything I bought that day, and closed my credit account, after I received a written and verbal apology from the idiot sales associate.

Commando

Christmas season is one of my favorite seasons. Yes you get tons of gifts and you're around friends and family, and there's generally laughter and merriment. As a child in the villa, I would find a way to make it to where my father and other elders would be enjoying premium palm wine most evenings, and I would greedily gulp mouthfuls of it before my mother could find me and make me go to bed. I was also insanely rich every Christmas too, I mean balling!!! Well by an 8yr old's standards anyhow. You know when all these big men would come and pay their respects and do the visits to our family compound, I have always been a people person and would remember every uncle's name and being so amused with my amazing memory or simply indulging me, they'd dash me 100 naira. This was back late 80's when naira wasn't a disgraceful currency, when it meant something. Ah in a week, I'd be at the very least a thousandaire if not multi-thousandaire. Off course all this money went into the "bank of mommy is holding it for you" and it got applied to something useful and I never saw the funds again. I most remember, 1989. A family friend came all the way from his villa to shoot the breeze with my father, and when he asked me if I knew who he was, I answered. I said everything I had heard about him in passing and commented on how he didn't look like the onye ala everyone said him to be. He gave me 500 naira while guffawing uncontrollably... and my mom was turning red. That same Christmas, I went commando for the first time that I can remember.

That week, all the grandchildren were assembled to take a photo at my grandfather's request. His family was finally complete that year. All of his children had married and procreated, so he was really adamant about all of his grandkids in one photo. I had been playing with some of my cousins and family friends in the village... we'd run (without permission) to the stream and through farms, we'd been chased by nmawu and goats. I was enjoying that day, because I wasn't under the watchful eye of my mom who had gone to Enugu that morning, so I played till i got hungry. Even then I went to my cousin's grandma's house where he's nwa di ana, and ate there. We had forgotten that we were supposed to take pictures that day and onye ne se photo, was already there and had been waiting. They came and found us at his grandma's taking a much needed nap. Well we had to run all the way back home and I remember Ada pulling my ear seriously, it was throbbing and hurriedly washing me up and making me wear what momsie had set out for me before she left. Well in my rush I forgot to put on my undies and when I realized it, instead of running back upstairs and facing my physical abuse from my sister, I went outside.
We took the picture and every time I look at that picture with all of us, and I see me with the blue gingham dress with a cherry motif and the tie belt, I remember what started my now daily habit.

Excess Luggage

This is not about anything deeper, like letting past experiences change my present interactions or holding onto the past; it's about actual excess baggage. You know the kind that these airlines will gladly charge you for, by the piece or pound or a delightfully expensive combination of both. Well I'm going home this week and this is my biggest issue right now, excess freaking luggage! Right now I have 4 pieces of luggage that have to go with me on the plane, and they all have to go there's no ands, ifs or buts about it, and there's two "let's see how it goes" pieces. I have spent the entire weekend deliberating, maneuvering, unpacking and repacking and I was able to get it down to just 5 pieces. This is quite an improvement over previous Christmas trips home sha, so I'm kinda proud of myself. Now if you're like my friend who was present for most of the packing, under the pretense of "helping" but was really there to eat up my food; you're probably saying WTF? Why do you have so much stuff, are you selling things or what? Well I'm not selling anything, a good 70% of things packed are mine...hell you know how much space shoes alone take? Biko y'em efe! The rest is stuff for momsie and other close people who asked nicely, way ahead of time and haven't pissed me off since.

Gone are the days when I was able to go home with just two pieces of luggage: 1. My sisters are both married and won't be near me for me to access their closets easily 2: My social calendar is significantly fuller than it has ever been, because I'm being carried up and down by my new friend. Now we land in Lagos and have all these events to attend from day 1 to the day we leave. This year na serious wahala too, I will parambulating all through Ala Igbo, my sis is doing Ikujenwa with another one in her belly, and the momsies have gotten together and decided there was one day in the village that was apparently not busy enough for them, so it will be a bigger thing than it's supposed to be... I'll be going from one Ikwa Nkwu to another, Asaba, Atani, Ezeinifite, Achina, Nnewi, Uga, Nkwerre, Adazi, Enugu-Ukwu all of una get ready for me o, because I'm ready for you too, me and my excess luggage.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year all.

What do you really know about yourself?

2007-11-30T05:00:00.000Z

Tomorrow is December 1, 2007. Tomorrow is World AIDS Day.

Of all the things you know about yourself, do you know your HIV status? Are you sure? No really are you?

I encourage anyone who reads this to get tested and find out their HIV status. It is free and confidential in many parts of the world. It can also be anonymous. Also, if you are like me and have had to make promises to God (promises that you have no real intention of keeping) during the 3 -14 day wait to get your results, there is hope... with the Orasure test you can find out in as little as 20minutes.

Over the years I have had to cut ignorant people out of my life because of their refusal albeit fear to know their status. I've heard people justifying themselves by saying, if I am positive then my life is over; if I am positive, I'm going to die; if I am positive then I have to stop having sex. Ummm.... HIV isn't an instant death sentence, Hydeia Broadbent contracted HIV at birth in 1984, she's now 23years old and living a full life as an AIDS activist. If you think that getting a positive results means you're going to die, guess what? Everyone who is born has to die, period. If you are indeed positive, you can seek treatment to live the best possible life, rather than get ravaged by the disease while exposing others to it. As for being selfish enough to put others life at risk because you want to continue to experience physical pleasure that can be achieved solo... May God surely reward you for your recklessness.

As the holidays roll around and many of us make our pilgrimage home... please be careful. If you are HIV negative protect your status bikonu, use a condom. Go to the pharmacy before you board your flight, get a box big enough for each day of your trip in case of any incasities; even if you do not plan on any sexual activities. Bobos... just because the babe fine and she's offering her goodies for free doesn't mean you should accept o, after all how many things in this life are free? Excluding air of course, because even some people pay for water. Chikitos... do not let some aristo fool you in selling your life away for a Louis Vuitton, even if it's real.

Keep in mind, that map is from 2001 o! And we all know how everything grows exponentially at home, from corruption, to fake accents, to yahoozee... AIDS is no different. That your boyfriend from your days as a QC chick, leave am... do not be rekindling nada without wrapping it up. That babe wey no gree give u face time when u were a skinny runt your first year in Awka, who is now running to see you in villa, abeg pick race to the other direction, but if you decide you want to do it, wrap it up. In fact, I change my mind, everyone go home with at least two of the biggest boxes of condoms you can find for sale... keep one and give one away to your friends or relatives.

If you're not crossing any seas during this festive period, in many parts of the world, it is cold. And cold weather leads to coupling and mating for many people...umm you know what to do, what do they say again, no glove, no love abi? Make that your mantra. Learn it,live it, love it. If you have no idea what to get your close friends for their stocking stuffers, consider adding a box of condoms, hey they could use it :)

Before you sha go or even if you're staying put, find an HIV test site near you:
Canada
UK
US
Google for other countries, sha just get it done.

Guys to date

2007-11-08T00:04:00.000Z

I have nothing interesting going on right now, well nothing I want to share anyways.

In case you've never picked it up from reading anything I've written before, I have dated and still date. ALOT. I have my basic criteria for men I choose to spend my time with, but I leave plenty of space for variety. Not all my girlfriends can say the same thing, many of them are the long-term relationship kinda chicks, which is totally cool if that's your sort of thing. Now with the ones who are serial daters like me, I've compared notes and this is the continuation of conversations I've had with them, this is my list of the men you should date and why it's worth it to date them.

Woman Wrapper

This dude literally will do any and everything you want. He'll leave the work he's doing to come and make you comfortable, he'd abandon his friends because you couldn't find the right pair of shoes to wear and come to help you when you ask. The dude realizes you're boss and is happy with that, he'll never try to challenge your authority. You would think that's what everyone wants right? E ga sikwa! Who really wants a boy-boy at the end of the day to be calling her man.

The reason you should date him, is simple. It's easy to and you know what if feels like to be in control... now if you're a normal well adjusted human being you'll realize that being in control in a relationship is no fun and drop his ass. Off course when you drop his ass he will beg you to forgive him and let him come back. Just sad.

Asewo

You know the type jare, a cheating ass modafuking liar whose blokus would fall off if the world were a fair place, but its not, so the bloody thing remains intact and continues to dip into every available orifice. If you're the suspicious type, this bobo will make you think you're crazy because he literally has a plausible reason for all his absences (Babe I was sleep) , over friendliness (that's my cousin's friend) and the dirty looks you get in public (what look? I don't see any girl here but you). If you're the gullible type, he'll make you look even more stupid because trust grapevine to have started feeding you info, but you like a mugu will be defending the pitiful excuse of a man this one is.

The reason you need to date this one is so you can easily spot the next one that come along; hopefully he doesn't hurt you to the point where you turn asexual, but hopefully he has forced you to shine your eyes brighter next time.

This is not to be confused with the married man o... that one if his wife comes and pours acid on you, na your own wahala be dat, and she is entitled jare. If you live in the US, abeg research someone before you date him, you cannot say in this day and age, I didn't know he was married when google is here.

Chief

The older man. No, remove that picture from your head. This one doesn't necessarily have a pot belly or children your age, he's just had more time here on earth. Call it a Daddy complex, but this is my favorite type that I've encountered. The reasons I like this type of man are several:
1. You can learn so much from them
2. They're not playing games because they're too old for that shit
3. They've been around long enough to know what most women want (which makes you wonder why they're single but I digress)
4. He's secure enough in himself, so you don't have to deal with the machismo/egotistical/ posing crap you get with your peers.
5. I find some gray hair irresistibly sexy (okay maybe that's just me and it's not a good reason)

Again this is not a married man. And please don't confuse him with one of your daddies friend's who's clearly a perv.

The Big Boy

Do not confuse this type with omo mummy and omo daddy who are still riding their parents coattails and have nothing they've actually ever accomplished on their own. I'm talking about the dude who has hustled (LEGALLY) and made some small change for himself and doesn't mind enjoying the fruits of his labor from time to time. For obvious reasons he makes this list and for other reasons he's not a keeper.
Pros:
The times you're out with him are usually so much fun
The gifts you get are quite impressive
His ambition, passion and drives are such turn ons
People will jealous you

Cons:
You rarely can get his undivided attention, so sporadic bursts of fun
He didn't buy the gifts for you, he sent someone else to the store and its according to their tastes, so good luck if his sister is tacky
His ambition, passion and drive take priority over you
The people jealousing you will want to replace you

Sometimes these types are arrogant and boastful, which is annoying. Sometimes they're womanizers by default because women throw themselves at him because of the material things he has. The reason I think everyone should date this type is because many women (if you don't want to admit that's fine too) think RICH is part of the equation of the perfect guy. I'm not saying it isn't but everything comes at a price; so date this type of guy to see if you're willing to pay this type of price.
Disclaimer: Odu and yahoozee types are not big boys, they're criminals abeg.

The Exotic
Sometimes he's not so exotic sha, as in he's just some cute american bobo that you find attractive, but he qualifies for exotic because he's not like you.
The main reason I advocate dating this fellow, is because variety is the spice of life and our men are definitely adding spice to their life o. But seriously, we naija chicks if someone's names isn't Emeka, Olu, Osa or Priye, we no go give am face time at all. And we do a disservice to our own selves by choosing to remain confined to one demographic of man. Sometimes dating outside the box helps you appreciate the box you're confined to, or makes you realize you do better with other boxes.
If you're dating this type because you want your babies to be light skinned... well I have no words.

They're some others sha, that is for another day though.

Trifling

2007-10-31T21:39:00.000Z

I have to go to the urban dictionary to properly define what I mean by this.

1. Trifling

1. (adj.) Describing a situation, person, or event that is pathetic.

"Man, you didn't wash yo' ass after sleeping with that girl?! You just triflin'!!"

2. Trifling

shady, not right

"you tried to get with my man w/out me seeing, and then when i did see, you denied it...your a triflin' bitch"

3. Trifling

a female that lies and is dishonest and usually thinks she does no wrong.

She is a trifler, she borrowed my car for a few hours and brought it back three days later! She is one trifling cunt!

What did we do before the World Wide Web ehn? Please refer to above definitions as you read the rest of this. Let me first start off by saying I cannot stand trifling women. I mean I can't stand trifling men either, but trifling women really make my ass itch! I don't know maybe because I expect women to be better human beings or I take offense that I share something in common with these vile creatures, but I really don't like trifling women. Unfortunately in my short life I have come across my fair share of these types and in the past I used to think it was a function of age; as in she's only 21, she doesn't know any better and she'll grow up and mature past this stage... fa fa fa foul! I now know that some people are just and will always be TRIFLING. I know what am I on about right?

Nikki.
My freshman year in college, I was befriended by a senior. She was Nigerian and we ended up in the same philosophy class. She had to take it as a requirement for her degree program and somehow forgot to take it earlier. She was really nice and showed me the ropes of the uni, as per what professors to avoid, how to get cleared for early registration etc. She used to invite me over to her dorm all the time because I hated my roommates and she used to gist with me. The biggest plus to being cool with a senior was the fact that she had a kitchen and would always be frying plantain (which I have always been a sucker for sha, I know apili!) She is not the trifling one I'm referring to though. See Tayo, like all other seniors who lived on campus, had amazing living quarters; whereas lowly fresh meat like myself were cramped by the threes and fours into a tiny space meant for one the upperclassmen had 2 and 3 bedrooms suites and whatnot. Tayo's roommate was this chick Nikki. Now she's the trifling heifer I'm talking about. Nikki grew up in the Main Line, she was on the surface, a cultured and exposed BAP, but underneath all of that preppy and privileged upbringing was a trifling cow.
Now as a regular visitor to their suite, I was privy to how trifling this chick actually was. Nikki and Tayo would constantly get into it for a variety of reasons especially clothes. Tayo is a naturally slim girl, she can eat pounded yam and akpu for 30 days straight and still be kpelenge (insert slight hateration here) and Nikki though not "big" definitely wasn't Tayo's size. Now they would get into it because some days Tayo would go looking for her pair of jeans and find them with Nikki's laundry... smelling not so fresh. See Nikki either didn't believe in the concept of laundry or didn't know how to put clothes in the washer then dryer. Either way, there was always piles of dirty clothing on her floor and instead of washing them she'd go to the mall and buy new clothing or when time didn't permit she'd just "borrow" Tayo's clothes. Which in itself might not be so bad, if they were cool like that or if Nikki wore underwear. I know trifling right?

How can you wear someone else's clothes without underthings? inyama!
Anyways the other thing they constantly argued about was traffic... Nikki had a boyfriend who went to the same uni. He was an athlete, never did go pro though, so he was treated like a demi-god on campus. The bobo sha used to gbensh half of the chicks on campus, but everyone knew Nikki was his main chick. Anyways as per nothing is hidden under the sun, most of his escapades with willing participants would filter back to her. So Nikki fought fire with fire... she'd gbensh other dudes too, but word never got back to him until one day like this.

On this one day, Tayo had invited a few other naija/african students to come to their place because she was going to cook. Trust me now, awoof too dey sweet me, I was there. We were just having a good old time, none of us realized Nikki was there because her door remained closed. So it was a surprise to see her when her boyfriend rang the doorbell. Sha we continued being loud ass Africans, as Nikki and the boyfriend retreated to her room and closed the door. Until we heard "What the feck is this Nikki" As per gist mongers, we all got quiet real quick and then next thing you know, Nikki was half naked in the living area and her boyfriend was screaming real loud in her room. She sha asked us to call campus police, which we immediately did, then out comes her boyfriend. He was holding a condom.

I know what you're thinking, ehen and so?
Wait now. Make I finish.

So he's holding this condom and cursing her out, calling her all kinds of bitches and hoes right. And keeps starting towards Nikki, who has wrapped herself in a throw at this point and was crying and apologizing. He kept making, what would now be classified as terroristic threats towards her, while Christian and Saidu were both trying to hold him back. In fact Nikki berra thank God that those guys were there that day, otherwise she might have gotten the ass beating off her life. Anyways at this point campus police has now come into the apartment and they recognized the athlete and immediately tried to diffuse the situation so no report would be filed and he could play in that week's home game abi. The bobo sef calmed down and when they asked him what happened, he got mad again. Apparently he was giving Nikki some "head" and while exploring her with his tongue, his tongue got a taste of something. He then reached into her with his fingers and pulled out a condom that he knows he didn't leave in there.

So trifling ass Nikki, was trifling, not necessarily because she was attempting sexual relations with two guys in a short span of time, but because she had a condom inside of her and didn't notice or couldn't be bothered to clean up after sex to notice. And trifling Nikki, dealt with trifling dudes who would leave condoms inside of her (I mean what's the point of using them at that point ehn?) Anyways, yeah as per black student grapevine works at supersonic speed and there were tons of witnesses inside and outside the suite, before the next day Nikki had gained mild notoriety that she wasn't able to live down, since she remained in the area after graduation.

Ebele.
There's this chick here in my new town, that's I've met a couple of times. But I knew of her before I ever met her, because of her gist. See Ebele is probably 30 or so, and is looking to get married. What else is friggin new? Anyways, she's making quite a name for herself because of the trifling things she does in the name of meeting a man she'll marry. So the gist goes that two or so years ago, she was living out of town, but dating this guy Ifeanyi. She then relocated here and they were together for a while and he wanted to marry her, but she broke it off. She said (and I confirmed this part with her o) that he simply wasn't ambitious enough for her, that part of her marriage plans is not to work and Ifeanyi would never be able to keep her in the lifestyle she wants with his lack of drive. Now this doesn't make her trifling, she knows what she wants and she's being honest abi. Though I can't fathom why she has one Master's and is working on another if she doesn't intend on using them.

So Ebele broke it off with Ifeanyi officially, though physically they were still very much involved for a while after. The next guy she deals with after Ifeanyi, was a high school buddy of Ifeanyi's that Ifeanyi would easily consider one of his closest friends. The bobo's name is Patrick and Ebele met him through Ifeanyi. But on the surface (since he's flashier) he seemed more ambitious that Ifeanyi, so she pursued a relationship with Patrick. NOW, my people wtf was she thinking? How can you pursue your ex's close friend while still kpanshing your ex? Do you think that these friends don't talk? So Ifeanyi was still kpanshing her for free, and Patrick was kpanshing her too since she was offering. Now a few months later, she decides Patrick is suitable for marriage and proposes the idea to him. Off course he dresses her down and lets her know he's fully aware that he's not the only one sampling her and he sees nothing long term with her. Off course he repeats the story to his circle of friends, who aren't exactly discreet, who continue to repeat it until the gist becomes stale.

Ebele retreated for a while, trying to live down the shame abi. She eventually got a new circle of friends and started appearing everywhere with this girl Ije. Now Ije is just a social person and has tons of friends and family in the area and always knows what hot in town abi and can easily be seen at 10 different parties in one night. Sha Ije was dating this guy that her cousin had hooked her up with, and all was going well, but Ije's gra gra too much, and one day she suspected the guy of cheating or something so she dumped him unceremoniously and publicly too. She apparently was going on some sort of unsubstantiated "feeling" that he was hooking up with other chicks. The guy, Victor, really like Ije despite her extra drama and had gone to her cousin (his friend) to get him to talk to his crazy cousin and calm her down. So cousin sha tried, but Ije wasn't quite feeling it, and agreed to at least talk to him. So she takes Ebele to the party where she was supposed to meet with the Victor bobo and talks things over. The guy now introduces himself to Ebele as Ije's boyfriend, and Ije wasn't feeling that, and their talk that night was fruitless. But at that same party, while Ije was socializing, her cousin came to point out to her that her would be boyfriend was seen sitting in a car with her so called new friend.

Ije wasn't necessarily phased, she even went to go find the girl when they were ready to move on to the next party. At some point Ebele expressed interest in Ije's older cousin who she met at the party and Ije gave her his number and assumed all would be well. Until a few weeks later, Ije who was now sorting things out with Victor started hearing that Ebele was dating Victor. She asked Ebele about it, who denied it, stating that she had only met him that one time and wished them the best, besides she was dating Ije's cousin now. Like a mugu Ije believed her, and assumed gist had just gone wrong as it often does. So she continues her dealing with Victor and one day broke into his voicemail. The Ije chick sef, is some brand of psycho sha, but I digress. So one day she gets into Victor's voicemail and whose voice did she hear on her so called boyfriend's mailbox but Ije's. The message (and I've heard it) was her saying that she knows she gave him the best blowjob of his life and he was about to get round 2, but since he's still playing with that small girl Ije and won't take her call that she guesses she's going to have to go give it to her boyfriend.

Now the thing with dealing with so called small girls (Ije might be 23/24) who are clearly crazy, is that dem dey crase! So the chick forwarded the message to herself, and converted it to mp3 format. She didn't even confront Victor or Ebele, she just forwarded it in electronic format to people. This is semi stale gist now sha, because it was earlier this year. But I recently met the Ebele and she's trying to be friendly towards me... I don't fecking think so, bish you trifling!

No Sex in the Champagne room

2007-10-24T21:48:00.000+01:00

I can't believe this almost qualifies for old school, chei where is time even going sef. I remember when this came out vividly, fun times in college I tell you. Anyways the reason I posted this song, aside from it being funny as hell was because of the nuggets of wisdom Chris Rock was dropping during his spoken word. Let me be more specific, go to the 3:08 minute mark in this video.

WORDS OF WISDOM SHARED
If you've been dating a man for four months
and you haven't met any of his friends, you are NOT his girlfriend!

Ladies, women, females whatever you classify yourself as, abegiiii know your role o! I am personally tired of people complaining about how they're dating some guy who's cheating or "playing" them and then when you examine the facts of the case it's her that played herself. Ah, don't get me wrong, I'm usually down for the occasional male bashing session (sorry fellas but its chicken soup for the single woman's soul) but I can't be involved when the woman is at fault for her own wahala. Half of the time women claim to be "played" they were referees during said game and chose not to call fouls and other infractions.

Here are some good rules to stick to when dealing with men folk.

- Put yourself and your wants/needs first, at least initially.
Best believe he's doing the same thing, relationships require reciprocity don't keep giving and giving and never receiving in return, as we women often do. Please be selfish until he has shown you that he's worth expending your energy.

- Close your legs.
Sex complicates things and you know that so quit acting brand new! Even if your vajayjay was lined with platinum, it's not the only one and it still can't keep a man. I don't know that many women who can keep sleeping with the same man and not get some emotional strings tangled up with him, so before you get your heart strings all tied up in the man, make sure he wants to get tied up with you. There is really no such thing as NSA, unless you're a pro, in that case business is just business.

- Listen with both ears.
I firmly believe most men tell women what they want, and we choose to turn their words into Mills and Boons. Listen for what is being said, and what is not being said, and translate it to you bikonu, don't keep wasting months and years for someone who doesn't want you.

Common examples:
He says: I am not ready for a relationship right now
What he's really saying: I am not ~~ready for~~ interested in a relationship ~~right now~~ with you.

He says: Let us see where it goes
What he's really saying: Let us manage each other for now and see ~~where it goes~~ if we can't find other/better options

He says: Me and my girlfriend are having problems right now
What he's really saying: Me and my girlfriend are ~~having problems right now~~ going to get married but I'll hit it if you let me.

He says: I've been really busy with work/school/travelling
What's he's really saying: I've been really busy with ~~work/school/travelling~~ other women I'm actually interested in, but I'll hit it since you'll let me

- Regular gbenshing is not equals to relationship. 3 times a day kpanshing does not equal to boyfriend/girlfriend.
Stop playing yourself, if you want a relationship, don't sign up for or participate in the jumpoff or cut buddy plan. It is hard to upgrade yourself once you're in this position, because even if he's "taking care of you" or sleeps with you every night, he's still not committed to your ass and will drop you once he finds what he actually wants and needs or gets bored.

- If you've never seen him while the noon sun is shining, you are just a booty call. And a lowly ranked one at that. Kpele.

- Open your mouth and say what you want, if he's not looking for what you're looking for, no matter how "perfect" he is, he's no longer perfect for you.
I'm not saying be extra scary and start talking about how you've already planned your wedding and you have names picked out for your 5 kids (PSYCHO...) but if you are looking for a serious long term relationship, say so and don't accept less than what you're looking for.

- If he starts professing marriage to you, in a short amount of time, lets say a matter of weeks be afraid.
Well not be afraid, just shine your eyes well well. Don't believe the hype on all these wedding websites and Oxygen network, few men fall in love at first sight. Sometimes they throw the marriage bait out there to manipulate you, perhaps they're trying to get you to cook for them or try anal sex or whatever; but a man who actually wants to marry you won't just say it, he'll back it up with actions too. If you're unclear on what actions are done to back it up are, abeg stop reading this now and pray to God to keep you from the hands of the enemy.

- If you have been with a man for a while, and you have never been introduced to his friends, you are not his girlfriend. Kpom. (That's full stop for non-igbo speakers and period for you ajebos)
I'm not talking about the two or three friends that he always takes you around, (who are coincidentally never with the same girl as the last time) you know the ones who look at you lecherously, like you're a juicy medium filet mignon ... but a wider cross section of his friends, people he works with, goes to church with, has known since he was a kid etc. He's not being romantic when he finds out of the way places to take you after you've nagged about not going out, he's avoiding being seen with you.

There are always exceptions to the rule sha, like if you live in Alaska where there is no sun for a couple of weeks, or your man is a prick and truly has no friends or the dude's visa just ran out and you're a citizen e ma go. For the most part, I find that these are fairly good rules to apply. I'm not expert when it comes to men, in fact I'm probably in the intro to beginner's level, but I personally hate getting geared up for a good "why I hate men" session, only to hear the whole gist and see that my girl was an olodo in the first place.

All is not lost

2007-10-22T22:11:00.000+01:00

I have not abandoned my blog. Unfortunately I let too much time elapse, and there's much to update.

- I figured out the chick who was harassing me on the phone was. One of my closest guy friends, let me call him Anu Ewu, gave my number to a brother of one of his friends without my knowledge. I had met the guy last year at one of the many Thanksgiving get-togethers I went to. Just to show how much of an agbaya I am/was; so every Thanksgiving I always have somewhere to go for dinner (i.e. Adanna's house) but me and Anu ewu, meet up around noon and hit up at least 6 different venues, just to show face and eat meatpie or woreva before we end up at my sis' place. Yes, in case you wanted to know, awoof does indeed run belle. Anyhoo, he gave my number to the guy, who wrote me some texts and never sent them and I guess the girlfriend happened upon them. Anyways after the phone call with chick, she apparently went to the guy and they had a big confrontation and anu ewu filled me in on the details. They're still together is the long and short of the story.

- Nonso finally realized that I moved out of town. Got upset that I didn't tell him or let him help me, I couldn't/didn't give two fecks about how he felt. He still yarns dust on a regular basis using all modes of communication and I ignore the little shit.

- Speaking of shitty. Binging is not good. I recently had to stay home from work because I overdosed on laxatives. Not pretty. One day I don't know how my inner fat girl got loose and managed to eat at least 3 days worth of food in one seating. Naturally I was disgusted with myself and feeling quite ill. I was nursing an injury and couldn't work on the elliptical for hours like I wanted, so I decided the smart thing to do was drink some warm water and take some laxatives. So I have "natural" laxatives... you know the ones with senna in them. The box said it would work in 6 - 12hours. It was a long time to wait but it had to do. Yeah so when hour 13 came and no movement happened, I decided to double up. CHINEKE GOD OF AFRICA! Hour 15 - 31 were some of the most uncomfortable and humiliating hours of my life. Needless to say, them laxatives have since been flushed down and all I need is that memory to stop from overeating... at least until Christmas.

- Both my sisters apparently drank from the same cup and are both pregnant, and they're about 2 weeks apart. I didn't drink from the cup, so I'm good.

- My father keeps calling me. I don't know why. Our conversations never last past the 90 second mark. There's nothing to talk about past my work and his health, which are both fine. I seriously don't know why he bothers, I don't know him, he doesn't know me. So far it has worked for 10+years. Why rock the boat now?

- Dr. Pete has been extremely sweet to me lately and I love it. He listens to my moaning and groaning and sends me little things that mean so much, like an inspirational message when I'm having an especially tough week, or maggi crayfish, because I hadn't figured out where to buy it yet here. I didn't even think he'd know where to buy them either. I mean we're not going back that road again, I don't do leftovers, especially when they're mine; but I can acknowledge he's being especially thoughtful.

- I am still single and unwilling to mingle, and it suits me just fine, because the time I would have spent with the guy(s) has been invested in pursuing other hobbies; I'm now a scrapbooking fiend, and have redone just about all my photo albums to convey stories and I've also taken a whole bunch of dance classes at a studio not too far from where I live. I have serious skills now. I've been basically trying to keep busy and remain under the radar at the same time, I think I'm too old for the party girl persona I previously had.

That's all for now.

These bumps

2007-09-26T22:22:00.000+01:00

I haven't had time to do much of anything lately, including update this blog because of the recent change in career and zip code change. Now I am the closest I'll ever be to loving working for someone else, because my new position is actually pretty well suited for my personality and aside from the few bumps here and there, its freaking awesome.

Now to expand further on these "bumps"

Ms. Jeanette.
She's an older black woman. I'd put her at mid 50's maybe, heavy smoker with a gravely voice and always sharply dressed with the same shade of dark plum lipstick. She's been with the company for about 20years, and her career got stuck at executive assistant and she seems resentful of any other black person in the company. Well let me clarify, any other black woman who has a non administrative position with the company. Old heifer refuses to do anything I ask her to do, always has a million excuses why she doesn't handle my administrative stuff, when she's here in an administrative capacity. Walahi if not for Jesus ehn she would have seen my red eye!

Ryan
Well it really started my first day at the job, when he assumed I was some intern then a temp and therefore not on his level. I mean I guess I look youngish, but worrahell. So my first day he tries to tell me my office isn't mine, and tries to direct me to some empty cube. At first I thought the dude was an office manager or at least in HR, but no dude is an analyst whose department is 3 floors down, so my question was wetin consain agbero with overload ehn? Anyways the dude finds a way to irritate me on at least a weekly basis, since he's always everywhere except where he's supposed to be. The mofo is on my list.

The daily blow up
Now I'm all for being regular, I make sure I have enough fiber in my diet and all that ish. But someborri on this floor is foul y'all, just plain foul and they probably need to eliminate meat products from their diet too. So everyday after 1:45pm the ladies room closest to me is a no go area, because somebody goes in there to handle some serious business around that time on a daily basis and nobody can enter for at least 3 solid hours until the smell dissipates. The first time I went in there after that time, I swear I nearly passed the feck out. I mean ogini ki ne li? Why does it smell that bad!!!! And who does #2 outside of their home (if it can be helped, maybe its just me who prefers defecating on her own thrown though) Anyways I have learned my lesson and I make sure my bladder is emptied way before the appointed hour.

Interns
They suck. That's about it. I'm convinced they come here for the free high speed internet and free coffee. I would think if you had an opportunity to work at a company while a student you would make the most of the experience, but all they can do effectively is make single sheet copies, nothing complicated like double sided, collated and stapled and just forget about alphabetic filing.

Alison Beth Cohen
That's not her real name clearly, but it might as well be. She is the quintessential Long Island bred JAP. OH MY FRIGGING GOSH, how annoying is she. The chick is already a bitter bish at the ripe age of 25! The reason she's bitter is because she went to one of those breeder colleges and manage to graduate without admission in to the M.RS program and she's doesn't have a hubby to leach off in addition to her parent's purse. The thing is that she is incredibly intelligent, but she refuses to apply herself at all, she's more interested in picking the best shade of palest pink nail polish, keeping her appointment with her colorist and going to meet her friends for drinks at the Four Season/Ritz and snagging a man that can help her move back to New York, because the shopping is way better there. I share the same sentiment about shopping, but in any case, I don't care too much for her as she makes my job just that much more difficult and on top of that she's 100% bitch.

The air system.
It needs to be replaced. It makes entirely too much noise, I can't think with the racket going on. And as much noise as it makes, you would thing the shege wouldn't work well, but it's always freezing cold in here and I suffer from SNE and goosebumps because of the artic like temps here.

They're other bumps that come with the move too, including a neighbor who makes entirely too much noise during sex ( I can hear from 2 floors up, good thing her bobos don't last too long sha), the ekwensu who scratched my car (may God punish you), chinese delivery guy who actually asks for a bigger tip, overly aggressive men who don't seem to realize that levels dey and the homogeneous social scene so far (not that I have the time for that just yet). Anyhow, so far so good.

Abeg jo

2007-09-13T00:16:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, yours truly had a great big laugh. See I had just gotten home for the evening, and instead of unpacking (yes I am still unpacking e consain u) I started watching TV. I was craving ice cream too since I am premenstrual, but I settled for PB & Honey on wheat toast instead, which I have too say just isn't the same as Chubby Hubby ice cream but I digress. So I'm watching TV, just flipping around, and my cell phone rings. Now usually I don't pick that up at home, because I figure if you have something to say you can call me at home and if you don't have that number clearly you're not important or you don't pay me. But last night, I was flipping around on TV and felt like shooting the shit on the phone.

The first thing I noticed was that the call read unknown. Being a grown ass human being, I automatically assumed it was someone from naija or jand calling. I thought wrong. I pick up the call and in my cheery but somewhat tired voice I answered " hello this is Kpankpando," and the call got disconnected. I immediately assumed it was an unsuccessful flash from naija. Though I've warned my people over there to stop that chit. Oh well couldn't call them back since their number didn't come through. Then it rings again. Same unknown number, I picked up less formally this time "Yes hello?" There was absolute silence on the line for about 10 seconds, then the person hangs up. Now it was clear to me that it was not just an ordinary call and just as the wheels began to turn in my head, the phone rings once more. I answered "yes?"

This time I got an answer, if you could call it that. It was a crying/screeching/screaming combo. "Leave my man alone, you bitch, go and get your own" Then silence. Of course I was stunned at what I heard... and I said "I think you have the wrong number" and I hung up. Clearly the chick must have transposed some numbers while dialing because:
1. Kpakpando doesn't chase after no man
2. I have several men on reserve, so I have my own...plenty of my own
3. I am currently in a steamy, late night into the early morning, completely intoxicating affair, with my new job, so I'm not dealing with any guy right now.

I thought that would be the end of that, but no my phone rang again. It was the unknown number, so I didn't bother picking up. I wasn't going to waste the few minutes I had to myself dealing with a hysterical idiot who doesn't know how to dial a common phone number. So, I settled on watching some Law and Order rerun and tried to imagine my sandwich was chocolate drizzled, caramel covered ice cream with tons of nuts and chocolate candy bits. My phone rang a few more times, and the chick finally got the message. So I finished my sandwich and the episode of Law and Order and was drifting into sleep, my phone rang again, but I sort of recognized the number... well the area code it came from so I picked up thinking someone was calling me from work or something. Wrong I was. It was hysterical babe again, this time more calm. She started talking before I got a chance to say anything.

She said "don't you dare hang up on me again, Kpakpando Okeke"

How the hell did she know my last name? So she was dialing the right number. Emi ke? So I asked her the only thing I could think to ask at the time "Who is this?" She made a noise, it was gasp of disbelief and a chuckle rolled into one and she answered "So now you don't know who I am?" I was irritated and retorted "Did I stutter? Who is this" All the while I was jogging my memory trying to place the voice and nothing came to me. Then she started " Well since you want to play dumb, let me just tell you this, leave him alone o, just be aware while he's sending you text messages saying whatever he's sleeping with me every night and I fuck him good" I started laughing, it was the funniest thing I'd heard in days, I shouldn't have done that though, because then she started getting high pitched and loud again, so I had to cut her off. I said "clearly you're not fucking him well enough if he's still contacting me and your beef is not with me since I'm not your man. Now I'm sorry you feel like I'm your problem, but I'm not, I don't know you and perhaps if you didn't just dedicate the past hour or so prank calling me, your so-called man wouldn't have time to communicate with me."

Chei! The girl started raining all manners of abuses on me o " bitch this, cow that, ashewo kinikon etc." and all I could do was laugh. A deep belly type laugh too, the one that engages your transversus abdominal muscle. She kept on, and I had to cut her off after 30 or so seconds of her nonsense and said,"Since you refuse to be civil and I refuse to come down to your level, this conversation really can't happen, goodnight." I hung up and turned off the phone. I still have no idea who she was talking about.

I know I shouldn't have laughed at her at least not in her ear like that, but seriously even if I were kpanshing the man she's claiming, what was going to be accomplished in a conversation like that? She certainly didn't come across as menacing or someone to be feared with that hysterical squealing nonsense. I understand where she was coming from though, I have had my share of calling the other chick(s) but thankfully I have grown from that place. I had to realize that it's not about the other chick, its not about me either, the bobo clearly has issues and I had a decision to make, stay there and put up with the shit or pack my load and go. I wish I could say I packed my load each and every time, but I didn't. Anyways I feel bad for homegirl, but hopefully she realizes the bobo she's ready to dagger someone for will more than likely not do the same for her and he's going to keep kpanshing her for free until she realizes it and moves on. In the meantime she better not pick up the phone to dial me again.

A to Z

2007-09-11T01:41:00.000+01:00

I was visiting Nyemoni's blog and decided this meme was easier than an actual update, because they're some characters down here boy and I'm too pooped to even start.

Accent: Non-descript east coast American.
Booze: Mark and Coke
Chore I Hate: Dusting
Dogs/Cats: Dogs, cats are evil
Essential electronics: Ipod, laptop, DVR, blackberry
Favourite Perfume: Bulgari
Gold/Silver: Platinum is not an option? maka why?
Hometown: A-town. Anambra State
Insomnia: Not in a long while
Job title: Sales Trainer
Kids: None
Living arrangements: Temporary.
Most admired trait: Beautiful smile... wait that's not a trait is it.
Number of sexual partners: I stopped counting after it stopped being decent
Overnight hospital stays: When I was born
Phobia: Brokeaphobia, stupidophobia
Quote: "A mistake is only a mistake if you don't learn from it." - I don't know who
Religion: Christian.
Siblings: 4
Time I usually awake: 5:30am unfailingly, much to be accomplished in the day
Unusual talent: making people think i like them, when I could care less.
Vegetable I refuse to eat: Beets. Its not natural I say
Worst habit: Tapping my fingers on nearest surface when I feel others are slow, I know its annoying
X-rays: Yes, several. I was a high school athlete with non compliant bones
Yummy foods I make: Ekpan Nkukuo (probably misspelled since I'm not Efik) Mafe (drooling) and Nsala are my favorites
Zodiac sign: Gemini

I tag those who haven't updated in over a week and anyone else who feels like sharing

I miss the 80s - Bollywood Classics

2007-08-29T20:52:00.001+01:00

Today I miss my childhood, so I went searching online, I found these golden nuggets.

From Yaadon Ki Baaraat (1973)

From Dharam Veer (1977)

From Ye Vada Raha (1982)

From Disco Dancer (1982)

Who else remembers being glued to the TV watching these movies. Your mother knew if let you and your rugrat cousins watch one of these classics, she and her friends were guaranteed at least 2 hours of quiet time with her friends, or she could slip out of the house without you disturbing her to follow her wherever she was going. I remember wearing the hell out of these Betamax tapes, singing (as if we knew Hindi sef), dancing and recreating scenes from the movies. Ndi India try kwa.

On another note: I wonder what life would be without youtube.

There is a new breed of men

2007-08-20T19:39:00.000+01:00

Long post. sorry.

You know when you're growing up, you are taught certain things about what a man is supposed to be. Sometimes you are lucky enough to live in a household where the man (or men) embody all the positive characteristics that you are taught about men. Strong, protective, able bodied, fair, confident, kind, generous, loving, friendly. A real man. By the time you're in your mid to late teens, you have either had your first love and heartbreak, or watched enough movies to know "other" type of men exist. Asshole, anuofia, bastard, buffoon, callous, dumb (should I continue in alphabetic order or do you know the kinds I'm talking about). Sometimes the unlucky ones grew up in the households with these types and learned this lesson much earlier. But in all the types of men I had learned about and encountered in my life, good, bad or just there; they almost always had the same basic building blocks. Biologically they were the same, you know brain, penis, nuts, but also some characteristics were the same, as in some things were just the way a man was supposed to be and they were certain thing a man just wouldn't do. At least I thought so.

Anyways all this beating around the bush, let me tell you the new breed abi na sub species of men I have seen with my own two korokoro eyes o... Golddiggers. Homo diggerus sapiens!

Look at chart below please, I put work into it! (thanks wikipedia)
I mean I think I always knew these types existed, I mean you hear stories and lifetime does have those outlandish movies every other day. Perhaps even encountered them from afar (I hope) but never in my life had I had a face to face encounter with a real life male digger before. But recently (change of zip code is probably the largest contributing factor) I have been opportune to observe them in their habitat.

I was unfortunate/fortunate enough to be invited by a family friend to a casual barbeque, I spent the past few days getting paper cuts and sweaty from unpacking my stuff, so I was happy to go out and meet new people and reconnect with the few I know causally. Sha long story short, when I came in (I kept getting lost), she introduced me to the host and hostess and the people in the room. "This is Kpakpando Smith, she just moved here blah blah blah." It was a lukewarm reception inside... understandably so, the married couples had colonized/held hostage by their spouses inside so when I showed up sans spouse, ring and the intro didn't mention marital status, it was clear that I'd only be tolerated indoors, NOT welcome. So, Amoge walked me outside to introduce me there too. She introduced me to a sister of the hostess and left me alone to go back indoors.

Like worrahell, for the first few minutes I was just fielding questions from those standing/seated near me. "Oh i just moved here from there" "I like it ok, so far, so good" "no i'm not especially hungry, i'll get something in a bit" "yes I would, a coke will be fine" "yes it's my real hair" (bish, who asks that? and who answers honestly? Ka afo sa gi ebe a e no, ochicha!) Then almost as if the town crier had announced "fresh meat in the house, u berra hurry up" a swarm of guys abandoned their table full of empty bottles of Guinness, Heineken and assorted drinks, and surrounded where I was seated.

A few were friendly "Welcome to the city"
A few were forward "Behbi, e nma so nma, y'em number gi, k'am kpo gi"
A few were dull "So you name is kpakpando, that's nice"
A few tried to drum up business "here's my card in case you're looking for a house/car/lawyer"
A few were typical "Your face looks familiar..."

Then questions began in earnest... so what prompted you to move? my job what do you do for a living? Client Service. Do you like living here? so far, so good. What part of town do you live in? Over yonder for now. What do you do for fun? A little bit of everything. What are you doing tomorrow? Unpacking. Where did you go to school? You mean uni or where? Secondary school? Oh I went to that school in the middle of naija, but I finished high school here. Whoops and grumbling, umu bekee, umu America etc. So do you speak igbo? A na'm asuu asusu ndi'igbo ofuma. Really, that's impressive. Why? I'm igbo okwa ya? At that point, the unimpressed ones had gone back to their drinks or food, the non-igbo speakers splintered off and started complaining that why should this conversation be started again. The group had thinned out considerably with 4 or 5 guys I was now "holding court" with. But now, I noticed it was one guy in particular who was peppering me with the questions, nothing to write about in particular, not especially fine, or well dressed. Just regular. But it now started with, oh where in Igbo land are you from? Really that village, you people are too proud there, proud for nothing. Of course I educate him about my great village and insult theirs jokingly but not quite. At least your women can cook, I hope you can cook like them o. I can feed myself fine. So what did you say you did again? client service, basically I manage accounts and make sure everything is okay with them and possibly create new sale opportunities for the sales team, but basically keep their business with us. So how did you end up there, what did you study in school? I studied business, I used to work for one of their clients and moved to them. The questioner asks, so why didn't you get a marketable degree, something professional like nursing or pharmacy? that way you can be useful to your family. I studied what I was interested in, and what do you mean useful? The conversation stalled, but I know what he meant. The guy left and went to go eat more food.

I was left with two guys, one invited me to visit his church in case I was looking, and we carried on a normal conversation with an appropriate amount of mutual compliments. All great fun really. Later on, as Amoge was walking me out, something obviously clicked for the questioner. He cornered me at my car, as Amoge was walking back in. "Kpakpando, what's your last name again" (what the feck, not this shiat again) I never said, but it's Smith. You don't mean it!!! Are you Sir Him's daughter or Chief Him's daughter. My dad is chief him (rolling my eyes on the inside) Ah, that's your father, no wonder you can't cook, you must be very spoiled, your Dad is loaded! (i plaster on a fake smile and wonder when will this shiat end because he's not loaded at all it's just a name and reputation which have no nominal value) I remember he came to our school because he's an old boy, and sponsored 10 boys with one check... ah he's very rich, no wonder. So that means that when you go back to naija, you'll have it easy your daddy will set you and your husband up, not to be struggling. Anyways we really should get to know each other, you're the type of girl somebody like me needs in his life, instead of these other girls who will always be needing something from you, I need someone who can add to my life. He didn't notice my silence and blank facial expression. He continued on, even went on to say "ehen this is the kind of car somebody should be driving even, look it's the same color as my Infiniti sef " as he points to a similar colored Infiniti. Momofuku feckface, compared my machine to a Nissan in disguise! God dey sha! Needless to say he didn't get any of my information.

Amoge called me later, and asked me if it was okay to give him my information. Emphatic HELL NO! She laughed, she said don't mind him he's just looking for a woman to upgrade his lifestyle. That he discharged the last girlfriend he had, for financial reasons, that she wasn't making enough money to get the lifestyle he wanted. She was already brought up to speed by the hostess' sister, and she spent some time chuckling about my baptism by fire. So we spent some time and I asked her since when did men wait for marriage/relationships to add to their money, and she said in fact they're so many male diggers here, that I'm lucky I'm not in one of those professions where I get paid hourly because that will discourage most of them. Wonderful, so these are the state of affairs ehn? A fu go'm!

In no way am I saying that men should be looking for liabilities when seeking a partner, at all! I actually believe that both people should be bringing something to the table and neither of their primary motivations for being with each other should be how can this person increase the zeros in my bank account or how much more comfortable one's lifestyle can be made, especially not men.

Scent

2007-08-07T23:41:00.001+01:00

I love the smell of him in the morning, and at night. I love the smell of him so much I steal. His cologne and his shirts, some days when I'm thinking of him especially, I spray it at the nape of my hair, so I can be reminded of how he smells, and I sleep with his shirts... not on me, but on my pillow. I love how his scent lingers on me all day when we hug in the morning, because that occasional whiff i get during the day, gets me through the day with a smile. Like today, when I know he's on his way halfway across the world, back to his life; my pouting breaks into a brief smile when I smell him on me. I just love his scent. I can never be serious about a man whose scent doesn't intoxicate me quite like his does.

Sun, Moon & Stars

2007-08-03T16:16:00.000+01:00

I am in fake it until you make it mode right now, last night I had a mini panic attack about all that's going on. I realized I really have a long ass list of things to do, yet my clone won't produce herself to help me sort through the mess, lazy biatch! If I did have a clone, her name would be Onwa and if we had a boyfriend (see technically we would share one, since we would be the same person just split in two) his name would be Anwu. See the kind of crazy thoughts running through my mind? Who sits anywhere and comes up with shit like this. Anyways, so I'm stressed, abi is it scared... I'm something that possibly begins with an S though, but nobody around me has to know that I will just be shining my 32 and saying how excited I am to enter a new phase of my life... which isn't an outright lie, just a half truth.

I'm being stalked on the telephone by my own mother. She literally calls to check up on me like I moved to Shanghai, versus just a short drive down the road. Ok, so its actually a 2 hour plane ride, but I'm still in the same country for crying out loud. So every few hours into the wee hours of the morning she calls me with a new suggestion of something I should be worrying about, and she thinks she's helping me! I know I have the rest of my place to pack up and move down here or into storage if I ever hope to sell or rent the place. I still don't think the bright pink walls in my closet are that "harlot-ty" but I know I need to get it repainted to another color. Unfortunately I won't be calling aunty so and so who I never met before just because I moved into the city and they're from your town, are you kidding me mom, I'm grown! I just moved to a brand new city and technically I'm homeless, is it really necessary to get my opinion on the peach lace uniform my cousin picked for her Ikwa Nkwu in December? Honestly I wish my mom had a hobby.

I'm currently listening to:

I'm loving the 3 ladies (in bright ichafu) doing their own version of the two step with the occasional "break it down"

The opening shots of this kind of remind me of JayZ' "Big Pimping" video (sans jiggling asses sha)

I could be the mother of a 5yr old.

2007-07-27T21:18:00.000+01:00

Today. But I'm not.

If I had the chance to do it all over again, knowing the things I now know, I would make the same decision in the same circumstances. I was finishing up the first semester of my final year in college and I was dropping weight like water thought maybe I was over working myself, until the morning nausea woke me up. I don't throw up and i always cut out alcohol 6 weeks to finals so I could focus. I tried to figure out what could have made me sick, but for the past few weeks I only had a taste for one thing, grilled cheese sandwich with 3 slices of tomato. Then I knew I shouldn't have screwed him that last time right, the night we broke up. That loser we all date in college, the one you met there and the one you leave behind. I stopped at the pharmacy to pick up a pregnancy test between classes, and I almost forgot about the test when I finally made it home.

Peeing on a stick, I can't believe that's all it takes. I peed, before I could blink both lines showed up. I had to wash my face to make sure it was right... why didn't I just buy the two in one kit? The two stupid lines were there still. I picked up the phone book. Called him. What a waste of 2:41 minutes, he asked me "how did this happen?" and I hung up on him when he launched into a tirade. If I even flirted briefly with the idea of having a child with him at that point in time, that phone call jolted me back to reality. I called planned parenthood, they had a 4 week wait. I called the first provider on the list under a. It was after hours, only the third number I called picked up. A few questions and I was scheduled for an appointment the next day. I had to bring someone with me because I couldn't drive home and a major credit card. I called a car company and arranged my drop off and pick up, there was no way anybody could know, before they brought their self righteous bullshit and tried to make me change my mind. That wasn't part of my life plan.

They were surprised when I asked to see the ultrasound, when I asked the age of the fetus, when I selected local anesthesia only and when I brought out my credit card to pay. I guess most people change their minds when they see the heartbeat and know more details. They said most people wanted to be knocked out completely, my guess would be so that they could remove themselves from the experience. I didn't. I was aware of everything throughout the whole process and I wanted to be. In the "recovery room" there were some nurses/aides who tried to give me looks of pity and asked me how I was feeling. I felt fine. I was going over notes from accounting class for the last final of the semester, it was scheduled for 8am the next morning. I also fielded a call from my travel agent who finally got me a ticket home for Christmas. I completely forgot to book one in time and I had to fly out almost exactly 60 hours after the phone call. Except for the heavy flow of blood and unfamiliar surroundings, life continued on quite normally for me.

I opted not to fill the prescription for Vicodin, I was given because I didn't want to explain what kind of intense pain I had to my mom, who would invariably find it during the 3 weeks I'd spend in her house. So I overdosed on Advil instead and mixed the other capsules into my vitamin bottle. I took my final, shopped and over packed for Nigeria. I was too busy to feel sorry for myself or actually process anything other than finals or my trip. I was able to use the jet lag excuse to explain my extra sleeping for the first two days and when my mom asked how come I switched back to pads I told her I forgot to pack some tampons. She never liked me using tampons anyways, apparently only wild girls use them. I had a great time in Nigeria that Christmas, it was my last Christmas as a student so I lived it up because as soon as I got back to school I knew it was job search time.

I got back to a mild weathered January and I check my voice mail to find out that he called to discuss what we were going to do on January 3. Weeks after I moved on with life. I have no doubt in my mind that I made the right decision for myself, but not a week goes by that I don't think about who that child (I always thought it was a boy) could have become and today even with my busyness, I wonder.

Thanks be to God

2007-07-19T18:25:00.000+01:00

Ok, you guys are so lucky I don't know how to type Igbo correctly otherwise you'd be reading lyrics to some Igbo gospel right about now.

#1. I'm moving. I got the job with more challenges, more opportunities, more money, more vacation and a change of scenery which is definitely needed. I'm set to start mid august, so everything will happen in a whirlwind which is fine because I thrive in chaos, kinda. It was just this week that I realized how close in proximity I was to some demonic haters, but sha devil is a liar and he has failed again. So, my colleague Sarah who's just a feck up, for the past two years I've been cleaning up her messes and the ungrateful coke whore started throwing tantrums about my pending promotion. I'm not just calling her names o, at all! She's an outright cocaine addict, I mean I guess when she's a full time party girl she would need the happy dust to fuel her up. The agbaya no dey shame, at almost 30 she's still acting like this is her first taste of freedom. Anyways, she's been running around complaining that she's been with the company longer and she should have been recommended over me etc. Meanwhile this is the same chick who wasn't fired when her little sniffing problem came to light, but was referred to the EAP and given time off to get it together, and while she was having come to Jesus sessions, we had to handle her already shitty work load. If it had been my black ass with the same problem, they'd have sniffed my ass over to the unemployment line. So she's been raising hell and making people uncomfortable, well not me sha, I still smile in her face and hum happily, no idiot can steal this joy from me, even if she is blond.

#2. My car is finally paid off, sent my last payment through on Tuesday, took me exactly 29 months to hustle and pay the shege up. Financing is modern day slavery, I will not be putting on the shackles willingly anytime soon. Now, I can invest more in other things like shoes :)

#3. I thank God that I have eyes to appreciate his creatures, especially when they look like this.

Chukwu Dalu, e di nma!

Off course I have so much more that I'm thankful for, but right now these three are the top of my list. :)

Reloaded and other random thoughts

2007-07-13T09:04:00.000+01:00

I decided to change my template (again) am I an all around commitment-phobe? Common template can't keep my interest. The title change was appropriate since life has been very positive lately and I feel as though I'm in better control of things, unlike some months back when I started this shege.

I went a hunt last night for Nido powdered milk (do they sell Klim in the us?) so I could eat it straight from the can and have that half dry, half wet but super sweet texture in my mouth, like when i used to steal into the kitchen after bedtime and make Milo candies in my mouth, I always started with 2 spoonfuls of milk to one spoon of Milo. I didn't find any bloody Nido.

I really want a dog. This is a recurring "want" for me. I know the next few weeks I'll actually try to bring this to fruition. I'll do internet research and decide on the breed I want, contact reputable breeders, be floored at the amount they ask for, and even get a couple of pictures of puppies or past litters emailed to me. I'll fall in love with each and every one of them, and even come up with names (no BLACKIE for me o, every dog in Naija in the 80's was named Blackie, gosh i know there had to be more names available, I digress) then I'll finally be realistic and realize I don't have time for an animal right now and I love my furniture too much to let some animal come and tear it up for me.

I've been weave free for a week... I spent too much time in the water and the texture of the last one wasn't what I wanted it to be so I took it out upon my return home. Then while in my stylist's chair it occurred to me I wear weave too much, some people have never seen my real hair before and I've known them for a while. So there I told her that I would hold off on the hair she ordered for me and rock my own tresses for a while. I think my scalp misses direct contact with air sef... unfortunately the weave will be getting put back in soon.

Chertoff is about the biggest fool I've ever heard in my life and his head isn't shiny. Since when are "strong feelings" credible sources of information. Olodo! dem no born am well at all. Maybe if the US was focused on the culprits of 9/11 instead of bothering Saddam Hussein, Al-Quaeda wouldn't be back at full strength ha ne zuzuali.

An old jump off sent me a text... I haven't seen this dude in like 3 years and haven't talked to him in about 2 years... what the hell he want? Who gave him permission to contact me? anuofia can wait for my reply until he sweats blood.

30 seconds can seem so long

Toasted Coconut

2007-07-05T21:50:00.001+01:00

Ok, been back from the mini break I took with Dr. Pete to his medical conference. My eyes have been opened... there really all sorts of Nigerians in this here America, even the ones who think they're the Naija version of The Real Housewives of Orange County (that show ehn, na wa!) The main question I was being asked was when I intended on stopping work. The couldn't understand the words coming out my mouth, I don't see what's so unclear about, "i'm not getting married, and I quite enjoy th I mean I guess I really couldn't participate in the other conversations going on i.e. the upgraded mansion/house we're building, the new limited edited car, the ultra posh nursery school they scored admission into etc. Too much bekee in fact, so many backhanded compliments, I had to simmer my inner mgbeke down because people were asking for dirty slaps, fake upgraded totos. I was glad they were too coiffed to actually get in the pool and ruin my peaceful laps because aside from the room, that was about the only place I could escape these housewives gone wrong. To be fair there were some nice people there, and someone looked at my face and called my mother's name (apparently some old crush of hers from the late sixties, Obiageli must drop this gist the guy seemed eager to catch up with momsie again.) Aside from the extreme heat and humidity, it was a nice break to take. Why can't every week be a 2 day work week?

Well two really great things happened since I came back. The first is that Dr. Pete and I are on a "break" and the second is that I might be relocating. Yes, I'm a finalist for a higher position at our corporate HQ down south, and I didn't even apply for the position, the oga patapata of my division was given my name by regional folks and somebody took it upon themselves to sell me to him and that's why I'm here now. See how good God is? I really have been dissatisfied with these monkeys dem no born well in my office, who give me the workload of a higher position, the mid range pay of the higher position, but refuse to promote me because "it would ruffle feathers." I have been quietly interviewing with other companies, but they either offered the higher title with equal or less pay or offered the same title with equal pay. I mean I said I was looking for more challenge, but I specified within the role I was interviewing for, not a challenge with my finances, wtf are you offering lower than what I make, I mean are you mad? And at this point lateral moves won't pay off for me, so I declined the 4 offers I had gotten and prayed for hellfire to burn the idiots who put together those measly offers. God answered my prayers because my last nerve is being picked at by that anorexic cokehead colleague of mine Sarah; I should have an answer before the end of the month but I'm pretty sure I'll get it and I will be on the first thing smoking out of here.

The break I owe to my amazingly intuitive and sharp mouthed mother. Momsie came to town with Chichi and her family to spend some time here and look around before she goes back to naija next month, since her ~~extended vacation~~ omugwo is nearing an end, bros was in town (the village church rat is gone) and Junior came too on somebody's dime. So, on Saturday Ada and her husband decide to do an impromptu get together, and since they're a really really social couple the impromptu get together meant over 100 people showed up for the cookout. Why they call it that, I don't know, because most of the food there was cooked indoors... Anyways, my mom decided to wake up at 5am to cook, and decided that I (the only one who didn't sleep in Ada's house) would be her last minute grocery run assistant and general working jackass.

Naturally my phone started ringing at 5:10am on a SATURDAY. Nekwanu wickedness, what grocery store is open at that time in the morning ehn? So after I write the list down and read it back to her, I did what any normal person would do, I rolled back under the covers, only to get a call 8 mins later(when I finally drifted back to sleep, how does she know these things!!!) telling me that laziness was a sin and I needed to get on the road. There was truly no point trying to explain to the woman that stores weren't open yet, so I just got myself together and headed over to Ada's house empty handed where I was put to work rolling chinchin dough until 8am when I was sure the stores would be open. My mom had the usual commentary, except now she says I've lost too much weight... same one who called me fatty bom bom 7lbs ago, not serious, and she asked me to stay out of the sun that i'm now the color of toasted coconut, she even told me I dress too conservatively, that I cover up too much, what kind of complaints are these? The woman is not serious at all.

Anyways so food covered every surface of the kitchen by the time people started coming over, and people were just eating themselves into a food and liquor induced stupor, ha na ko nonsense. So Dr. Pete came over after he was done with work (bros is his friend and so is my law) and my mom took her time observing him, smiling and making small talk. She had to retire early and since most Nigerians/Africans here don't respect themselves and show up at 11PM to a cookout that started at 1PM, the crowd never thinned out enough to fully grill him properly. On Sunday morning, my mom asked me questions about him, and I said how nice he was to me and other things and she agreed that he was nice but there was something in his eyes she didn't like. Sha after church, Dr. Pete comes to meet my mom later in the evening, like she asked and she starts peppering him with questions, like why isn't he married at his age? how come he likes young girls like me? shouldn't he be trying to get married to someone closer to his age, does he think its appropriate/responsible/respectful to be taking women all around the country, that how many women does/did he do that with? (she really was okay with me going out of town with him, I think) I wish I knew how to type Igbo better, because she was just firing one bomb after the other, and the full effect gets lost in translation. The she asked him why does he like me/why is he interested in me. He gave some lame answer about how I bring him peace and I'm kind generic bullshit sha, so she said I can see you don't really know my daughter, and said didn't give birth to me so I can suffer in some man's house because he can't understand her. I know Dr. Pete was feeling ambushed because she really did do a 180degree turn from the night before, so needless to say he left shortly after their chat. I wasn't the least bit surprised when we spoke late Sunday night and early Monday morning and decided to take a break to evaluate things, but I think my mom's words implied I was crazy.

Whoooshaaaah

2007-06-29T21:57:00.000+01:00

I listened to a message about ridding yourself of toxic people because even if they don't attack you directly, their presence in your life blocks your blessings. The message said, sometimes we hold onto these relationships because of longevity, but we need to let it go because it's holding us back. I have to say this really reinforced me because recently I've just chosen to lose touch with some people who were just adding nothing to me... it too much emotional, physical, spiritual and financial effort to be friends or even friendly with them, the type of people who are never really positive. Always complaining about something or another, like chick are you the only one who works with people who don't recognize your worth? The ones whose moods swings are too erratic and unpredictable, biko, Mu wa n'onwe'm, I've had my bout with mental health issues, I don't need your undiagnosed bi-polar disorder to bring me down. The always needing/borrowing/taking folks who never have anything to add to you, only call you when they need info, want to borrow something or to inform you they've taken something from you, I already have the IRS to deplete me so why do I hold on to them. Or the ones who are just there... doing nothing, you call them friends but your common interests are now non-existent, they don't necessarily take away from you, but they most certainly don't add to you, they just take up space in your life, maka why? So I won't be making phone calls or effort in these relationships, I'll just let them all go. Whooooshaaaah.

As for all of you who chuckled at my new resolve... shebi Beyonce sent una? Tell her you did not see me o! It won't work sha, it's the 3rd morning that I've beaten the sun up and sweatily caressed an exercise ball. I said na do or die o. I've been staying in Dr. Pete's place this week, because a. he's not here and b. he has a home gym set up, so I have no excuses when I wake up in the morning, I just go down there and do my miles on the treadmill like a hamster and work it out in general. He thinks its somehow funny that I let things like that affect me, but I didn't hear him once tell me not to be running like someone is chasing me. Ewu! So I'll be joining him at some conference tonight, big whoop I'm sure I'll be spending most of it in the spa (is the hotel on the water?), why would I want to spend the entire weekend with a bunch of doctors? But he asked and I do want to get out of town to somewhere warmer. I think he's onto my shenanigans sha, that I don't necessarily claim or deny him outside his presence, ah well he'll be alright. Besides, I'm beginning to feel bad/guilty/annoyed about this situation because I just don't "connect with him and I'm connecting with someone else and talking to other person while at homie's house makes me feel bad for other person, not Dr. Pete. It's Friday and 5pm will meet me in the office *gasp* clearly I want to miss my flight.

New resolve

2007-06-27T21:48:00.000+01:00

This morning I turned back to the leaf I was 2 weeks ago. See 2 weeks ago I was hitting the gym religiously and still counting calories (well mentally) sworn off proper naija food and eating an apple for dinner. Its summer time and as much as I make mental comments about people in bathing suits, I wanted to get right... but last week I was lax. I slept in one too many mornings and got out of my butt crack of dawn gym routine. The gym is sterile as hell, and there's only so much cardio mix techno crap one can listen to abi? I only went for my yoga class. I mean it was harmless, the scale didn't change, my new jeans fit just as nicely as the week before... I already started my slippery descent to my winter weight.

That was until I saw that monster called Beyonce. Yes, o! in case you missed it or live in a more civilized country, the BET awards were on last night, and that heifer Beyonce decided to be a for real oppressor. Ok, so I laughed when I saw her in the glitterbox ~~mess~~ dress, yes the babe has shape, but so do I, so that one no pain me (and she could barely walk) Then her performance came. When she first showed up on stage in her cocoon, I was really thinking all that lacefront weave glue and hair bleach had finally gotten to her brain. Then she commot the thing and I saw her fecking abs. Bish.

Her outfit was tacky as hell, but dammit her body was on point. I was actually minding my own business, eating some yummy pad thai and I had to drop my fork, because clearly my abs won't get past a 2 pack if I keep eating this carb shit. I got down on my floor and started doing hundreds. Sha, I don't want to look like Beyonce, I mean who wants that much weave down their back? but damn she's my age she can't be oppressing me like that. So it's now 4pm and I've only consumed 620 calories and I'm craving some pounded yam and efo with ponmo, shrimp, goat, e ma go orishirishi. Kai this longathroat sef... e no go betta for her!

On a completely different note, while goofing off all day at work on google chat, I realized I have an addiction. The need to be physical with someone, not necessarily sex, just being touched... it explains the insomnia I sometimes (ok, alot of times) have when I sleep alone. maybe I wasn't hugged enough as a child, sad. I'll work on it.

This is only a rant.

2007-06-25T20:04:00.000+01:00

So this weekend, they found Jessie Davis' body and turns out her baby daddy killed her. Personally I wasn't surprised there's some statistic that said it'd be him. It's sad that she died and her baby too, and her son doesn't get his mother and her family doesn't get their sister/daughter/cousin/friend back, but I wonder why she dealt with his married ass in the first place...

Ok, so this morning was Monday and I had a slow start (not surprising if you know me) and I ended up staying in bed until the last possible minute because my body ACHED (went indoor rock climbing, see why you need oyibo friends in your life, naija people will be telling you to come chop and gist, the extent of social excursions please insert askoh and big rolling eyes here). Of course Jessie Davis dominated all the morning news shows, but I happened to be flipping through and saw that her father was giving an interview. I wanted to hear him because all through last week it was her mother and sister dealing with the media.

Then I listened to his interview and got disgusted and angry. I mean angry to the point that my ears started to turn red (yes I get flushed and turn red, shut up) and I couldn't stop my nostrils from flaring. The man pissed me the hell off. This asshole said the last time he saw his daughter was January 2006 and he intimated that that was the last time he spoke with her too. Apparently he and Jessie's mother got divorced last year and he hasn't kept in contact with any of his 7 children since he divorced his ex-wife. He said she sent him a Christmas present this past year and he brought it on the show. Jessie sent him a framed group picture of 6 of his 7 kids and his grandchild. Then as if to really piss me off, he breaks down crying and starts a gibberish rant of his memories of Jessie as a child. Oh I was pissed off to the highest levels of pisstivity.

So basically this guy had chosen to be out of his children's life and is now regretting the fact that for 18 months he didn't communicate with his own child, and now its too late. Then this momofuku has the nerve to be on national TV and when asked specific questions he really couldn't tell who his daughter was. What a complete ass. She reached out to you, but you were to self absorbed to reach back, now you're crying crocodile tears on TV. WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO BE GIVING INTERVIEWS AS A FATHER WHEN YOU'VE CHOSEN TO PLAY THE SPERM DONOR ROLE? I bet his ex-wife wants to slap the taste out of his mouth, Lord knows I wanted to. Ok, so my anger is misplaced but what the hell, he really pissed me off to the point that I had to go shower just to cool down.

Wierd Dreams

2007-06-21T23:10:00.000+01:00

I had a series of strange dreams last night... that I remember almost too vividly.

The first one I remember, I was just walking on a tarred walkway by a lake... not even power walking just leisure walking. It was pretty, birds were chirping, sun was warming my skin as the breeze from the water cooled me. There were obviously two people walking behind me, just talking and I was listening in and smiling. At times, I think they were addressing me because I would nod or shake my head as if answering their yes and no questions. I never turned around, so i have no idea who was behind me, but I kept walking to my destination.

I had a couple of little episode dreams too, just random short scenes. My lying on a field watching the sky, me putting bags in the trunk of a black shiny car, a former intern (lazy thing) bumping into me in a store, me in spin class with a mask (as in cosmetic product) on my face and watching the big pink splotches mixed with my sweat drop on the studio floor as I cycled. Nothing major until the last dream.

The strangest. I sitting propped up on my bed watching the Tonight show with a man and his wife in bed with me. She was lying down asleep, and he had his arm around me and was laughing. I was squeezing my face, and he asked "Are you still mad about her?" and I rolled my eyes (even in my dream, wonderful!) and hissed. He said ok, I'm sorry now, oya wait I'm coming. He then jumped out of bed, and carried her into the bathroom and locked her in there and came back and sat back next to me and gave me a kiss of my neck and I started giggling.

What kind of demonic shit is that? Why the hell would I be in bed with some married man and pouting until he got rid of her and then accept him back in my bed once she was tucked away? What kind of half-assed, retarded, settling for less, backwards nonsense is that? Is that what I was born for? To be a side ho? Tufiakwa! I woke up from that one this morning and immediately got on my knees to pray. Devil you're a bloody liar, e no go better for you, idiot, anuofia, ekwensu!

Sha the moral of the story is no more chinese food right before bed.

Laziness

2007-06-19T22:36:00.000+01:00

So commenting on blogs is way more fun that writing up in mine. Let's see, I went and met my celebrity crush, who actually turned out to be really cool as hell and fully embraced his naijaness, for some reason I just expected his personality to be slightly different. Anyhow we've exchanged a couple of emails since then, and no I don't want to be a baller's wife so we're just keeping it friendly... besides my current friend rides the oak and it'd be nice to have a friend who actually plays and gets a mention by commentators from time to time, even if they do mispronounce his name

Let's see what else... Dr. Pete spoke to momsie. More like momsie heard gist from Ada (apparently she wants to win some kind of amebo award) that Kpakpando is dating a nice doctor, but she's worried that he's a bit old for me, as per he's my brother's age. So momsie shook down Ada's husband for his number, and threatened him with bodily harm (I assume) if he mishandled her baby girl. Momsie also demanded that he come and show his face when Chichi and her fam come here for the 4th of July, and verbalize his intentions. Fecking A, he's so meant to be temporary. Even the sex kwanu that I waited for, was so not worth the wait... it wasn't bad just not worth it.

I still am unfulfilled with my job... yeah so that's not going to change but as long as they have my money on time, shoot.

Chris has asked me out a total of 6 times and I declined each time, thinking he'll feel slighted as all Igbo guys tend to sooner or later, but apparently he's either:

going for some kind of rejection record
truly doesn't understand what "no, i'm really not interested in pursuing anything further with you" means (such a waste of 3 ivy league degrees sha)
is being egged on by my cousin, his friend, who vehemently denies any part in it.

Attended a yoruba engagement ceremony finally, na so dem dey drop money for any and everything? Though it was hilarious to see my friend who has such big mouth prostrate fully on the ground for his wife... I have pictures now, so let him just even start his nonsensical chauvinistic crap and I'll start pulling up the shege.

Nonso is still a morafocking cock blocker. Not that I would ever date his friends, but I shouldn't be hearing about how people have been warned seriously from ever approaching me or even smiling at me, mkpali of the highest order.

Saw an old classmate of mine who got married sometimes last year (yes we live in the same city but you know how married women all of a sudden drop their truly single friends once the officially become Mrs. somebody, not that I don't understand it because some women are scandalous as hell but haba emi ke?) she told me she was 4months pregnant. So the question is WHY IS SHE STILL SKINNIER THAN ME????? Tchiuuuuu! (yes that's me hissing)

Oh yes, I met someone who inspires me to be a better person, I meant apart from my bebes (nephews and burriful foine ass neice), no one person has made me want to improve many aspects of my life, even my Igbo accent :p. No it's not my celebrity crush ( IheartUboo) or any other guy previously mentioned, just someone I met when I was out of town that makes me think.

That's it.
adanne are you happy now?

My weekend is popping, my weekend is cool!

2007-06-08T21:34:00.000+01:00

I hate that this song sticks in my head.

Ok, this shouldn't bring me as much joy as it does, but my cheeks will hurt from grinning.

The judge sent her ass back to jail...oh hell to the yes

More importantly, I just got confirmation that I am officially invited to my not-so-secret naija celebrity crush's party. An old college friend of mine who knows how long I've been lusting after this dude hooked me up completely... it pays to be nice to college athletes (not nice as in showing them and/or letting them into your vajayjay either, that's not being nice that's being a clueless whore!) The only thing is I got the notice too late and won't be able to go home to grab anything from my closet, but there's always great shopping in their city.

Askoh

2007-06-06T22:01:00.000+01:00

See I was going to put up an entry about how I spent the entire weekend with Nonso, helping him move and just realizing certain things about him, but then this nappy headed, orange streaked ekwensu of a heifer started her nonsense as if she is even up to my level. Sometime ndi oji piss me the hell off. So anyone who knows me, knows that in general I'm am sugary sweet and a nice person, and as part of that personality package I tend to be friendly to most people (except those who've crossed me, they get dagger eyes.) Part of my friendliness is greeting people no matter their position, age, race sexual orientation etc., as per my mother didn't raise me to be stank or rude. So there's a security guard who usually works in the morning and I think his name is Maurice; sha the dude is just another dude who does his job and is largely ignored by the assholes who work in the building. I always greet him and make small talk with him while I wait for the elevator, discussing the weather mostly and he always mentions how i have a pretty smile and I always say thank you and tell him to have a nice day.

So today again, I see him when I walk into my glass walled daily prison and I smile at him and say hello. He replies back, and smiles then drops his smile almost immediately. I didn't think anything of it, I mean he could have had gas for all I know. Then the elevator comes, and he gets on it, and that's when I noticed the trollop who was giving me one kind eye. I figured that she too must be having a bad day and it had nothing to do with me. Then I heard that junior heifer's conversation and finally tune in to realize na me she dey vex for and that one kind eye I saw earlier was for me.

She now said "uh huh, i saw you you smiling at her, why u not smiling now?" and I heard him say "oh lawd, why u gotta start?" I was mildly tickled and asked them what floor. She now has the nerve to roll her eyes at me and hiss. See me see trouble oh! She started muttering to herself how "women don't respek themselves and need to get their own man" (that's not a typo) and I was like is this heifer talking about me. I now look her well well, and the ghetto equivalent of village bushmeat is standing in front of me. Nekwanu hoodrat feeling funky! Upon her at best, plain and blemished face, cheap plastic looking weave, polyester clothes that looked like they were from forever 21 or some other random chain boutique (and not work appropriate), she thinks I want men that want her type? Abi she chop crase? I got off the elevator first and bid everyone a good day, as the door was closing I heard her hiss again. Can u just imagine? Askoh!

non sequitur

2007-05-30T22:22:00.000+01:00

WTF is wrong with me. I just want to crawl into his arms and sleep until about 4 in the morning and wake up to screw his brains out. My hormones must have changed me again.

I think I'm over him, but damn does he kiss well

I think my colleagues are dumb ass fuckfaces, I can't believe they have degrees, gosh they should all trip and fall

She's gay, she just doesn't know it yet. She's so smooth picking up chicks and fumbles picking up guys... probably because secretly she wants women. Ndidi methinks u are a lesbian

This chick has one more time to call my damn phone and I'm cussing her ass out like she's been asking for, what is unclear about not interested?

Who am I taking to Vegas with me?

Damn you springtime!!!! I'm horny.

Weekend update: Birthday and more

2007-05-29T22:20:00.000+01:00

Ok this was the best birthday EVER! I was indulged since Wednesday night, when I was sent to a hotel for the evening by Dr. Pete. Who apparently listens to me more intently that I thought, because we were driving past there once and I said I'd love to wake up in the legendary beds one of these days and that's why I ended up there in particular. Then my actual birthday I was woken up by room service (Deji's younger brother) who delivered a fried yam and egg stew with ghana bread for breakfast, what I'd been craving since I got back from Easter time. It was good too. Then I had spa treatments throughout the afternoon, so after hours of being rubbed and relaxed, I went to an early dinner with Dr. Pete (as per he had scheduling issues) I used to say I wasn't a "jewelry person" but apparently that was only because I was dealing with baby bling, because I love my newest baubles and he bought himself some more time with me because he said really sweet things about/to me amongst other good things. Ehn that's where this gist will stop because the rest is really nunya.

The highlight of my birthday celebrations was the surprise birthday party thrown by the committee of friends and the surprise guests on Friday night. Up until this year, I'd never had my own birthday party, it was always some joint party with a cousin/friend/sibling one or two months before or after my actual day, so this was perfect for me and I was truly surprised. I was given the day off on friday, my boss just didn't see any sense in me coming in... which was a good thing, because I was still giggling from the night before. So I convinced Amaka to play hooky too and shop with me. She had invited to some party later on that evening and I convinced myself I had nothing to wear and we indulged at the shops. Then she had to leave me to get my hair done and the plan was to meet up and drive in one car there (shit have you seen the price of gas!) Sha by the time I get home, she tells me that something came up, that she was already helping set up at the party that I should just come on later. That's how I almost missed my own party, i said let me just fashi and started to nap. Prince, my family friend called to wish me a happy birthday and said he was in the area and wanted to drop off my own present, which is almost always a nice chunk of cash. So he comes over and he's like oh yes there's a party tonight that I should throw on some jeans and lets roll. My people, thank God for vanity, if not I for don look like the help at my own party. So after 45mins of being told to hurry up, we finally are on the way to the place. We walk in and I'm greeting the few folks from around that I already knew and then I see Arinze's best friend and thought how random is it that he's in town, then in come my cousin and my friends ejiima holding a cake with the candles, they don't even live stateside and that's when everyone yells surprise and starts singing happy birthday. Naturally I burst into tears because I was overwhelmed at that moment.

Committee of friends sha have a sense of humor because the guest list included people I never would have put on the same list, like they wanted to expose my yansh or something. Arinze (yes!) Nonso and Dr. Pete were all at my party, all danced with me at my party and all kissed me goodnight. It was musical chairs all night long, but luckily I was the celebrant and therefore was allowed to be more social with everyone than usual. I came to a realization that I'm really too old to be juggling all these bobos and I need to settle down a bit; because if not for Amaka running interference for me all night I would have been caught up.

So Saturday was mo bo mo ya time on Saturday. I went to one wedding as a guest of Dr. Pete, fun times! Not really sha, I felt like I was being grilled the entire time because I fell into the "small girl" category at the wedding. Fecking hating ass heffas accosting me in the bathroom all unfriendly and shit, and how is it your business how I know Dr. Pete abi you're his wife? After the toast, I feigned exhaustion and after he dropped me off at home and I convinced him to go back to the wedding so those dried our piranhas could have a good go at him. I don't know if he did in fact go back there, but I decided to crash another wedding (shoot me I was just there to shake my bon bon, i didn't steal an invited guests seat or norrin abeg) I met this interesting guy who is built like a football player with the most burriful chocolate skin, but he lives out of town. Ended up at another wedding after party, where I partied until the sun was peeking out. Sha at the end of the weekend, one thing is for sure, my phone minutes usage will be much higher than usual because I have my first batch of the guys of summer.

Please will all ogbanje and mammy water possessed anons cease and desist from their demonic activities on the comment section, I really don't care who you have beef with, don't bring that nonsense here and if you would stop with the childish stalking online perhaps she wouldn't have had a chance to steal your man/puppy/best friend etc. or her life wouldn't be the cause of such envy from you. I have sprinkled holy water on the comment section so be warned.

Some more guidelines

2007-05-23T21:03:00.000+01:00

In lieu of a long ass weekend update (it was just another wedding weekend with the cutest mini couple) I'm giving some of my suggested guidelines, this time it' not about sex but it's about "toasting" me. Yes, I realize as my social calendar is swollen with summer activities and i'm being exposed to an inordinate amount of agberos, traders and bornfools, occasionally a decent enough guy comes along but not nearly often enough. So as pushed to do before, I am actually putting down the thoughts that run through my head while being accosted by these characters, in guideline form.

- Do not do the high school shat of sending your friend to test the grounds first, I mean aren't you a grown ass man? That just screams "bitch made" to me. If u like keep sending your friend first, when i now give him my number you'll cry blood. Man the hell up, grow some balls and introduce yourself by yourself.

- Do not toast me while drunk, tipsy, extra happy, inebriated, under the influence etc. Nna I'm sure you feel like you're the sexiest thing walking since drink several ounces of liquid courage, but don't come at
my with your sloppy sour breathed self e nu go! Back da feck up.

- Know your level. Literally. Look I know the world is filled will all these self help "you can have all you want in this world, just think positive" messages, but don't forget to be realistic. Omo levels dey. I'm usually between 5'8" - 5'11", if your the top of your head just barely reaches my shoulder, do not approach me to toast me... I'm sure you're nice and all, but my gene pool already has k leg with some random pinchomik sized uncles. I'm trying to remedy that so my children won't suffer, I'm sure u sef remember how you got teased in school.

- If your opening lines involve the kind of car you drive/money you make/ yacht you are in the process of buying, abeg vamoose from my front. I know that "i drive an escalade, I can make u comfortable" game works on other girls, but no be me. See chances are my car is hotter than yours, i make just as much money as (if not more than) you do, and i get seasick so the mention of even a rowboat gets me queasy; come again and come correct. U no fit buy me.

- As much I like sex and as open minded as I am about it, you cannot and will not inquire about my sexual preferences, favorite positions or how wet I can get, neither can you or should you share the size of your (probably little) dick, how long you last and the other pack of lies you spew, it's simply not polite conversation with a stranger you this agama lizard!

- Thou shalt not use any of the following tactics to "toast":
* Intimidation - I'm not a small girl, try that shit elsewhere if i no gree, i no gree.
* Threats/teasing about me getting older - nucca u too, fall back.
* False pretenses - don't make it seem like you really want to pick my brain about work and then expect me to get personal with you on the phone, state your case initially don't play

- Please don't toast me when you have a girlfriend or wife, especially not when she's at the same event, my mama did not born me for someone to insult me because of a man.

- Seriously, don't ask me if i can cook... that ish is annoying. Are you interviewing for housegirl abi na cook? I mean if you want some Adanma you'll be keeping in the kitchen, I can tell you where to go and source those ones, but I'm not one of them. Kpa cha kwa anya gi, just you mind yourself!

- Do not crowd my space and start behaving as though there's some ownership here... biko say your peace and bounce, let me do my thing. Don't just be hovering around me like I'm your property, I'm not. Just because I gave you my number, it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to give the next guy my number. And for goodness sakes don't walk out of the event and start dialing my phone, it screams "i am a stalker block my number now" to me.

This is obviously not an exhaustive list, but the ones that I had to put down in writing due to recent events because these mofos don't know how to act these days.

Tomorrow is my birthday, drink a bottle of something good on my behalf, I know I will :D

Feeling Lazy = Meme

2007-05-21T21:32:00.000+01:00

I was blowsing (i know it's not a real word) and came across this meme on just me's blog; the weekend was just too hectic for me to start recounting.

Where did you wake up this morning? in my bed finally

Who did u last receive a text from and what did it say? received from a guy who wants me to be his mistress... it said "u no wan settle me?" I could strangle my so called cousin for passing on my number

Whats been the most embarrassing moment of your life? Picking up his phone at 6am because i was so groggy and lost my bearings and it was his mother who immediately recognized my voice and asked what I was doing at her son's house so early in the morning... it could have been worse but my face flushed immediately.

When were u last naked in front of another person and who? Saturday, my friend Joy. She said my comfort level with my naked body made her uncomfortable.. But I need to air dry before getting dressed

What was the last lie u told? No, I haven't slept with anyone else

When was the last time u cried? Saturday at a wedding, twas so burriful

If u were invisible for a day, what would be the first thing u'll do? Start scaring some anuofias, i'd be using bulala to whip them until they confess their sins publicly

Whats the most expensive thing you've ever bought? My car.

I swear I hate him.

2007-05-16T00:45:00.000+01:00

How is it that my hard work these past few weeks can be so easily erased ehn? I've blocked emails, ignored phone calls, avoided the usual haunts, started a new hobby, in short gotten ample distractions in a bid to get Nonso out of my system. It was all working, I swear I must have been 48hours away (or less even) from receiving my certificate of achievement in this endeavour, I had actually forgotten what his face looked like that's how close I was. Then he shows up and all the hard work dissolved. Clearly he has a powerful dibia working for him, because only the devil fit cause this type of damage.

If you have never had a grown man on his knees begging you (and I'm not talking about the ones begging you to just let them put the head in) let me tell you it's a complete rush and one of the biggest strokes to one's ego. I came home early Sunday evening, hoping to just unwind and get ready for the next day. I was waiting for the chinese I ordered when I heard the knock on my door. I opened expecting to just sign and begin eat dinner by myself, but it was Nonso. I don't know why I didn't look through the peephole first, but I was caught off guard. And he gives me this pathetic "pity me" smile that makes him look so adorable (see devil o) and asks to come in and talk. I tried to tell him that I was busy with work, but he was already past me and sitting down.

He opens the conversation, with a good 5 minutes of apologies. Apologizes for how things went initially, for taking me for granted, for not being completely honest, for not giving me the space I asked for etc. In short everything I ever verbally complained to him about, he apologized for. the second phase of his monologue (he asked me not to interrupt because he had plenty to say) was that he missed me and I was killing him everytime he saw me or heard I was out with some other guy. (which begged the question, why he was still alive then?) Third phase was promising to do better, be everything, change, kiss my feet etc. if I'd just come back to him that now he wants an actual commitment, not just seeing where things go. The fourth and final phase was him begging on his knees (i am queen hear me roar) almost crying sef about how he "needs" me.

Wait is this the same alpha male, woman I am right go and bring me my soup, hard man, why u always want to talk about feelings, Nonso of yesteryear? Begging? On his knees ke? (funny he always liked me in that position) I mean I knew he liked me (and many others) but when did it reach this mad level? I know I should have asked him to get up, but I didn't because I was thoroughly enjoying this reversal of roles and I didn't quite know what to say. On the one hand, Nonso always likes to win, so this could just be him doing what it takes to get the balance of power back in his hand; but on the other hand, him on knees was a bit much abi? Maybe he meant it? My food came... why do I still order from china grill, they always feck up my order!

I told him I didn't know what to say, that I meant what I said en route to Lagos, I would be absolutely miserable if I stayed with him that I know and I want and deserve happiness and peace of mind, but his personality and penchant for multiple women wouldn't allow for that. I told him that I wanted much more than i thought he would ever be able to give me and we probably shouldn't explore this avenue again. "But I've changed, I realize. I can do better."

Well I've changed and I realized and can do better too. Before I used to think that if i just hung in there long enough he would pick me, if I just did more or gave more, complained less, forgave more he would reward me for my devotion to him with monogamy. Pathetic right? But as things/events happened and he finally let me walk away back in january, I realized the man is only devoted to himself and there would never be room for anyone else in his selfish existence. So I started cutting the one-sided emotional ties I had with him and saw him for what he truly was, "a great lay who wasn't that into me."

That bastard must have known I was almost completely over him and this time even the sex wouldn't keep me around, because he had me thinking for hours that night, remembering all the good things and times. I don't have many bad memories per se, just the waiting for him to sleep so I could go through his texts, notes, email and trying to figure out how to outshine the latest Becky, Edidiong, Tasha or Mirabel. The thing is in my head I know Nonso na devil's workshop, nothing dey there for me at all lai lai, the bobo will probably just troway me like used tissue in another few months; but every other part of me is trying to rebel and go back with him. That's why i entertained a conversation with him until 3am last night, and all day we've been exchanging emails as if I dont know better. I want to mean what I said, chei he's a bastard that I like again.

Weekend with the fam

2007-05-14T22:36:00.000+01:00

Happy Belated Mother's Day. Since momsie is Stateside we (Ada & I) decided to take the boys up to go visit grandma and have celebrate Mother's Day with all of her children and grandchildren. Ada's husband had to take a later flight, so I flew with her to help out with her ~~terrorists~~ sons, first thing saturday morning. My nephews are the best thing since sliced bread, but seriously that much energy and rambuctiousness so early on a saturday morning, especially when i tried to tell them aunty has a hang over! I went to some house party like this on friday with Dr. Pete (oh yes he's still in the picture, my birthday is about a week away now). The party itself was just a bunch of married women eyeing any single girl who came into the house, a bunch of akata girls who actively chase naija men (Monique and that damn Phat Girlz movie got them mixed up sha) and a good number of "dates" like myself. So you can see why I resorted to Incredible Hulks and Champagne. By the way, so not a good mix.

So my Al-Quaeda nephews are the two most adorable boys ever, there's Cho-cho... I call him that because o na cho cho cho... gimme gimme gimme. When he was younger the boy just wanted anything you had. Of course I can't call him this out loud, because his mother flicks my lips and abuses me verbally and ends her rants with back to sender. And the bomboy is Shadow, because wherever his brother goes he's there like a shadow. Ordinarily they're sugary syrupy sweet, but I don't know what was worrying their heads on saturday morning. It was all good oh, we got to the airport checked in and were waiting to be boarded. Then Ada scolded Shadow, that was the turning point that morning... because Shadow was not feeling the fact that his momsie scolding him. He gave her one eye like this, and I thought that would be the end of it, until they started boarding. Shadow ran away from his mother when she called him to board. He went running through the terminal chanting, "no no no." Of course twas I who had to go after the little renegade, headache and all. It's amazing how fast a little two yr old can run mehn.

We made it back to the gate and he absolutely refused to let him mother touch him, so she boarded with her first born and I had to coax the rugrat onto the plane with my precious toasted apple slices. Apili, o di too much. When we got in our seats, bomboy refused to sit in his momsie's lap because of the beef.. kai he can hold a grudge sha. So he had to sit on my lap eating my snacks, and Cho Cho joined in vaporzing my snacks. Then it was pulling my sunglasses of my face, and pulling my nose/lips, in fact just terrorizing me. Ada got to sleep throughout the entire flight and I was the semi-drunk one. Hisssss, e be like say I no go fly with them come christmas time.

We got to Ada's house and it was grandma time, my mom didn't even look at us "adults." She was just enjoyment, that's when I got to nap and lazy about. Amarachi is a notoriously quiet baby, she literally doesn't cry. My mom announces this so pridefully, as though she taught the baby, but Cho-cho wanted to carry her, he kept saying she's my baby (Ada is that the sign you needed from God to have another baby?) Well Saturday night my momsie finally gave me face time and she was just soooooo sweet. Almost too sweet, like she had something up her sleeve. But since I inherited her mood extremes, I know she's just really happy to see us all. I got to do sleep in my mother's bed... which is literally one of the few things in this life that I actually crave/love/want? Maybe because I never got to do it much as a child, but I love laying in my mother's arm and she sings igbo gospel songs until I fall asleep. Best way to fall asleep ever.

Mother's Day was cool. Woke up to the smell of burning something. Chichi's husband decided to make breakfast for all the "mother's' in his house... except he forgot that the only thing he really can cook is boiled water (blame Chichi she actually untrained him). So when momsie and I woke up to the unappetizing smell, I had to come help his pathetic non cooking self in the kitchen. Why he insists on pancakes from scratch is beyond me, you can buy them frozen in the store and come home and dust with powdered sugar for homemade effect. Yes that's my recipe for homemade breakfast... along with brown and serves sausages; if you like dey overdo with measuring out cups of flour that's your business.

Church was cool, lunch afterwards cool too. Btw... Chichi bukwa chick o. Her diet exercise regimen, though crazy to me, is working/has worked for her. I mean fine she's picking flattering outfits, but she only obvious thing(other than Amarachi herself) that lets us know she just had a baby is her damn boobs. I bow for the girl, she no dey gree. I didn't fly back with the little ones, they're coming back tomorrow, but I came home and Nonso almost has me reconsidering with his thoughtfulness. But as long as I keep reminding me, Nonso=Satan's Intern, I'll be good.

Reason, Season or Lifetime

2007-05-10T23:30:00.000+01:00

I got this as an email forward, and ordinarily I delete these stupid shits that clog up my inbox, but for whatever reason I opened this one today and decided to share. I also deleted the irritating part at the end that says if you love me then i'll get this back from you and if you send it to x amount of people somehow you'll win the lottery or meet your one true love/soul mate, face it that ish is not going to happen if you're sitting on your ass reading this. Sha enjoy

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfille their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Weekend Part 2.

2007-05-09T21:55:00.000+01:00

Anyways, I got ready for the bachelor’s eve and waited for my hotel roomie who was driving in from the next state. She’s an old friend from the brief stint I did in boarding house. That’s how we all (Roomie, Cousin & I) knew the couple, from school days, so the wedding was going to be a mini reunion of sorts too. My hotel roomie finally gets there around 10 and even though we talk pretty consistently, we haven’t seen each other in a good 2 years or so. When she comes into the room, she is shocked at what she sees. She notices how much weight I’ve lost and how much more put together I look. I told her, biko as for the weight, it’s just stress. Stress my foot, please the truth is for the past month at least, I’ve been waking up at 4:30 to get to the gym and I don’t think I’ve eaten anything bigger than my fist for the same time period, but my story is stress and I’m sticking to it, after all little sleep and eating like a bird is stressful. After some more hailing and hugging, she readies up and we’re on our way out. We get to the bachelor’s eve, which was at some restaurant/club. I had every intent of mingling with both sexes but I kept running into former classmates and people I knew from way back when. Everyone exchanging stories and saying how fabulous life was, even though on some level we all knew we were blowing smoke up each other asses. So aside from a couple of pieces of eye candy here and there (usually with some dagger eyes woman sticking to their side) the party was nothing to talk about.

Next morning, I’m awoken by the loud shrill of the hotel telephone, why are they all loud? It’s my cousin and his now fiancée, calling about their engagement. I’m truly excited for them, but 9am when they knew the rest of us didn’t get to bed until earlier that morning? Then I got that twinge of jealousy/feeling of inadequacy followed by guilt, even though I am deliriously happy for them WTF about me jare? All those feelings so early in the morning, got me in the mood for some pancakes and liquor. I called room service and broke open the wet bar, I then started dialing my family to break the good news to them like I was asked to. Ada got cut off from the phone, I swear she knows how to work a damn sore nerve, Chichi was out and about already, spoke to momsie, who grumbled about having to call cousin’s mom to congratulate her since she doesn’t like her and never actually has. The feeling is mutual sha, I remember many Christmas’ in the villa and us kids watching the drama unfold between our mothers. Luckily, I was at a wedding and didn’t have to entertain the conversation for long.

The couple has a whole bunch of events planned for the weekend, mehn weddings have been stepped up more than a notch this season. They were doing oyibo style wedding, the guys were all invited for a golf outing and the girls were invited to a pre-wedding spa brunch. The bride’s mom rented the penthouse suite in the hotel to host about 30 of the bride’s close friends/acquantainces/enemies/oppressees to a nice brunch, complete with cucumber sandwiches and crudités. The photographer was on hand to watch all of us fawn over the bride as her mom and aunt gave her nuggets of wisdom. It was really nice to get a complimentary pedicure, though I swear I could hear the minds of several people around me saying “ehn me too I go do this when my time comes.” We were still there when the groom sent the bride a letter and gift. Sweet like sugar, I swear I’m not hating lai lai. The estrogen session was over when the makeup artists and stylists arrived with their artillery to beat the face of the bride, her mom and attendants. It was like a small beauty army, and us minions scampered back to our rooms to start our own process, lest we look like misplaced househelps at the event, because clearly the bride was serving up her A game. Bish!

Nobody cares about the church ceremony, so all I can say is that the bride’s dad cried as he gave his first and only daughter away but we all used the time to scope each other out and hand out compliments (heartfelt or not). The reception was wow. You can see they clearly spent too much money for every detail. Not only was there a seating plan, but it was complete with escort cards and a little favor box with a personalized note for each guest thanking them for sharing the day with them basically and recounting how they knew each guest. That aspect alone must’ve taken a good month to organize and execute. It was really too much. I was seated at a table with some people that I knew and some I didn’t know all that well, but trust, the whole wow factor of the event caused us to bond real fast. All in all it was all fun times, got to see some people that I haven’t seen since I was a small junior girl.

I had a great weekend, until Monday morning, when my cousin, told me that Chris was interested in me too. Too? Does that not imply that there was interest on my part first? I knew I should have just boned him in the airport mehn, now look at mkpali.

Weekend Wedding Update

2007-05-08T23:17:00.000+01:00

Yes I’m still recouping from the weekend, traveling is no joke. May God punish Osama for this no liquids on flight thing, haba before I used to stuff everything in my little overnighter for weekend trips and hustle off the plane and be one of the first in line at Hertz. Now with this checked in luggage crap, I actually have to wait in line, as if I don’t places to go and people to see, e no go better for these terrorists I swear.

I went out of town for the first of what will be a long summer of wedding related events. I forgot to start acting sick early enough last week, so I couldn’t very well call in sick on Friday morning like usual, so instead I had to take a “late lunch” to sneak out of the office and redo my manicure to get to the airport in more than enough time for my flight. See late lunches on Fridays here (probably like your place of employment) is basically code for saying: eff you management, so you people can never come back after your own early lunch and you have seen jackey to work for you ehn? I kukuma got my check now, kiss my ass until Monday bishes! So I did my last minute thing, changed into a travel appropriate outfit, you really never know who you’re going to meet on a plane/airport so I try to stay away from the jeans and a t-shirt even though its probably the most comfortable thing to travel in.

Everything was going smooth until that damn security line, somehow I got stuck behind a whole bunch of boughetto (remember that song) retards who must have been living under a very big rock for the past year and didn’t realize that no liquid meant no liquids. I wish I could actually recount the ignorance I heard while standing in line behind the mugus, one girl with one purple track in her head tried to curse out the TSA agent for “touching her shit” that “ he cain’t afford that bag or that shit he’s trying to steal.” (Insert WTF face here please) The bag she was talking about was one of those obvious knock off LV Speedy bags, with orange leather and tarnished silver hardware, the way the monograms were even set on the bag you could tell it was a Lewis Vitto and not the real thing. The guy just redirected them back to the counter to check in their luggage, and they walked off cussing and fussing. So the ochicha and her family had successfully pissed off the TSA officer who was about to look over my bag. The guy now obviously wasn’t feeling black women after the tirade he was just a victim of, and here I am all ziplocked and ready. Lucky me, the man wan take out his aggression on my makeup remover and perfume… as if na me send that previous ogbanje to him. But seeing agitated white man, I just decided to zip it wait for them to give me back my quart bag… na so they pull me out for additional screening. Aint that about a bitch! I said whatever I had a good 45 mins to spare before my flight.

The woman who was going to scan me was about the slowest moving sack of garri I ever did see. She take a full 15mins to scan me and release me, as if a Naija girl like me would waste money investing in a weave and proper clothing to come and blow up a plane. Hisss! My gate is all the way at the end of the terminal, no shaking. I’d have to scrap my pre-flight margarita at the airport TGIF and stroll semi-leisurely to the gate, because fast pace walking would have my hair sweating, and I can’t afford to have my hair nap up not the day before an event, not on my way to a city that I don’t have a good stylist’s number either. But I looked at the time, boarding was to have just started, I have to step it up to a slow trot, in these kitten heels, which are comfortable but not meant for anything more than a stroll. I’m there dodging these blind bats who would otherwise have walked into me, trying to make it to my gate, because I hate just missing a flight and when I get there, my flight was delayed by an hour, the plane that was meant to take us there had still not arrived. Why was the stupid board I checked 20 minutes ago not updated with this info? So by this time I need the damn drink abi, and my cousin’s former Naija classmate (who works for my company as well) calls my name. Why do I keep forgetting he lives in my city/works in my building etc.? Ah yes because he’s facially challenged! Off course he’s heading the same place I am, we all know the same group of people somehow, some way. He’s making small talk with me, and I guess upon all his degrees he can’t read simple body language, I was fecking irritated, hot and in need of a drink! So while he’s asking me about some work related crap and I just interrupt him and ask him if he wants to grab a drink with me. Did I know he would take it to mean something else? Hell No! Otherwise I would have gladly schlepped solo back to Fridays and drank by my damn self. But no the shege came to bite me in my ass throughout the weekend and yesterday. Another story for another day, but note to you socially inept men out there… if I ask you to tag along, please don’t view it as me somehow professing my love for you especially when you’re ugly.

Anyways after we had a couple of drinks, I brought out my money to pay for mine and he said he got me… I kukuma let him, I know how much more he gets paid so pssh let me keep my kudi to myself jo. But the plane ride was fine, I nodded off listening to my plane mix of chante moore and sade, the margaritas had their desired effect. Of course as soon as the plane landed I played my “weekend away parry anthem” Montell Jordan’s “This is how we do it” all the way to the gate. *note to self, got to update your parry anthem song bikonu* So, we get off the plane, and homie, let’s call him Chris, is walking with me to the baggage claim area…useless small talk.

Him: Oh where you staying

Me: the hotel

Him: oh yeah me too

Me: dead silence.

I promise I wasn’t trying to be mean, but the dude was totally fecking with my pre-buzz. Sha my luggage comes, and he offers to carry it to the car rental counter for me. Am I supposed to argue with someone offering to help me? So I get my car, he get his. We get to the hotel, him before me so I walk into the lobby and he’s heading up. Luckily my cousin (our mutual connection) is in the lobby waiting, since he heard I should be there any minute now. Yaaay for once Kpakpando’s extended family is useful. He ushers me to the side and dismisses his boy Chris, talking about “family business.” I’m checking in and I can tell my cousin is extra excited, except that’s not out of the ordinary because he tends to be goofy as hell. So I check in, he’s walking me to my room. Then when we finally get into my room, I ask him wtf is up, because I’m seeing more of his 32’s than I should. Then he blurts out something, and all I could make out was that he planned on proposing to his girlfriend but he wasn’t sure how when where. Yaaay my cousin taking the plunge, I’m really excited because I lurrrrve his girlfriend they’ve only been together since like forever, so it’s about damn time. He says he’s been carrying the ring around for a few weeks and he doesn’t know how to propose. I told him whatever you do, don’t do it at a wedding, that’s shine stealing. Off course, as if I hadn’t calculated this fact mentally, he now reminds me that technically since Bros wasn’t being factored anymore, that I’m next in line in the family. If you see the way I eyed him ehn, you’d understand why he vamoosed so quickly.

I'll post the rest later, I'm tired.

Makes me Wonder

2007-05-04T00:01:00.000+01:00

Adam Levine is one gbenshable oyibo bobo sha. So my second favorite boy band (NSYNC come back) is releasing their second album in about six more weeks and I love all the tracks I've heard so far. The first few times I heard the song/saw the video, I was too busy dancing and fantasizing about having Adam's babies to pay attention to the lyrics. So now a month later, I actually listened and I wonder if he's talking about/to Jessica Simpson.

shortened for specificity

2007-05-02T03:14:00.000+01:00

Dearest Angel,

You only pay attention when things are bulleted and indented, so here goes.

You are married, I'm allergic.
I am not the only woman you've ever truly loved, those words won't off my panties.
You only wanted to screw me but wanted to marry my cousin who was with me that one time, screw you!
You screwed her sister though, neither of you are slick.
Friends don't do foul shit like this, we're associates.
I actually appreciate you for the unrestrainable whore you are.
Your ex-girlfriend is pregnant now, its definitely yours. Does your wife know?
Your dick will fall off.
I still won't be catholic, get over it.
We have no business together, lose my numbers.

Thank you. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

2007-04-30T22:10:00.000+01:00

Fun family weekend. Went to visit Chichi and Amarachi (who looks like a doll baby) and momsie. Naturally my in-law's mother was there too along with his younger sister, since they both live in the area. His mother was so excited to have her first real grandchild, apparently her first daughter's kids don't count as much as her son's children, wonderful patriarchal culture! So in short, I had to wait a loooooong time before I could carry Amarachi, this is after his mother made me cut my nails, and momsie made me tie scarf... I swear if either of them could find Dettol, they'd have soaked all of us in it, before they let anyone else touch her. But it was fun, just the two grandmas going back and forth about the same things; hospitals these days want to kill their daughters discharging them so quickly/Amarachi is so beautiful she looks like (insert older female relative here who is long dead with no accessible pictures for proof)/us greedy people should stop eating Chichi's nsala.

Sha Chichi was happy to have a house full of people, because that means she didn't lift a finger, except to breastfeed... which I have to say looks like raw hell! Kudos to all the momsies out there who sacrificed their nipples for their children's benefit. Chichi is happy to breastfeed sha, since she read it helps her burn an additional 500 calories a day. She had her husband move her treadmill to her side of the bedroom, and has been walking since she got back from the hospital. She is determined to do like Hollywood women and not look like somebody's mother. I mean the one time she gets a good excuse to carry some extra and she's working doubletime to not. Hisssssss. It's not like we're one of those naturally stick thin people either, but the chick is not playing. The two days I was there she walked at least 10 miles, and the only reason she didn't continue on was because her mother in law scolded her. She's even on a diet too! So while we're all cooking all sorts, for the well wishers who stopped by, she's there managing her grilled chicken salad like some oyibo person. Look diet or no diet, I'm not the type to turn down ukwa or ofe ora, lai lai the diet will just have to wait till I chop belleful.

On another note, her husband is upgrading her car to the damn 2007 M class and bought her some shiny diamond jewelry as a thank you for their first child. It had me wondering if it's incestuous to date his brother?

It's here, are you ready?

2007-04-26T02:28:00.000+01:00

Yes o, it is upon us all! Look at your calendar, don't you see the date?

Yes the reason you decided to go back on that your diet after valentine's day, when u received official notification in the mail. The reason you have been scouring shop upon shop for the latest.
Don't come and lie here, you too have been sending links back and forth to your friends, discussing, making plans to oppress and mingle. Shoot it's even the reason you've been stalking air tran for tickets and contemplating using the miles you've been saving up for the past year plus. Don't act like you don't know that this weekend is the official beginning of naija wedding season, at least here stateside. From May to September, all the happy couples will finally be tying the knots and will be inviting frinds and family like you and me to witness the event(s).

You started getting the save the date cards/magnets/keychains sometime in early March. In fact the day you got it you had been planning how you were going to demolish some pounded yam and vegetable soup, but when you opened that damn envelope you decided to immediately go back on the diet you started and ended on January1, 2007; so it was salad for you that night. The goat grass trying to pass itself off as a full meal didn't do much for you, and you were about to order some pizza because it was simply too late to cook, but you decided to visit the URL. The wedding website! O GINI OPRESSION 101 don start oh! Those look like professional engagement pictures! Quick scan over the content, lets see who is in her bridal party... then you see her, that your nemesis from SS1. The heifer even had the nerve to look good in the picture. That's it, no more pizza for you, it's only water and air for the next 90- 120 days until the wedding.

Your resolve only gets stronger when you see the bestman is that guy from that reunion in Houston the one you did too much shakara for, but still think he's not a bad catch. Besides isn't he an AVP now for Accenture or was it PWC? Yes o, one must to look sexy come that Saturday in May/June/July/August. Wait o! Isn't the bride's cousin that your ex boyfriend, the one you broke up with because you found out he really wasn't serious about settling down and was exploring all of his options, including Halima, Chinwe, Ime, Bola, Talisha, Heather and the rest of the female populace on planet earth? Dammit! How many days to this wedding again? Not to worry, you must show him. When he sees how fly you are, in fact he will drop to his knees there and then and beg for forgiveness because he has finally seen the light. But off course you won't even pay him any mind because you will happen to be seated next to Prince charming. In fact you'll hit it off so famously and he'll be everything you're looking for. Good looking, tall, correct britico accent, right career path, loves to rub your feet, speaks perfect Igbo and not only is he open to eating sushi, but he can tell you where to find the good stuff in the city, yes you'll be sitting next to the quintessential Naija hetreosexual metrosexual, all will be well in the world then, and that other fool will commit suicide because he missed. Just as well though because upon all his ashawoness his dick was tiny and nonfunctional anyways, you were just managing back then.

The thoughts of Mr. Perfect lulled you to sleep, and just like that you found your one lasting motivation to eat right and exercise, at least until September. The next day, even though you have this looming deadline at work, the main thing on your agenda is getting a game plan. This wedding season you’re 25/26/27/28/29 and still single! Mbanu! You’re going to play your cards right, so that you can be doing your own Igba Nkwu this December sef… oh yes that next relationship will sure as hell be fast tracked, you can’t let 30 meet you in this marital status. That one is a lie from the devil, Tufiakwa! You bind that one oh, its is not your own portion! Back to sender in Jesus name. So for your game plan, you schedule an IM conference for 10:30am EST. It’s so early so your best friend in London will be able to participate too. You send your co-planners the wedding website link, and then it begins.

Sample IM conversation

Love in Tokyo: “Ehn, so this small girl will marry before me? Really I need to have another sit down with Ifeanyi, see how my juniors are passing me by. It’s been a whole 6 years now ”

Hater3000: “Don’t mind her jare! Useless girl she was always fast even back when she was in school, always eyeing everyone else’s bobo. How won’t she marry soon, that husband snatcher! She probably get belle sef ”

Kpakpando: “Did you see where the reception is? The Ritz Carlton! Na who beg them bikonu?

Love in Tokyo: I si gini? Ritz ke? Nne, I must be there, Naija people sef! I’m sure my own save the date card is already in the mail. Maybe I’ll meet some betta somebody and can finally dump this yeye Ifeanyi.

Hater3000: Why are they wasting money on Ritz? Will they even have better food there? I mean I don’t want to be eating bruschetta and shit, they berra be planning for correct party rice with moin-moin and fried goat meat.

Kpakpando: Abeg Hater, stop discussing food, what is your own sef, you don’t know I’m on a diet, hissss

Hater3000: Sorry o jare, have u tried the cabbage and peppersoup diet… I did it last year before we met in Naija.

Kpakpando: really, that’s why you were looking so slim abi?

Hater3000: I mean once you get past the diarrhea and hiccups, the weight starts to drop like that

Kpakpando: Abeg beauty na sacrifice, send me the details on email so I can print it out. What do you guys think of this dress ? Shebi that shade will go good with gold shoes?

Love in Tokyo: Kpakpie baby! E bia kwa! Nne this dress is too hot. Shebi Chris is the bride’s cousin, I’m sure he’ll be there. If he sees you in this dress ehn in fact E bu too mush. I gatsto be there, let me email HR and request that full week off, brb

Hater3000: Yes o, so I see you’re fighting fire with fire, that dress will be good with gold shoes, and that gold clutch you got on sale when you were visiting me too abi.

Kpakpando: Yes now, before nko?

Hater3000: Did you see their “Our story section?” The part where they said they met in church? That one na lie o jare. It was at the reunion in Miami oh, she was one of those girls in that room that ended up on that tape remember? Church ko, fellowship ni… people too dey lie sef!

Love in Tokyo: It’s true o, Ifeanyi was telling me…

The conversation continues the entire day, enough time for hater3000 to leave her office in London after work, take the one hour commute back home and log in from there. No work is accomplished in the office that day. Everything is dissected on the wedding website, from selection of bridal party to detailed commentary on the photos from the traditional marriage. After your online pow-wow, and a full wasted day in the office, you hit the gym. Turns out the dress you want only comes in a size 4, and you’re currently a full 12, so you got some work to do. Chineke me gi ebele, but you must rock this and all the other 12 weddings your invited to this summer.

So the past 6- 12 weeks you’ve been prepping for Naija wedding season, made it to a size 8, so you had to do a wardrobe change, but you’ll still look good. Turns out that Love in Tokyo wasn’t invited to the wedding in the discussion, after all her Ifeanyi was the bride’s boyfriend back in school. Did that stop her from buying a plane ticket to go to the wedding? Of course not! It’s mo gbo mo ya time abi? So she’ll be there and the heifer show up with the dress you sent on IM that time.

Wedding season is here, are you ready?

Aunty Kpakpa

2007-04-24T23:07:00.000+01:00

I have a neice! Chichi finally gave birth this morning, her labor started yesterday... she didn't fully dilate until the sun decided to come up again this morning. She didn't want them to give her drugs, she was doing power mike that she can do natural birth, e yo! She was fully drugged when I talked to her today, stubborn girl. Meanwhile, the proud daddy has already created 2 photo albums full of pictures and keeps sending them to my damn phone. I mean I get the excitement, but haba hourly update is hardly necessary.I really hate those ugly teal and fuschia stripped hats they issue at the hospital. I think she'll be cute once her face shows, now well she looks like she has been living in water for the past almost 10 months. Momsie is already on her way, she no dey waste time at alll. I think the woman lives for omugwo. Its her first grandaughter, so I should allow her abi? Won't be surprised if she brings little ankara outfits for the bebe, and have her own matchy matchy outfit too. Me sef been browsing the internet, little girls are so much more fun to dress :)

Letter to my Father

2007-04-23T21:20:00.000+01:00

Dear Daddy,

It's funny that I still call you that. I have no idea what a daddy actually is. I mean, I know you are my father though sperm donor seems to be the role you chose for yourself. Yes, you contributed 50% of my DNA, that is evident because my eyes have the exact same slant as yours and the same silly americans who questioned you in your youth about your asian heritage now question me about mine. I have the exact same complexion as you, diluted coffee is more appropriate but I call it caramel because that's just a sexier description. My natural hair color even has that reddish glow to it like yours, though these days nobody can tell because well I have a great colorist who gave me chocolate brown hair and the complementary gold streaks and you refuse to embrace your greys by using whatever box color kit to give you that unnatural ashen black hair. I am an observer, much like you; I'm a great conversationist and can be quite a charmer. Daddy, I have the same quick wit as you. I attribute many of these traits to my mom all the time, but everyone tells me "thats just like your daddy" so they might be on to something, I wouldn't know.

I know you might even be surprised about many of the things I know about you, because you certainly didn't share them with me, nor were you around for me to observe them for myself. Much of what I know of you is through the stories of other people, Bros, Ada, Uncle Bede and Frank. You should hear when your oldest children and your youngest brothers talk about you, you'd be proud. I used to be too but now I know better. These days I put on fake knowing smile, when I run into your friends and associates at all the events I am invariably forced to attend, because we have the same last name. They say oh Kpakpando your father was the nicest prefect we had, he was the most intelligent classmate, the kindest god parent to my children etc. I mean its always all superlatives and I smile and nod, outwardly agreeing with them but on the inside I have no idea who they are speaking so highly of. After all the man they describe is nobody I know. It annoys me to high heavens when people, caution my public behavior, because I need to remember who I am representing at all times, they say that I come from a great family and my father is a living legend. Do I really? Are you really?

I guess the one thing I do have to thank you for is your public legacy, at the end of the day, you are leaving me with a great last name and a good image; most bastard fathers don't even leave that for their children. Daalu so nna anyi. Thank you for never publicly sharing the abusive alcoholic you showed us back in the day when we lived in the GRA; what? you never hit us? I know that, but everytime you touched her, you left a mark on my mind; everytime you raised your voice in unkind words to her, I swallowed that bile too. Thank you for publicly being generous and sponsoring so many other children's school fees and feeding other families. I mean never mind that you left our own school fees up to my mother even though you refused her actually utilizing her degrees while she remained with you. Everyone knows you as that go to guy when in a financial bind, everyone except the ones your chose and the ones you helped create. Thank you for being the peacemaking uncle, the "cool and understanding" uncle. Ah do you know all of my cousins from both sides call you their favorite uncle? Yes even some of my childhood friends make it a point to pay their respects to you, even before they greet their own family elders. This fact must make you beam with pride, because you have a great memory and can ask them about that last job interview they told your about 6 months ago, or the name of the small girl they were crushing on back in 2001. One question though, can you repeat even the same amount of information for any one of your 5 legal children? I swear the only reason you even remember where I work is because you got your hands on my business card.

I am tired of being accused of freezing you out and not keeping up communication with you these days. Please, pray tell what exactly do we have in common? Those days when I would make an effort to walk to the post office to by those blue airmail letters and write you letters, did you ever try to reply? What about you calling? The phone number in that house never changed, did you take it upon yourself to give us a call? Even on my birthday? So please tell me why you expect me to be your best friend now? Because you gave your sperm some 26 years ago and now send birthday card with cash tucked in at least 2 weeks late? You get mad when you hear from other sources first that your child is in the country, but what entitles you to getting a copy of my itinerary? Because we share the same last name? Let me make this clear, I do not hate you, but don't mistake my lack of hatred for the opposite feeling, because I certainly do not love you either. I accept that you are a part of me, and I, you.

I don't want you to read this and go blaming my mother for bad mouthing you. Because she actually didn't start doing that until recently, when you started taking the glory for your "wonderful" children that after a while you had no part in raising. But by the time she started, I was old enough to have formed my own independent opinon of you. Not to worry, I will still play the role of loving and dutiful daughter, I will still bring you your okra soup and garri when you visit my brothers and sisters, (thanks for not inviting yourself to my own house) I promise I don't make it lumpy on purpose. I will still bring your drinks and food at the few weddings and events we still end up at together, nobody will be able to say that you didn't raise your daughter right ;) When you proudly boast about how brilliant or high achieving I am, I will still shine my 32 and attribute it to you. When your friends jokingly accuse me of not wanting to move out of my father's house because I'm enjoying it too much, I'll still blush and pretend that's the case. I'll still do all that, because my siblings don't deserve the extra drama, and my in laws aren't quite in on the sham yet. I realize that my good behavior will always reflect well on you, but if I behaved badly or too americana my mother will be blamed and you will somehow be absolved. I'll still do this because I think we both know that I'm making sure I don't do what all girls supposedly do and marry men just like their fathers.

So please do your part and play the role you chose for yourself; see the play that is my life started a while back, even if you did miss opening night. At this late hour, it's unreasonable to start changing my lines and costumes. Don't worry "Dike di ora mma," I will even force myself to cry at your funeral too.

Your child,
"Adannaya"
Kpakpando

Prudes and Holly rollers beware!

2007-04-19T20:14:00.000+01:00

If you are reading this from work or around young children, DO NOT CLICK ON THIS VIDEO.
You have been warned, Kpakpando is not going to be held accountable when you get fired and she for damn sure is not dipping into her new car/shoe/vacation/remodelling fund to help your recently unemployed ass out. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED OH.

Ok so if you read any of the gossip blogs on my blog roll, you might be familiar with Alexyss Taylor, regardless of the extra s in her name she is actually not a porn star, but what do you think of this right here?

or this?

Update - 4/23/07 10:58am.

If you were interested enough in watching the rest of the comedy that is Alexyss Taylor on youtube, I posted this at first because it was extremely comedic. I mean her countrified southern accent coupled with the facial expressions of her co-host/mother brought tears to my eyes. But after listening to what she was saying I found myself agreeing with plenty of what she said. I mean I have counseled my dick whipped friends before, the ones who keep screwing that asshole because the good man they have can't lay it down quite like asshole. I've had it so good that I have left marks on bodies and I too have wanted a man(and have had him) to fall in love with my sex. In all that Alexyss is saying (sex is viewed differently by the genders/being used as a weapon/being give away for free etc.) I realize that we have bastardized what sex can be/is supposed to be. Yes it's a source of (sometimes extreme) physical pleasure but the connecting of two bodies builds a spiritual bond between people that should be unrivaled. Instead we kpansh here and there and start these bonds with several people (or the plain wrong people) and wonder why life isn't all gravy; how can it be when we keep letting people access the deepest part of ourselves without much discretion. The funny thing is Alexyss is supposedly an ordained minister in the church, but she sounds so much like a woman scorned (aren't we all though?) that her message comes across as shallow comedy. Somebody in Atlanta, tell me why you people let this mess on your television though.... lmao

What's your secret?

2007-04-18T21:18:00.000+01:00

I was going to blog about something different today but then I ran across this postcard on Post Secret.

His name was Ajibola. It was at least 5 more times.
I still see him from time to time, I always leave whatever stupid party/club/wedding/public space and go home and binge eat, usually burgers and fries. I wake up (well I get up I usually can't sleep) a few hours later and vomit. I don't hate him though.

Naija, Bittersweet naija

2007-04-18T02:03:00.000+01:00

Naija was bittersweet. I don't know if its because I'm now older/more mature but there's always something extremely depressing when I go home. Sure sure, I'm in relative comfort the entire time and I get to hang out with friends and associates at all the bubbling places, my foreign currency (eg'igwe) allows that; but the country as a whole seems to take whole leaps and bounds backwards, and unfortunately I'm not talking about the joke that was the elections. My people we have got to wake the hell up, we're ruining ourselves. We are a morally bankrupt people. I mean as if all the expose's on CNN about Naija fraud weren't enough! We don spoil finish in that country. What have my eyes not seen ehn?

My friend's 2yr old marriage is basically over. Her husband is not only cheating on her with useless campus girls, but her friends, colleagues and members of their church. In fact half of Lagos he's definitely chooking, and the other half he's not chooking it's only because they're men ashawo 10kobo like him. Look, I'm not at all surprised about this, not because all naija men cheat (beause they don't... I hope) but because I knew him before from way back when. He was an ass then and I didn't think some Ovation featured wedding and some signatures on a legal document would change him. All I know is we were here stateside one month abusing the likes of him, and she moved back to naija and within 6 months is engaged to that prick. Anyways, I went to see her, as per public holiday . Na so I see how she dey suffer; she can't even realize that she's being abused. No he doesn't hit her, at least not yet, but he's abused her in every other way. She was telling me about how she's embarrassed to go out to parties or even to the mall because some useless whore is screwing her husband. Yes, even our so called friends have no problem screwing him. Bloody prostitutes. Why she had to have a C- section when she gave birth to her extremely adorable but kinda obese son, because yes he had given her some STI and vaginal birth was out the question. When she confronted him about it, he tried to flip it on her and say she must've been screwing on the side. I mean I'm sure she was too hot and bobos were falling over her ever expanding self (she was cute pregnant too though just swollen as hell.) Sha she's planning on leaving him, at least that what she says. I hope for her sake she does, she's really a shell of herself. Please if you know this guy tell him to use a condom if his dick can't stay still haba.

Its not as if it's not known that he's married oh, but just for a ride in a flashy card and some credit for their phones these females are willing to disrupt people's lives and marriages and bring curses upon themselves. These men sef, why should/how can one dick get so much action? I mean is it a demonic attack abi na wetin why must you be kpanshing every useless cow who comes your way? These married men that are roaming for the next young thing sef na wa, some of them don't even bother to take of their wedding rings when they're attempting to toast. Most times I go out in Lagos/Abuja/Naija (this trip included) the majority of the men at the spots are married, in fact the only time single guys will outnumber them is if someone is doing a bachelor's eve at the club, and even then ahlf of the guys are engaged or damn near married themselves. But these shameless fools will even mention their wives and families and the next sentence will say so when can I take you out?

Betti its not always the men that are fault. These women nko? No self respect! They actively chase married men. I mean titties propped up like gravity no dey and pants so tight you can see the molecular activity in the ass cheeks, while on full display they make sure their hands brush the mans hands, arms thighs or whatever, na real wa o. Didn't their own mothers warn them about the hellfire that will consume them if they even look directly into a man's eyes? Sometimes a man with the most noble intentions in sucked into these Jezebel's grip, they openly and successfully chase, catch and run around town with the married man. Nobody ostracizes them in naija society anymore, I mean remember when having a (bastard) was so taboo and when you became the husband snatcher you were no longer a part of polite society? I read Chioma's blog about handbags, so I know I wasn't being hypersensitive about my friend's situation.

Sha the other devils I noticed worrying Naija'a head:

Drugs
Call me naive, but I never knew naija to be such a drug haven. I mean yes I know that people smoke gbana and drink too much kaikai, but wowww! People sniffling all day, everyday because cocaine had eaten holes in their nostrils. We went out and I saw so much evidence of recreational drug use, I was begininng to wonder if my college roomates had gotten deep tans and were punking me.

PHCN (you'll always be NEPA to me)
They waged war on me! I mean it was like they were determined to haze me and put me through some sort of bootcamp. I hate to sound like a spoiled brat, but haba electricity is apparently too much to ask for. Technically it was still cool when I left here so I wasn't ready for the heat, and you know it was hotter than the devil's balls too. Okay fine, realizing that more than 75% of Nigerians don't even have gen sets, I know I shouldn't be complaining about the gen's inability to carry all of the appliances, but I wouldn't be making the complaint if NEPA had just complied... sometimes they'd bring back the light and the current would be so low it couldn't even carry a flourescent light. I thought privatization was supposed to help?

Traffic
in Lagos is a PMSing bitch

People pretending they were living in a different naija than I was seeing.
This I'm sure needs its own post, maybe i'll dedicate one to it, who knows. But people are in fuggin lala land over there, thinking they're naija's version of paris hilton and are actual celebrities, meanwhile common to get to their house you're driving on what could have been a road in 1948. The extent of what they discuss is material things... another day sha I have to prepare to go back to work tomorrow, these ogbanjes should think i'm en route back to the states now, so why on earth is my damn blackberry going off already? Because I work with dumbasses who can't get shit right and even though I can fix their current mess, I won't because at this point they only pay me enough to show up to the office.

Eligible Gentlemen ko? Bachelors ni

2007-04-16T21:15:00.000+01:00

My aunty Joy is my mom's childhood friend, amazing how my mom is still friends with people she knew at age 3, but I digress. I have to give some background on the woman, so you can understand how absurd the lecture she gave me was. Aunty Joy was married once, at least that's what we're led to believe; you know how parents rewrite history, shifting years of wedddings and feigning blindness to the heavily pregnant bride they were in their wedding pictures. Aunty Joy has 3 daughters, all with different fathers. The version she tells is that she was married to the first daughter's father in her youth and he died, cast out by his family because she had no male child she was forced to move to Lagos and get a job. I guess the last two girls were manufactured in the sky, because she has no real explantion for them. The truth is more like this, aunty Joy was a wayward hot ass, who was too beautiful for her own good.

One day my uncle's wife gave me the down low gist. Even now, pushing 60 she's a very beautiful woman who pays attention to herself; so back then she was one of many daughters of her father who overindulged his children from all his wives and let them basically do whatever they wanted. Apparently Joy was sent to England sometime in the late 60's to study, and came back with her first daughter, less than a year later. Her family did a PR job and said she was married, and because the husband was also a student she came back home to have and raise her daughter with help. It was a good story, which people believed for a while, until her "husbands" actual fiancee came to fight her in front of Aunty Joy's mother's shop. After a few more years in England, Joy reappeared in Lagos in the mid seventies sans her first child and more aware of her beauty and used it accordingly to climb up corporate ladders. She eventually ended up in a multinational company and her second child was often mistaken for a sibling of a certain oga's children. The third girl's father is an absolute mystery, but when she was born in 1991, talk about complete upgrade; Aunty Joy was officially "big girl on the Island" status. So you can see why she is not the aunty to be advising me to settle down, or telling me what kind of man to pick, since those are the two things she failed at miserably.

My mom doesn't like to go to salons, so she has some women from some salon come to her and sometimes her friends drop in for their own whatever. So that's how my mother planned her assault, via friendly aunts. I went to go and greet my momsie and Aunty Joy, and I was hugged like her long lost child. She commented on how I had become too thin and even got my mother to agree, she even pinched my bum to verify there was less of it than the last time she saw me. Me? A grown woman being molested by aunts... I have suffered in this life. So breakfast was set up for me in the dining room, and I was ushered in there to eat. As I sat and started on my humongous meal, while mentally preparing how I was going to manage to eat every single thing, my aunt sat across from me on the table and stared at me. If I wasn't so damn greedy, I would have seen the tactics unfolding. She now called me by a pet name that nobody has used on me since I was in primary school and starts slowly. She asks me about work and tells me how Priye (her daughter that I went to school with is doing); even tells me to call her and tell her to leave jand and explore opportunities in the US.

So she now says, the reason she wanted to talk to me was very serious, and mugu like me didn't see where the conversation was going. She said, look you're almost 30 (I'm a good 6 weeks away from 26) an you're in your season and this is the time you should settle down because the pickings get slim once you're out of your season. According to her every girl has a particular time when she is a flower in full bloom, and men are swarming around her like bees. Some people come into their season young like at 21 others are more like 27/28. So she then proceeds to grill me about Nonso. So in the few hours that I was sleeping, Mommy and Aunty PI had managed to dig up all this gist on him. So after I said to her that seriously we were just friends, and denied that he didn't pay for my ticket back and we didn't plan this trip together; she now tells me that he's an ok catch. Because aside from his father's illegitimate child, he comes from a very decent family. She said if I liked him, I can try but she believed I could do better.

She brought up “that foolish boy Nnanna.” He’s one of those toasters who always toasts me when I’m in Naija, once I come back we never exchange words. He’s a cousin of a cousin or something like that. But she said “that one is just a social climber with no concrete plans” and he was very “foolish.” The way she said it, was as if he did have plans she'd have looked at him different. I have told myself that he must have a short dick because the dude is somehow. She also thought to remind me of Eloka, the “very good looking guy” who was 9 years older and chasing me when I was 19. Aunty Joy said it was a shame that my mom didn't allow him, because look at him now, he's doing so well for himself. Never mind that most of his "wellness" is actually a direct result of his marriage to baba's in-laws and his main interest in me was my parent’s business associates.

She mentioned this guy Obi, she thought he’d be a good match. Except I know he has a long term girlfriend, who I gather his mother doesn’t like. Then she mentioned Amaechi, tried to sell him to me as the most prized possession, except I know for a fact that he beats his girlfriends and then buys them nice expensive gifts the following day. Then Nnamdi, who was following in his family’s political footsteps and is a nice quiet boy who always greets her at church; funny because the Nnamdi I know is a freaky man whore. She mentioned Ifeanyi, who always comes across as a prick, but I guess he wouldn’t be rude to his momsie’s agemates; but same Ifeanyi happens to be my friend’s brother in law so later on that week I got more gist from her. Tufiakwa! If he’s anything like his brother then I’m better off single. She listed out a few other people I didn’t know that well, but given their company, I can’t imagine that they are much better catches.

Aunty Joy could see I was more focused on my food than the conversation, and reminded me that time wasn’t on my side. She said I needed to make an effort to marry well, so that I don’t have to worry in my old age… um ok. Mind you her oldest daughter is still single and is almost 40. After spending more than half an hour wasting her lecture on me, she retreated back to where my mother was and I heard her telling my mom that I “was always too independent as a child and she should just keep praying for me.” Marriage advise from a professional girlfriend, which kain mkpali is this now?

Ije oma/ Ije njo

2007-04-16T13:18:00.000+01:00

Naija was great and not so great. I kept getting the runs, kai I have suffered in this life, me and Imodium are best of friends now. One thing I have started doing now is praying for Nigeria, that place is just so something, I don't even know the word for it. Please some of you should join me in praying for naija oh, things there are something else. If I start typing from now until tommorrow night I can't even begin to finish what there is to say.

So why did my dumb ass think Nonso being on the same flight as me was a coincidence? This dude is a stalker! When I saw him sitting in the row in front of me, well he was in the middle section and I was in the window seat, so I saw him when he finally made it on to the plane. He tried to act as though he didn't see me, but we made eye contact. I no go lie, I actually wanted to see him while we were waiting to board the flight, but by the time my seat was called he wasn't there, so I kukuma boarded and figured I'd see him during the layover. Anyways when he got on the plane, I was like, why is he back here with us minions who fly economy? He made this big fuss back in december when I went to naija last, about why don't i just upgrade my entire ticket to business class, that economy is so this and that, blah blah blah, that the longer leg of my flight is from US to Europe so why is my naija leg the one with business class? That don't they pay me enough? blah blah blah... He thinks everyone's father has access to naija treasury like him abi? Askoh! By the time he offerred to upgrade my ticket then I was so pissed off with him. Anyways, so why is this mofo flying coach now? Mr "economy is too low for me and mines"? I smirked to myself and faced my magazines, soon after take off I was sound asleep. Yes I am that girl who sleeps shamelessly on the plane en route to Naija, sometimes I even snore loud enough to wake myself

As I was begin to enjoy my dreams that when I heard his voice, asking the dorky obviously European white guy next to me to please tap my shoulder. The dude was hesitating to tap me anyhow, that white boy has good instincts. He now told the dude that I was his girlfriend and some mixup got us seated apart, that would he mind switching seats, that his row was completely free. As I opened my eyes the oyibo dude was packing up his things. Can u imagine, dude didn't even verify the story before he abandoned his seat. Nonso now balanced on the seat next to me instead of the aisle seat the guy had just vacated and had a satisfied grin in his face. I told him he should stop lying to people jare, that he could have just poured sand in my garri if I was interested in the oyibo guy. He now guffawed as if I was telling him the funniest joke in ages. Ass! So I asked him, "biko what is it? As you're seeing me here I'm just getting the rest I need for this trip." He said I just wanted to hang out with you now, since we're on the same plane and all. So I was like, ehen biko why are you flying economy with us lowly people? He now said something about business and first class people full. On that empty plane? Yeah right, besides he'd have just flown another airline or on another day.

The 7 hour flight to Europe was uneventful, no turbulence at all. It was actually fun to travel with someone I knew, we just chit chatted about nothing in particular; he let me have the cheese and crackers from his plate during the meals and gave me amazing foot rubs. Not that he's selfish, but when we were actually dealing vs the drop by screwing we're doing now, he was not nearly this attentive or affectionate. When we got to Amsterdam he decided he wanted to spend his money, I was more than happy to oblige him and got some last minute perfume/chocolates etc. for random cousins who I knew would drop by seeking. It was when we were now sitting in the lounge waiting the last couple of hours for the flight to Lagos, that I even thought our being on the same flight was not a coincidence, because this time he happened to be actually seated right next to me. I commented outloud but to myself about how funny this coincidence was, he kept quiet. When we finally boarded the plane,and waited for the rest flight to be boarded, he said that he got my travel agent to book him on the same itinerary. He now starts saying how these past few months he realizes how much he thinks about me, and how he admires many qualities about me. How he'd kill to have another chance to make things right, that when we ended things in january he was dealing with his own insecurities that he's not satisfied with just having a physical relationship, that he'll always want more. He says that he knows that he'll probably have a hard time finding someone else like me, basically spewing all the generic bullshit you hear in the movies when a guy is trying to win the girl back. Ehn, sha my life is not a movie, and I'm not fecking Julia Roberts. I mean, this is the same man that I heard profess his love to some chick over the phone while I was asleep in his bed, less than 2 weeks prior.

I didn't even bother mentioning to him that his whispers from downstairs woke me up. Though I was majorly hung over, I could still make out the promises he made to her even though his voice was muffled. So there on the plane, I asked him about Chinyere? Surprise covered his face, had he been drinking something he would have choked. I told him that I heard his conversation with her, that I was sure that he'd be screwing her while he was in naija, so why he bothering stalking me on planes and feeding me lies? I told him there was basically no chance in us ever being involved in anything substantial because I want to be happy in my life, and I know a life with him would leave a me a pill popping overly anxious and insecure snoop.

The guy likes women too much, he never has just one, even if he had the full 7 course gourmet meal like me, this mofo would still screw with McDonalds and Applebees on the side. Please I don't want to end up in jail one day because I poured boiling oil on him so make I kukuma leave him alone now. He tried to explain away Chinyere, she was his girlfriend in college and it was just talking that she's in naija and is dating someone else. This mofo doesn't realize I know all this because I heard their entire conversation that night, plus when we were actually dealing, I used to go through all his stuff the moment he left the room, so not only do I know their history, but I know what she wore on their first anniversary because I'd seen a picture. So after I let him waste his breath, I asked him specifically about the other chicks I knew of. I asked about Nicole (from his MBA program), Tameka( the one he met at a bar, the weekend we had our first tiff), Holly (his friend's ultra white coworker), Ijeoma(chick in Houston who actually thinks she can tame this beast), Shola (neighbor of his with fiance in jand same one who used to smile in my face when she'd see me in the morning; knowing good and well she was going to kpansh him the night I wasn't over.) He said what I was thinking wasn't true... except I had already seen the evidence. So I told him I'd think about it, and asked for another glass of wine.

The good thing about travelling to naija with Nonso was the fact that I had never retrieved my luggage and cleared customs so quickly. He waited with me, since momsie was running late. She had drama with her second driver... her main driver was already away for Easter and the secondary one wanted to go on vacation too, so the entire ride home was her abusing the guy about how he doesn't appreciate a good madam like her enough. Chei. But Nonso introduced himself to my momsie; I guess he thought I was just telling him stories when I told him she was a hard woman. Because after he said his full name and answered her prelim questions, she said without skipping a beat "oh Nonso, thank you for helping Kpakpando, you know she's my baby. Please I hope you're not here trying to mislead her by feeding her lies. If you're well brought up, I'm sure you know there's a proper way to do things." And turned to me saying "honestly Kpakpando, I don't know why you like these flashy fine boys, you should let us introduce you to a nice proper guy that can give you a happy life and piece of mind like your sisters, you've always been a difficult child, sometimes you should listen to your mother." She said this all in front of him, Obiageli doesn't care who she offends o jare, she says what's on her mind. Nonso is stunned/amused by my mother and politely says goodbye and goes his way. Nto gi.

It was hot as Hades in naija, my pants were already sticking to my legs because of the sweat. But all I wanted to do was go home, shower and meet up with my friend Joke. I was going to roll with my homie from college. I announce my plans to momsie and she's okay with me doing my thing that she hopes I meet decent people. She did tell me that the next morning my aunt was coming over to do her hair and wanted to talk to me, so I should make sure I get enough rest in all my "gallivanting." Well, I don't know who told me I was wonder woman, but as soon as I got home, sleep overwhelmed me, so unfortunately I had to go to bed. Maybe that's why she didn't even start her lectures about Lagos being unsafe at night, and how this isn't Abuja(that dry place) and one has to be aware and not place themselves in situations; she must've have seen the sleep in my eyes. By the time I woke up saturday morning (to the smell of fried yam and eggs and baked beans and sausage, and plantain) Aunty was already there.

Seriously my fingers will cramp in a few more minutes, I'll have to update later, about that lecture/lesson/instructional session with Aunty and a few other things that happened. Glad to be back to stable temperature water, even if I came back in a storm.

Gone for Easter

2007-04-05T16:12:00.000+01:00

I spoke with Arinze for a few good hours last night, as usual. I was doing some general complaining about work and life, and so was he. In our story exchange he asks me how far with bobos, that I haven't mentioned anyone to him at all this year; I told him that there was nobody. He didn't believe me, and I explained, if it's to go out and have fun then those options are always available, but nobody I see myself dealing with on any other level other than awoof. He laughed, and jokingly asked me if that's the purpose he served to me. I jokingly (but not really) answered, that I was grooming him to be my husband that didn't he get the memo? He laughed and mentioned how the people from his village would make him a chief for marrying such a fine babe. We laughed and kept talking.

I gisted him about how I found my journal from a while ago and he made many entries. He was tickled and interested in what I had to say, so I told him I'd read a portion of it to him, and he agreed. So I read an entry from sometime last summer when I had just gone to some wedding with him. The entry didn't proclaim my undying love for him or anything, but it did say how I was happy to have met a decent man like him, and about me needing to get my act together. He said he wouldn't change a thing about me, that I was just perfectly fine. Kai that bobo sha knows how to stroke my ego, because I sure like to be stroked. One day I will grow enough liver to read him the other entries about my "I go die" love for him. I checked my liver and that day is not today.

This company doesn't deserve me at all! I came in for a half day to tie up any loose ends, even though I'm flying this evening and now they want to give me new assignment, let thunda fiya their yanshes! Then they give me this dumb blank stare like I'm not speaking english, when I tell them I'm on vacation starting at one. You stupid twit it's on the schedule sef, stop acting surprised! Walahi my tolerance for ndi bekee is reducing rapidly. They're lucky that my mind is already in Lagos, otherwise I would be abusing them something serious. They're seriously trying my patience.

So in a couple of hours, my taxi will be here (free parking at work) and I'll be checking in for my flight and mentally readying myself for a week alone with my parents. (Jesus save me!) I can tell my mom is anxious, she's called me at least 6 times this morning about mundane things we've already discussed.

Mommy: "make sure you bring shoes to match blue"
Me: "yes mommy, I already packed two options"
Mommy: " light blue oh, not navy"
Me: "YES, I know"
Mommy: "We have to look put together"
Me: "Yes MA, I gorrago biko I have to go to work"
Mommy: "Ok dearie, please stop calling me MA, where did you get that from? I taught you better than that, it sounds like a ruffian. I just wish Junior was coming too, what is he doing not coming back sef, is it that play play job of his, I told him to come to Nigeria and let us find his something useful, but that boy is so stubborn..."
Me: "Ok love you, see you soon, bye"
Mommy: "So you don't want to chat with your mother, see how you children are..."
Me: "I can't do this now,I'll call you from the airport, bye mommy"
Mommy: "Ok, make sure you do oh, I have many things to discuss with you"

This conversation took place at probably 5:30am. Seriously she wants to discuss fashion choices and my younger brother's career path? At that unholy time? I could've have one more solid our of rest, but at that point I had to open my suitcases and make sure the shoes were in there. She's only so anxious because we're doing the Easter Sunday church thing, as a family; meaning my father (her would be ex-husband except they're still married whom she hates with a passion) will be in close proximity to her. Why she puts herself through such nonsense is completely beyond me, all this "keeping up appearances" moves must be tiring after all. My dad probably could care less, all this time she's stressing herself out. I look forward to see what outfit she has made for me though, because even with all her wahala, the woman knows how to make me look good. So Easter with the crazies and some friends to see.

What is "potential" bikonu?

2007-04-03T23:24:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I was gisting with a family friend of mine. I've known him since I was a fetus, our mothers went to high school together, our fathers went to uni together, worked for the same company, we lived in the same areas etc. When I relocated to this city, I ran into him somewhere and he immediately recognized me and no longer did he treat me like the smallie I was, but the adult I am. We have formed an adult friendship that I very much appreciate now that he's given up his dream of me marrying his younger brother... the one with "potential." We were just catching up, he was the one whose friend had met me once and given my number to the Calabar dude. I guess the guy has put in a complaint about me not feeling him fast enough or something, because after the niceties thats what homie started grilling me about.

Let me clarify, its not that I don't like the guy, its just that since that time we went out a few weeks ago, I haven't had time to get to know him enough to make that determination. I've talked with him a couple of times and I guess since I keep turning him down on last minute dates he assumes I don't like him. I turn him down because as a rule, I don't do last minute dates from newbies. To me it means I'm an afterthought, a last resort, like you've already asked all the other girls and they've declined and I'm all that's left. This is not to say that I don't accept last minute dates at all, because they're some people that I know exactly where I stand with them and its cool; but in the beginning you should be extra eager. Well since I haven't had time to get to relly know him, I don't know if I like him, all I know at this point is that I don't hate him nor do I think he's repulsive. Well that's allI could tell Chudi sha, I didn't need to share how I rated his "friend's" ehm skill. The bobo sef needs to chill, we only went out once. That's not enough reason for me to be banging down your door.

Anyways back to the conversation. Chudi now gets on me, about not giving guys with "potential" enough chance; that in the past few years he's seen me pieces dudes with tons of potential. He tells me to repent of my ways, that I'm getting older now and my market value is now dropping etc., that Bobo has tons of potential and I should give him a chance. So I asked him the only question that came to mind, " na potential I go chop?" He laughed at my question, but I was dead serious. I then went on to add, that when men are choosing, they pick women based on the actual; but they always want to be judged based on their potential. Isn't that the biggest crock of shit ever? He said it's a man's world now, blah blah blah blah. I really had to tune him out after that point, so I really don't know what other sexist bullshit he was spewing. I now retorted well its Kpakpando world, so I will do as I damn well please. He now said that if I like let me keep doing shakara, that my mates are married (any single naija/african woman 23+ can fill in the rest of the blanks.)

It had me thinking and I started to get upset over nothing really, but why the hell should I have to "settle" for fugging potential, why can't I get the entire order immediately? and Why, why why, should I get criticized for only wanting what I want? Seriously, if a dude doesn't like a chubby girl because of that single reason, he's allowed. I mean she has potential to be skinny one day isn't it? Why aren't I allowed to insist on what I want? (insert long hiss and serious eyeing here) When I reject someone because I'm not attracted to him, na wahala, "after all the man doesn't need to be fine, he just needs to make money." Ehn so its my children that should be busted like magilla gorilla abi? In fact, God punish you! When I say he doesn't make enough money (at least to make up for that mediocre face) then all of a sudden "igbo girls too dey like money." Before nko? I mean since its not news to anyone worrahell you bringing me broke ass busta for? When I reject someone for not being ambitious enough, then they bring me that nonsense about he has dreams. Never mind that they're half baked pipe dreams, I'm supposed to work with that potential? Seriously maka why?

I'm not saying that I don't look at people's potential and I expect a ready made situation; because I do and I don't( it would be nice); I'm all for building a life with someone and all that good shit. But at this point in my life, I'm not looking for an ugly dummy with dreams. I deal with potential, provided that what I'm dealing with has an active plan for a feasible goal and isn't ugly as sin.

btw Bobo, has way more than potential, I will holla at him when I get back.

Weekend Update

2007-04-02T18:19:00.000+01:00

Ok, I didn't do a damn thing this weekend. Ok actually I readied myself for my trip. I'm going home in approximately 4 more days for one full week in the blazing sun of naija. Most of saturday was dedicated to beautifying myself. So I did all the sloughing, waxing, plucking, rubbing and stuff that is necessary to look like an extra fine babe, since I know this week will be too tight to squeeze in any of these type things. I also started (and finished) my last ditch attempt at another diet, it lasted a whole six hours then I saw a dunkin donuts, and you know the donuts in naija don't quite taste the same, so therefore, I had to have 2 glazed donuts and it was sunny enough for a toasted almond coolatta with whole milk. So that was the end of that diet. I already know that no matter what I look like, momsie will have something to say; I'm my summer size already so it's really whatever.
I also packed my stuff. This is always quite a feat, because I don't believe in excess luggage, my shoes alone could take one suitcase and my mom insists I bring back the most random things. Never mind that she'll be here in less than 3 weeks for Chichi's baby, she emailed, texted and phoned me a list of "MUST HAVE OR I DIE" items; that included toothpaste, 3 types of vitamin C, tampons ( I swear my mom has gone through menopause) and nail polish. Sha I got what I could get from CVS and called it a day, when I get there with half of the list, she'll get over it abi? Besides she'll be here this month, so she can get everything she wants then.
It was a relaxed weekend, which is what I needed considering I'm entering that unorganized chaos called Lagos and will have to hit the ground running. Technically, I was also guy free this weekend, because I didn't get to Nonso's house until 12:30am this morning. He had left me several messages over the weekend and I decided to call him back last night when agros was worrying my head. I still beat the sun home though. Turns out we're on the same flight(s) home, oh joy. Got.to.get.his.d!@k.off.my.mind.and.out.of.my.system.stat.

Men don't want honesty

2007-03-30T23:30:00.000+01:00

So last night I made dinner for Dr. Pete, and we talked throughout the dinner. He is a great conversationalist. I was sitting there talking to him, well more listening than talking, and I realized he isn't actually interested in me. He's more interested in the me that HE thinks I am, or the me HE thinks I should be. Dr. Pete isn't much different than many other men I've come across in my almost 26 years though, so its not that I fault him. I think if I actually were into him I'd be a bit crushed, but luckily it's just about 8 weeks to my birthday; after which I can and will drop him.

See, he sees me as this sweet and calm person, which isn't necessarily bad or untrue, but that's the general gist of ALL he sees me as. I know a large part of how he sees me, is based for the most part, by his first interactions with me. First time I remember meeting him was at Ada's wedding, then several events where either family or family friends were present. Him himself does he act the same way in front of momsie and his homies? Oho! So why would he expect different from me? Do I play a part in how he sees me? Naturally I do, but there's eveidence of my complete self, he's just choosing to see me as this one dimensional character. So for now I oblige him. So no potty mouth, no sexual aggresiveness, no occasional cigarette with a drink, very little challenging of his opinions and more of this Suzie Q. Homemaker bullshit. I wonder what he sees in this absolutely harmattan like, dry version of me? All I know is that my gift better sparkle in the dark.

Nothing much

2007-03-28T22:14:00.000+01:00

Ok, I completely need a new job. It might be spring fever, but today again I did nothing.. I'm no longer challenged by my role here, they give me excellent reviews but I doubt they'll be picking my chocolate face to move up when the opportunity arises. I guess I'll be looking to monster.com or keeping my ear to the ground.
So I did nothing al day, but came across this thingy, that tells your personality type based on pictures you select. I like my assessment.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Is it pride?

2007-03-27T20:21:00.000+01:00

This is a long one, a kind of confession of love for someone. I have no liver to say it in person, on email or text to the actual person. What is wrong with me? Okay, in the past I've mentioned Arinze. My one and only. My personal person. Babi'm. My perfect man. My friend. The superlative man on the face of this earth. My only match in this uwa n'ine world. My confidante. Oh yes did I mention my FUGGIN FRIEND. As in only FRIEND. Sexually charged platonic bullshit that I actually cherish, oh for shame (dramatically throwing myself on my bed with arm to forehead and sobbing loudly) Oh I am a drama queen when I put my mind to it, I am a middle child (kinda, sorta) after all.

I met Arinze October 29, 2005. It was sometime after 10pm. I was stuck at some cultural event for my townspeople. I had been cursing myself for being volunteered as a single lady of the village to help collect the names and contact information for those who had pledged money to our village's library/community center/school/road improvement etc. Till this day I don't know the actual project. Naija people sef we like to flex, come and see pot bellied men, shining teeth in their lace, matching with their wives, pledging $10K. Na who go see that $10K? No community library in some village in the east, that’s for damn sure. See I understand the reasoning behind these community conventions/days in the US. It's really one of the few social outlets where that generation can preen and show off and shout "Enyin and Nwoke'm" all night long, with no need to speak bekee. I on the other hand am a bubbling YOUNG chick which tons of social options who doesn't mind speaking bekee all day, everyday, though I can switch back to Kpakpando the demure traditional chick, when need be.

I was volunteered by my uncle who happens to be a state representative for our place in Anambra house of reps; well he was going to be in yankee for a visit and would be one of the many guests of honor at the event. All I know is that I got a phone call two days to the event, from momsie saying that Uncle Rice was coming to yankee, and he was bringing me some new trado she got made for me. AND I was to wear it to so and so event on Saturday, that I was a volunteer for the event. She reminded me to wax my eyebrows in case they were unruly and if I had crazy hair color to go and get new hair. I tried to put up a protest, but she said you and Uncle Rice have the same last name; you must show him support and represent the family. So the edict had been sent out, and last time I tried to disobey I got more than hellfire. So I cancelled my movie night plans, and collected the trado from uncle earlier in the afternoon. It was all black. How fitting!

So there I was sitting in the hall, at 10:30. The event slated to start at 7pm had just kicked off. I was waiting on my cousin to show up. I had called her and BEGGED her to show up and even told her that uncle had asked about her and was going to give me her pocket money for school, and if she didn't show up, I was going to chop the money. She agreed to come, but was waiting on some out of town guests to come back to her place so they wouldn't be locked out. So at that late hour I had lost all hope. By that time I had fielded the same set of questions from at least 7 different men and one older woman who were all looking for a spouse for their younger brother/cousin/relative. I cursed her and I cursed myself. Imagine insult I was collecting in the name of supporting family... asking my questions and closely examining me as if I were produce in an outside market. Do I look like a fecking semi-ripe mango to you? Then she shows up. With 4 friends. 2 of them were girls, and they came from equally good families, so now there were more people to share in my humiliation. Mehn I was so happy I would have added to her dash money, but I didn't let my relief get the better of me. She does the customary introductions. One of the guys was her cousin. He was very cute, but light skinned and barely taller than me (fine I had heels on but I like men to tower over me when I have my 3 inch heels on) so not my type. Besides cousin of a cousin make him a cousin too in the village ba? The other guy was his friend and ex-classmate in B-school. He's tall and chocolate, not the finest guy I know, but he's sexy and rugged. A bit thin for my taste, but I would cook 10 times a day for him, so he'd fatten up pretty quickly.

I reiterate, I have seen and been with much finer men, so it wasn't just a physical attraction thing. It wasn't his credentials either, because MBAs are a dime a dozen these days. It wasn't his height, 6'3", and I’m not into skinny/slim men. But something about him that day was extremely familiar and comfortable. We started talking. He's a great flirt, so I got to practice with him. We talked and talked that day. My cousin's cousin took several pictures of us together that night, and gosh I make him look good, ok ok fine, we look great together, Like a believable couple/unit. Actually one of my favs from that night is on my desktop. Well the night was drawing to an end and he still hadn't asked me for my number. I was slightly miffed. So as he fell back and we greeted and shined teeth for our uncle and collected the ransom money, I started getting pissed that he had wasted my entire night chit chatting, when I could have entertained other eligible men. (For where!) So after uncle asks us where we're going, and we both answer (to bed, so we can get up in time for church tomorrow) he dismisses us for the evening. Arinze asks to walk me to my car, and I agree. Ego deflated, but hey whatever. He asks to use my phone and I hand it to him. He calls himself and says, I didn't want to give you room to not give me your number, because I know you don't mind.

The arrogance! Quel sexy! He asked me to come to my cousin’s house but I had to decline because I was feeling a bit too much, besides I had to baby sit the next day, and I'd need the energy. He said he'd call. The next day I waited and waited for the call. I think I even left my ringer on during church, just in case he rang. I was babysitting my nephews and kept making sure one of them hadn't gotten into my purse and turned the phone off because it still hadn't rung. Again I was deflated when I finally made it home and still no call. I had already made the excuses like "well he didn't say when" but I just felt like he should have called me the very next day. He did call me, as he was stepping out of his car. He had to go drop off his friend, and didn't want to carry on the conversation in his presence. It was 9:30 ish. We stayed on the phone until 3am or so, fighting sleep like dumb teenagers. We both had to work in a few hours but that didn't deter us.

The phone calls were exchanged for the next few weeks. I was dating limp dick Akin then, but I agreed to come up for a visit. So I made a quick road trip to go visit him. We had tons of fun, hanging out, he makes a killer omelet (they never break), and he even painted my toenails when I was bitching about chipping the polish on one toe. I didn't think about anyone else that entire weekend, I was on cloud nine, especially since he made my body do things I didn’t think were possible with another human being. Battery operated friend, yes, but not a human being. I'm dumb as hell, because after the magical weekend, a few weeks later he starts asking me what I’m looking for, and I did answer honestly. I didn’t know, friends I guess. And since then that’s what he’s been. A very good friend, we see each other from time to time, especially when I want to escape and need a change of scenery, he lets me come and hide with him. We sleep in the same bed, but have never had sex since then. I can call him and tell him to remind me how fabulous and awesome I am and he rains the compliments on me and when I ask him to, he prays for me. I try to reciprocate as often as I can, but by far he’s way better to me.

The problem is that with him I am extremely honest, and I seek his advice often. So he knows of many of my escapades. Bummer. We went to a wedding together last summer (one of many trips we kind of took together, the meet me at the airport type thing) and people again assumed we were together. We laughed it off as usual, but it was then I began to wish I wasn’t a fool a few months before. But me I can’t get myself to go back and say I want something more, especially since I like the attention form the distractions (however useless they may be) I have here in my city. I would give all of them up in a heartbeat, if I knew for a fact he feels the same way. In the year plus since we first met, he hasn’t really dated anyone. I’m not naïve enough to believe he’s not smashing somebody (that would be a waste of good talent), but there’s nobody special he’s mentioned. He still flirtingly jokes (I think its just jokes anyways) that he’s going to marry me and even when I warn him that I’ll hold him to that word he continues.

My stupid pride won’t let me put myself out there like that. A part of me truly believes there’s no other man nearly as good as he is, and the same part believes that I’ll never be actually happy or satisfied in a relationship unless we end up together. I guess that’s the same part of me that wants him to come and read this entry and realize that I heart him.

Weekend Update

2007-03-26T19:25:00.000+01:00

Lord where do I start? Ok, I must say I had the best of intentions leaving my office on Friday afternoon, work was trying to stress me out and I smply couldn't have that. The plan was to go home have a shower and make it a blockbuster night, simple abi? So why come when my phone rang and I finished my conversation, I was now combing through my closet to find something to wear. That wily Nonso had invited me to dinner, and to prove that I was only going to go do awoof I opted to drive myself to the restaurant, so I would be forced to remain sober and come back to my own home. So needless to say I should have saved the gas in my car, after all the shege is basically $3 /gallon.

So we met at the place, it was packed. If I had any doubt in my mind that spring is here, the high hemlines and cut out backs reminded me real quick. What is it about any temperature over 73 degrees and naked girls sef? One girl was wearing a skin tone sheer dress with no underthings, na wa just a sea of nakedness. So it took us a while to finally get seated, but during our wait, we sat down in the patio area of the restaurant and made small talk. He kept pointing out guys who were checking me out and I kept pointing out girls he was checking out; and we'd rate them. Fun little game. We finally got seated and Nonso went crazy. Not crazy asy as in get him a strait jacket now, but crazy as insanely hilarious.

So he and one of his friends D have this thing they do when they see each other, calling each other by "fake" title names from imaginary villages in Nigeria. Nonso for instance is Chief Anuewu of Okporoko Kingdom and D is Mkpotu na Okwu - the last son of Chief Onye Ala (obviously not the real titles, but the real ones are much funnier.) when they greet each other, they slip into this ultimate igbotic accent, I mean worse than traders in Ariaria market. They channel that okrika trader who has 3 cell phones attached to his belt buckle while speaking louder than necessary on the 4th one, invariably about his container on the "high seas." It's always funny when they greet each other because something ridiculous falls out of their mouths. So why did Nonso decide to be Chief Anuewu all evening long?

He puts in the order with our American waiter, and says please give me one big stout and warra. The poor waiter is like huh? Then Nonso turns to me and says "Nne what do you want? You can get anitin, I like u das why i bring to this hotel to eat because you are my one and only, egovine nwa..." I collapsed in laughter because he was saying this with a completely straight face and his body language had turned "traderish." So we put in our order and throughout the evening he keeps it up; he even got one waiter in there to basically act out that scene from Coming to America, the one with Vondie Curtis Hall. He was being extremely loud and soon many of the patrons were dying of laughter too. I mean I was embarassed as hell but I was laughing; the whole time he kept a straight face.Imagine the waiter's absolute surprise when he went back to his usual fone at the end of the night.

In addition to the show he put on, Nonso was doing some serious moves with his hands out of the views of others, and it had the desired effect, because when he walked me to my car I asked him how long it would take him to get home. He said 7 minutes. I said see you in 8 minutes. I think we both made it to his place in about 5 mins. So we get to his place and ting like he doesn't know why I'm there and starts gisting politics with me. I decided to play along, but I wasn't going to be sober, if I was discussing how the Democrats are setting themselves up for failure with their current front runners, so I open up a bottle of Chardonnay; which I don't really like but the other option was hard liquor, so it had to do. So half an hour later when more than half the bottle is done and my stomach is churning, I guess liquid courage (which I didn't need) told him to off his pants. He told me I didn't look so good, I should have listened because after he offed his pants and I insisted on lying off the edge of his bed upside down, I ended up regurgitating a little on his penis. Well because of my state I found it extremely funny and so did he, thankfully because if the table were turned I don't think I would find any humor in it.

So after messing up my hair in the shower, we finally make it back to his bed and eventually slept. Well I did anyways, he ended up making some phone calls that I overheard but I didn't take personally. When I woke up with a killer headache, he was still awake. He looked like a tormented man, but I guess spinning stories can do that to you. I had enough time to go directly from his place to the salon because my hair looked just... my stylist was trying to act like she couldn't squeeze me in, when I was already being shampooed by the time she came in. Shoot I know I didn't have an appointmennt, but all I needed was to get my hair restyled now, and none of her appointments were even there yet, why was she even doing shakara for me sef?

I finally make it home in enough time to shower and slap some concealer under my eyes and meet up with Amaka. We were starting our spring /naija trip shopping. Why did she know within 3 minutes that I had gbenshed Nonso? I tried to deny, but she wasn't hearing it, she said I had that satisfied glint in my eye. She now filled me in on how Deji (who's still trying hard to toast but clearly doesn't know who he's dealing with) thinks that Dr. Pete really likes me. She now tried to make me feel a lil guilty about lying to him about being celibate. I tried to tell her that men, especially like him, aren't interested in hearing the truth; that they need you to lie to them when it comes to sex, so they can feel somehow like conquerors. I'm only indulging him by repeating my version of the truth. So 3 malls at 7 hours later, we've both bought enough items to at least start our spring wardrobe. Sha thank God for outlet malls and Ann Taylor loft, otherwise I'd be some kind of broke. The calabar bobo tried to invite me out that night, but I refused. Nonsense if you wanted to spend time with me you'd have asked me earlier in the week, you don't know me well enough for me to be doing last minute plans with you.

A few other things happened this weekend.
- I decided to dump my side piece. He's a fuck face who doesn't know his role or how to play the position. You cannot just drop by like you have rights, neither can u ask me questions like you're somebody to me.

- I invited Dr. Pete over for a home cooked meal later on this week. He seems really excited. Unlike other times when I claim to have cooked all the food, that I bought from a restaurant; I shall I actually cook.

- I paid for my ticket to naija for Easter, I swear its like KLM ass fecks me hard when I see that money leave my account. Too think all the money I spent on that ticket, just to go home to be harrassed by family about something or the other; I could technically go to the Caribbean twice and bake on the beach while sipping something alcoholic and incredibly fruity.

-I floated the idea of relocation to Arinze (my one and only) and he's very open to it, and offered some of his contacts for job hunting and his place to stay until i finished house hunting. Despite all my dalliances, I really do feel like he's the only guy for me. One day when I get my act together, I'll try.

on a completely different note, I think I love Naomi Campbell, her own particular brand of crazy is just extra special. I mean who catwalks out of punishment as if to say " feck u bitches!"

I'm happy to BE happy.

2007-03-23T19:04:00.000Z

I realized something this week, this is probably the first time in a long time that I haven't lapsed into depression. I'm not talking about a few days of feeling bad because something happened like some useless bobo dumped you or your hairdresser cut off more than you expected and now you look like a boy. I mean actual all out depression. Feeling hopeless, overwhelmed, sad, considering what the world would be like without you, being overly anxious about nothing in particular, not wanting to get out of bed, hating God for my circumstances, sleeping days away because thats the only thing you feel like you can do right, sleeping because you have no energy for anything else, feeling guilty for feeling all of the above things, then feeling sorry for myself and thinking nobody has had a worse life. It was just a place of darkness.

The first time I knew something was wrong, or rather noticed something was wrong was probably sophmore year in college. I had a roomate whose parents lived like 20 mins away so she was always home in her own bedroom. She would go away for long weekends and from the time she would leave until she came back I wouldn't have done anything except watch tv. Sometimes i'd get hungry enough to order a pizza, then eat the whole thing in like 10mins then feel bad for being such a glutton and then slink back under my covers. The entire 4 0r 5 days I wouldn't bathe, sleep, talk to anyone or do anything. I wouldn't have the motivation to do anything and being around people made me feel worse. The little twit would always make insensitive comments about how I looked like pure hell. Gosh I hated that hoe, but her comments made me realize something was wrong.

The first time I sought out help was probably a full year after that. I went to student health and explained how I was tired and always "sick," after I explained my symptoms to them I was referred to the mental health department. I scoffed. I mean there was nothing wrong with me. I told my mother what happened and she "rebuked" them and told me to read my Bible more, that their diagnosis was of the devil and she'd mail me the new multivitamins from the health store near our house. I wasn't all sad and stuff when I went home. Sometimes I'd be genuinely happy to be around my family and the times I wasn't and they started asking questions or generally harassing me, I'd go to my room to "study" and extended the time between my next trip home. Junior would come into my room and see me crying and just come and give me a hug, I think we're the most in tune with each other because he was the one who didn't think I was just being snippy. I don't blame them for not noticing the gravity of my mental health state, for a long time I was a dramatic person so my "sadness" or "detachment" could easily be mistaken for one of my drama-mama episodes. Besides I wasn't a druggie, alcoholic and I got good grades, so everything was fine.

I would go through my ups and downs, sometimes I'd just fade from my otherwise very active campus/social life and people chalked it up to me getting burnt out and needing to refresh. In a way I know my unwillingness to tell anyone that "hey I'm fecking sinking and I need help a hug, Jesus something" contributed to my depression. Shoot I was unwilling to admit it to myself that I wasn't OK. My bad spells wouldn't last for too long, or rather wouldn't bring me too down; truthfully I was a great pretender because I was never as "_____" as I seemed. Then my senior year, that's when certain things happened that just kept destroying me further and I was shrouded in darkness. Off course everyone just thought I was working hard trying to graduate, so it made sense that I looked like I carried the burden of the world on my shoulders and look a frightful mess. It was then I finally showed up to mental health and started taking my little blue happy pills.

I know many doctors and pharmaceutical companies try to tell everyone they're depressed and to take this new pill and be a happy bubble instead of a sad bubble; but at that point the happy pills really helped me. I was on them for a few months by the time my mother found them. She made me get down on my knees and stretch my hands to heavens and ask God for deliverance. I did, but I had gotten to the point where I was normal and my prayers were real vs. silently cursing God in my head and repeating empty words. She took my happy pills away from me, I only had one more month refill left before I went in for another revaluation to change my dosage or whatever it is they do there. I did my prayers (every night I was home for hours) but at least I was getting better. That was years ago. Ever since then i'd occassionally lapse back and start descending to that place again, but in addition to my prescription therapy I learnt that asking for help and admitting something is wrong can help.

Well the last time I lapsed was almost 2 summers ago, I'm happy to be truly happy and ok again.

Some guidelines

2007-03-22T00:39:00.000Z

Today is the first full day of spring, I wore pink to celebrate. Something about the added sunshine changes something in me and makes me more "in the mood." So chasing season has officially begun and I'm excited. So usually chasing season (for me at least) means lots more dating and sometimes mating (without intent to concieve). Throughout the years, I've had some great and not so great and downright awful experiences, and in addition to the obvious rules (don't spread my business, always use a condom, don't cum in my mouth etc.) I have developed a list of things that irk me to the utmost when it comes to the "deal".

- Defective dicks need not apply. You know that shit was perpertually limp, short, skinny like pencil etc. and you know that's not the first time you've ejaculated extremely prematurely, quit lying and invest in something to fix that problem, rings, gel, viagra or prayer, whatever sha just fix it! You're of no use to any woman, certainly not me. And when I walk out on you laughing my head of, you should know its you i'm laughing at.

- If you're retrosexual, go elsewhere. God has told me we don't belong together. You can't even be my friend, so just take ya wahala and vamoose. I respect your sexual repression, but at this point I've tasted the forbidden fruits and i laikicham ya.

- Foreplay. There must be some. Scratch that, there must be lots of it. Please don't think you can go from twiddling my nipples to the main event. Are you mad? You even let your car warm up before you go full speed, so why should my own be different? Am I not better than a car? As far as that nipple twiddling, really they're sensitive, if you keep rubbing them vigorously you will likelly chafe them; learn something new haba it's 2007 if I can keep current so can you.

- If you can't reciprocate then don't ask for or otherwise expect it, so it's only you that should enjoy abi because I'm a mumu okwa ya? Just mind yourself.

- Please don't ask me if "i've ever had it this good," chances are I have. Shut up and focus.
(RE: above. If by chance you happen to know a name of someone I have done the do with in the past, do not ask me to compare the both of you before/during/after the act)

- If your finger is going anywhere other than there, you must ask for and receive permission, otherwise I'll do it to you so you can know how it feels. In fact anything you've seen in porn before and you want to try, no be me u go dey experiment on without permission? E ga sikwa!

- Don't ask if I had an orgasm, if I did you wouldn't be asking me.

- Pick up and dispose of the damn condom wrapper. Don't be an ungrateful and dirty wretch, I just gave you some of the best yanshing you'll ever have in your life, the least you can do is clean up after yourself, abi u think u've employed housegirl?

- Naija guys, please this is especially for you, the most frequent offenders. Do not do all sorts of freaky and great things the first time and never do them again. It's not fair, its false advertising. After you've reeled me in with all your freakiness and I now believe "ehen this dude is at least on my level"; you cannot revert to unimaginative missionary and now stale doggie style. Someone who knows law, abeg isn't this breach of contract?

- Do not try to talk, cajole, threaten, ridicule, beg, sulk, buy, bribe (u get the point right?) me into kpanshing you. If I want to, i will and believe me i'll let you know. In the rare off chance you refuse to comply, I'm not going to do any of the above things to try to get you to change your mind, so please don't do it to me. It's fecking annoying.

They're many, many more, but these ones are the ones that really make my skin itch.

Blogger na winch sha

2007-03-21T00:03:00.000Z

Blogger clearly hates me, the shege refused to publish, anways here's the real weekend update.

About the 4 dates in 48 hours, it was going to be an otherwise boring weekend, so I decided to out with people that I ordinarily wouldn't waste time of the day with. Friday evening, I agreed to meet with omo Americana, Mark, for drinks, I went straight from work, I think at most I reapplied my lipstick. This dude has no serious potential, so why put in effort with going home to change into something more? I used to feel bad for the guy, but I don't feel bad anymore. I made it clear to him that my future plans do not include an American partner, and if he feels like wasting his time on someone like me that his freaking wahala, he was warned. He has no chance in hell of A. changing my mind. B. kpanshing all this! He's such a cultured, well-bred and perfect gentleman but too bad he's not a nna boy, because if he were, honestly it would be on and popping. But alas he's not, besides they're very few African, talk less naija men who come like him.

Well Mark had me home before 9pm, which gave me enough time to freshen up before I went out with Sekou. I went to college with the guy, he was 2.5 yrs ahead of me and mehn we used to all die for the bobo. He was so tall and had the sexy African-bourgeois accent, the british tinged english littered with the occasional french expressions and a teeny weeny dash of pidgin. Well fast forward 6 years or so later, I've acquainted myself with the standard 3 inch heel, so he's not that tall to me anymore and the accent, completely fake, as the "Senegalese prince" was actually born, bred and buttered in NYC. So see the "shinyness" I saw as a naive 18yr old is now dulled. Well sha when I relocated here, I ran into Sekou at the watering hole for all black professionals, we recognized each other from years before and exchanged contact info. Every once in a while, he gets the urge to try to "date" me and it usually conincides with the time I want to do awoof, so it all works out. He picks me up and informs me that a few of his friends are here from out of town, so we'll be hanging out with them.

I don't like surprises like these, but Sekou is pretty dull at the end of the day, so his friends were welcome distractions. We meet at this trendy restaurant downtown and I barely had enough time to order food before the kitchen closed. Sha we met up with 3 of his friends, one of them Patrick, went to school with us, so I caught up with him. Mind you last time I heard about Patrick, it was about how he got married and he was rocking a wedding band. He was there with some chick, who just didn't look like anyone's wife and wasn't wearing a wedding band... umm yeah. So, yeah when my food arrived I faced my food straight; I didn't even want to know the other bobos stories or who their company for the evening were until my stomach was filled. It was obvious they'd been there a while and had been drinking because they were all huggy and touchy like I can get with the right amount of bubbly. Sekou had this glint in his eye, like I was supposed to follow suit, he got me mixed up with someone else. I drank the same amount of alcohol as my date, barely a sip. I make it a point to never outdrink the person I'm with, so we're usually both in the same mental state. When a dude is plying you with alcohol and is maintaining on his one beer, a woman should really wonder WTF!

So the restaurant starts to close up around us, and the guys were still in the mood to be out and about so I (like a complete olodo) suggest that we go to this after hours African spot and everyone was like great. So we all go to the little restaurant/club and the music is blasting, we find seats and the bobos bring more drinks. One girl who was with one of the guys now decides to leave her seat, to "sit" on her date's lap; by sit I do mean grind/lap dance. Off course pretty soon, she was becoming quite the center of attention, because if you've ever been to these types of spots, you know some of our african men have no problem staring hungrily at the backside of any woman while lewdly sipping ther Heineken. So we end up on the dance floor when one of that Magic System song with the Arab dude singing comes on, that type song where everyone is compelled to shake something when they hear it. Ah we're on the floor bubbling, like everyone else, actually having fun, and the song eventually ends and goes on to the next song and she starts dancing with Sekou. See I'm not at all interested in Sekou, so at first I'm not bothered, but haba the chick practically started having sex with him on the dance floor. What happpened to common decency and respect, I don't care how "drunk" you are, they're some things you don't do. So we did our mini dance competition on the floor that night. Sweat drenched my (bought) hair but I showed the chick that night, that just because i'm not one of her fellow congolese sisters who can move their top and bottom halves independent of each other, doesn't mean I can't dance oh.

So naturally when I woke up on Sunday, my body was sore as hell, plus muscles I forget I have, never again am I going toe to toe with one of these dancing mammy waters from congo/cote d'ivoire or cameroon. So I stayed in bed and caught up on phone calls. I did speak briefly with Dr. Pete, who is nice enough, but at the end of the day, not my cup of tea. My birthday is sooclose and so far he's a good gifter, so I'm holding on. Later on I had a date with the Calabar dude, who confirmed what one of my friends told me a long time ago when we were younger. Of course I called her a horny slut when she said it, considering we were in church when she chose to share that juicy tidbit. How did I meet him? Technically I hadn't, he was given my number by a friend of a family friend who thought we'd look good together, blah blah blah. Obviously he's never looked at my momsie's "attributes of a suitable mate for Kpakpando" list, because one of the top ten on her list is Igbo, preferably from Anambra, then Delta(which is odd) then Abia, then Enugu. I don't know if I agree with her list, but I sha know this wasn't mommy sanctioned.

He called me the same day he was given my number and I counted that against him, I thought his over eagerness to talk with me meant he was either ugly or desperate or a bad combination of both. Throughout the week he had tried to meet up with him, but we finally agreed to go to some new exhibit at a museum and lunch on saturday. So when I saw this kinda pretty dude outside, I was glad I had put in some effort into how I looked. We started one one of those guided tours, but ended up breaking away from the group/rather being left behind; because we were completely engrossed in our conversation. We ate some dry ass sandwiches at a cafe a few blocks away from the musuem and continued our conversation as we walked. We decided to go into this pub, where they had started St. Patrick's day celebrations and we bought a pitcher of beer and laughed at the drunken white/Irish people. Fun, fun, fun, so he gave me a ride home, since I took the train to the museum. I didn't want to pay for outrageous parking, plus it was going to be my excuse to duck out early because I don't like to take the train in the dark.

So on the drive home, I mentioned I was a bit cold and he turned on the seat warmers in his car. I now have a new rule, any dude who turns on the heat on your ass is trying to get in your panties, and unless you put a block of ice in your undies, be careful. So the short drive home, I start singing along to the music that's playing and he laughs at my efforts. So when he walks me to my door, I invite him in. Give him the tour of all the public places and finally we sit down and thats when his other 4 hands (that's what it felt like) appeared and started exploring; so my one little hand does some exploring too and confirms what Ebele told me once upon a time right after church. Sha before I completely nakeded myself, but after I let him taste me; I asked him to leave, so he wouldn't have an NC-17 report to give back to the hook-upper. Except I was horny as hell and it was barely 8 o'clock.

Cold showers don't work, that was another thing I learnt this weekend. So when I came back I saw I had a message from Nonso. See since that Prince's party he's been calling me on some random bullshit, trying to open up the lines of communication. Well homeboy was in luck, because all the right things had happened and tonight no amount of time with Mr. Pinky was going to scratch the itch I had. So I called him back finally, and he was surprised to hear from me. After some small talk, I told him I was coming over and we were going to go out and do something. So when I get over there it was a bit akward, but I had a goal in mind so I let go of the akward moment so I could get mines. He started suggesting places to go, but I went to his liquor cabinet and poured myself a drink. He joked that back in the day I would have poured him one too, which is true, but those days are over those benefits have expired get your own damn drink. He finally suggested we go to this spot that has live music and good appetizers, and it sounded good enough to me. We get there and danced.

The one thing that Nonso and I have always had is incredible chemistry, so even though I believe he's an ass, I know I'm guaranteed to be satisfied when it comes to bedmatics. After a couple of hours of dancing, we end up at his house where he scratched my itch until unholy hours on sunday morning, too bad such a great lay couldn't come from someone else. From the dancing the night before and the olympic marathon that night, I was exhausted so he actually woke up before I did and it was the smell of his egg stew and fried plantain that woke me up. I had a quick shower and got dressed. When I finally emerged from his bedroom, he was surprised to see me dressed and ready to leave with ALL of my things. The clothes and shoes that were still left in his closet from earlier this year. My stomach was growling, but I thought it'd be better to just leave the plate he set out for me untouched, and go home. I said thanks for last night and got in my car. I didn't make it to church, I was exhausted and you know God saw what I did all weekend, so I wasn't feeling especially holy.

Weekend Update

2007-03-19T22:11:00.000Z

I'm so exhausted it's not even funny, I dislike mondays! I had an interesting weekend to say the least, 4 dates (well 3, Nonso hardly counts abi) in 48 hours. I learned a few things this weekend though:

1. That rumor about Calabar bobos, TRUE!!!! Yes, that one
2. I am a great dancer, especially when some yeye congolese girl is trying to steal my shine.
3. Warm green beer tastes just as crap as regular warm beer
4. Those bum heaters in cars = foreplay
5. Being happy is truly the best revenge

My Side Piece

2007-03-17T02:48:00.000Z

So my on again, off again side piece, B. Last week he decided he was going to dump yours truly. Whether it was a cry for attention or what, I really didn't know, nor did I bother to find out because I was still basking in the glow of finally exchanging digits with tall, dark, handsome Dr. Pete. But last week as he dumped me and was giving me some speech about not wanting to hurt each other, so lets cut our losses blah blah blah BS; I kept wondering which of his side pieces had gotten enough of his attention to give him liver to come and dump me. A whole me, Kpakpando. I mean we've been doing this our on/off thing for a while now, but its always been me that calls it quits and him pretending he didn't hear. Anyways, no sweat I told him that I absolutely agreed with him and thought it was a good idea too. He cut off communication with me for like 3 whole days too, so any initial thoughts I had of him just joking around were erased, then I spent like half of one day grieving him.

Please don't read this the wrong way, it's not like I'm using the guy or taking him for granted because I'm not. I care for him deeply and perhaps if both of us gave ourselves permission to be completely vulnerable to someone else, something could work. But as of right now, our arrangement is based on our non-commitment. Our lack of commitment allows, at least me, to be completely honest and free with him. I tell him about other guys, I don't censor my words around him, I do my thing around him. It's great, because I'm not trying to be his wife, so I don't need to put up any yeye semi-front to show I'm good wife material. So if I happen to burn my rice a little because I got carried away watching E, I don't throw out the pot of rice and do over to pretend I'm Suzy Homemaker, he eats my cajun inspired version of rice and stew.

So after 3 days incommunicado, he hits me up on email with some generic youtube clip. And I was glad to know that he missed me too, but I ignored it. He did check up on me through Abdul, the well-connected slimeball, who hates being in the middle of what he calls "our madness." There is a method to what we do as far as we're both concerned. So two nights ago, he just happens to be at my gym, which is just not a coincidence because he lives at least 20miles away from it and would have battled rush hour traffic to come there, plus he wasn't in workout gear. I was happy to see him, in the week as the dumpee, his curly hair had grown just a little bit more and the fact that he was there meant there was no side piece(s). So he asked me to come grab some dinner with him, and after a quick stop at my house he takes me to our favorite malaysian place. I did get my ice cream, he said i deserved to eat whatever I wanted, and even know I know he was probably just trying to gas my head up, I indulged, it was COCONUT ice cream after all.

After dinner he comes back home with me and we're just sitting, he's telling me some generic stuff about his day and we lapse into our usual couch position, with his head on me, my body stretched out under him. Then he tells me some story about how his friend in DC had reconnected him with some girl that he grew up with back home, who happened to be visiting from Dallas this past weekend. So I jokingly (i.e. fishing for info) said, oh so she was the reason you decided to fashi me. He paused and decided not to bite. He continued on with the rest of his gist and then said that I play too many mind games and he's immune to me. I'm not big on arguing, so instead of taking his bait, I told him the truth. I missed talking to him these past few days and I wanted to know why he dumped me. He said he had so many thing to tell me this week too, but he needed his space to figure things out. On the one hand I understood exactly what he meant, but on the other hand, couldn't he just not contact me while he took his space? But while he's telling me that he missed me too, he start doing giving me a hundred and one kisses on my hands.
Have I ever mentioned how soft his lips are and when he kisses me I feel little electric currents zip through my body? So we had like the best sex ever, not the best sex I've ever had, but the best with him. I was surprised. Its not like he's bad in bed, its just that the routine had seriously changed and I know I have to go to church extra early on Sunday to beg forgiveness for the things that happened after 2am. (Can a non-catholic go to confession?) When we finally woke up yesterday, somehow he got it into his head that his position was upgraded. Just because I let you keep me up half the night, doesn't mean you all of a sudden have "rights."

Must there be a space between my thighs?

2007-03-14T18:13:00.000Z

I'm getting lazier as the weather gets warmer, all I want to do when I go home is eat some Ice Cream (damn you Ben, jerry, Haagen and Dazs!), open all the windows to catch the last bit off the sun, blast some music and sleep lazily on the couch before finally getting into my bed. Nothing more, nothing less, just chillaxing and unwinding. See how that is a recipe for thighs that touch? Instead of me to focus on finishing the novel I started at the beginning of february or world peace; I'm here trying to decide whether I want to go to an ice cream shop and get a cone of ice cream or going to the super market and getting a whole gallon of frozen fun oh yes and some hot wings; but my stupid reminder has told me I have a hot date with an elliptical trainer and some free weights before I even enter my house. The laziness has spread, I know I have more stuff to put on this entry, but it ends here for now. It's only like 50 degrees too, imagine if it were 80, chei.

Weekend Update

2007-03-12T22:08:00.000Z

Chineke, Jehova onye we anyi, me'm ebele biko! I'm about to talk about one of your children real bad. Ogonma is a RAZZ SOMBORRI, there's no other way to slice it, the girl was raised by gutter rats obviously. Who gets kicked out from a BABY shower?So, This weekend was Chichi's baby shower, she's due in mid-april and before momsie comes to make it something bigger than what it should be, we decided to have the shower now. Also gave us a chance to hang with her before she becomes mama somebody officially and the last shopping excursions before she starts waddling on swollen feet.

So Ada and I caught the same flight and landed at Chichi's house where we gorged ourself on meatpies and chinchin, its amazing how this chick always has those snack in her house STEADY, I mean who has time to be rolling out dough to fry or fill with meat except for Chichi nwa? anyways, not a complaint,just an observation, because you know damn well I have my own goodie box in MY fridge now :) Anyways we're at the house gisting, going through the online registry to see what was bought and guestimating who bought what and generally making noise and that's when Chichi drops the bomb that bros Ogonma was coming to the baby shower, at bros' request. I swear if the potato or whatever vegetable from the meatpies wasn't soft, I would've choked to death on Friday. The same baby shower that Ronke is invited to, and practically helped to plan. That man is sick, how can I share blood with him?

Ydafock is Ogonma still in the picture and still being forced down our throats ehn? Why does bros even feel like he can dash invites to any dirty girl he's dating? The shower isn't even a co-ed shower so it's not like she'd just be his guest, he was forcing her on us as if to change our minds. Wrong move boy, the chick is just an uncouth apuruka somebody chei, as if I couldn't tell her loud ass tacky colors before. She showed us more of what she's made of. Again what does my brother see in this unpolished girl? Na jazz?

She showed up (2 hours late sans gift) as though she was stopping by on her way to the club. Ok fine, it was unseasonably warm this past weekend, but haba, how many cutouts can one dress have? The mini dress was black and obviouly came from one of those Rave/Rainbow "buy 1 dress get 5 free" type stores, I mean the polyester was shining from the door. I know she's young, but ogini, did she really have to wear white thigh high boots with them? Then the matching talons, help me Lord! I know black nail polish is kinda sorta in, me too I dey read In Style, but painting acrylic CLAWS black is not what's up. And I swear she had black lip liner on her lips... it didn't stay on long though the greedy thing descended on the table of food with her friend, like they ust came from some refugee camp somewhere. The friend sef was no better. I'm all for fitted jeans, but even I was getting a yeast infection from looking at her extra tight pants.

So after the ravenous beasts filled their plates with food and gave half assed greeting to other people while wolfing down food; they had the nerve to open their mouths and instead of being polite and saying thanks they started commenting on how there was too much salt in the rice and how they would've have improved each dish. Chichi was not happy at all, as all attention had shifted from her to the spectacle that was Ogonma and friend. If I could post pictures of the faces at the shower, with the varying facial expressions. The reaction ranged from slightly bewildered to grossly irritated. Me, I was still trying to be positive, so i didnt take a picture of my face then and determined to keep an open mind and not let past experiences change my interaction with her. But the behavior didn't improve much, the girl was just somehow.

Personally I think baby shower games are cruel and unusual punishment, but thats what was planned so I went with it; but the game where you take a roll of tissue and estimate how wide the belly was, so everyone else had taken a conservative piece, as per Chichi is preggers + hormonal = mean as hell these days. No Ogonma couldn't take cue from everyone else, she just kept rolling and rolling the tissue, even her friend, Angel, made a comment. So off course when we each took out piece to hold againt the belly, Ogonma's piece was like 3 times the size. Do you kow what she now did, instead of laughing like everyone else did, she said something to the effect that Chichi had gained way too much weight and was unneccesarily big. Na so katakata burst Chichi style. She's very mild mannered generally and cries so easily generally, so she just burst out in tears, and that olofo of an Ogonma was looking like "whatdidIdo" dumbass stare. Ada was like Ogonma, I think it's best you and your friend leave, thank you for coming oh. She started generally guiding the girl towards the door. Do you know the girl STOPPED at the table of food that she had just finished abusing earlier in the hour, and proceeded to pack a plate? Ada was done, she asked me to walk her out. I was floored at what my eyes were seeing. Chichi being consoled by 20 or so of her friends and relatives, after being called a fat pig basically by this random chick. WOW.

She was taking too much time getting her plate together, so I just grabbed it from her and said we had more guests coming later (big lie) and can't she see she made my sister upset, so why does she try to go and apologize, I grabbed her hand before she made it back and said I'd apologize on her behalf, it's then I knew her friend was a human being, because Angel nowwas telling her she was rude. I sha walked her all the way to the door and shut it in her face and turned around. I was truly amazed. So I got back to the room, and Chichi had calmed down enough to start abusing the girl. That's my main complaint about my sister, she never gives people what they deserve had it been me, I might have been doling out hot slaps. So we created a new baby shower game, "abuse the interloper who was forced upon us upon her departure." Fine, the title needs work, but for the next few minutes we start complaining about the girl, after dissecting her outfit, we went on how she chewed and made that smacking noise, how she sat with her legs open, we even joined Ronke when she said Bros must suffer for picking up some useless small girl after a whole her. The girl didn't have decency to clear her plate after eating, but she had time to make takeaway plate, wonderfull! So don't think we didn't all notice she didn't bring a gift with her!

So after the shower when we had all made it home, I went to collect my allowance from bros :D. It is AWESOME to have an older generous brother I tell you, he finances accessories you cannot otherwise honestly afford, from time to time. So after he forces me to fry him some plantain for dinner, in exchange for my pocket money he asks me about the shower. I said, didn't Ogonma tell you? She made Chichi cry! So I held myself from rattling of the lists of atrocities that I had witnessed, before he thought we were ganging up on the girl or before he withheld my pocket money. I just worked the Chichi crying angle and said she was so upset that we made her lie down etc. He was shocked, he hadn't heard back that report yet... like she'd report herself. i said, maybe she just didn't know how sensitive Chichi can be but she basically said she was an overeating pig thats why she's so fat... yes I added jara to the gist. So I was like well, I hope she bought a good gift for Chichi because she even forgot to leave the gift there, and I think you should call Chichi and smooth things over. I collected my pocket money and bounced to a former classmates get together.

Well fastforward through some dry party like this, by the time I came to in the morning, momsie had already rang me like 4 times, thank you God for silent mode. Ada could take it no longer and reported her experience to momsie, I guess she was calling me to get more info because I used to be known as radio without wire in my youth. So as it stands right now, momsie is ivestigating the girl's family background. I'm back to being a more positive person, since this weekend was clearly a test for me.